


Missing Pieces

by Animalium



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Amputation, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Sick Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-13
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2019-06-09 16:43:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 25
Words: 74,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15271836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Animalium/pseuds/Animalium
Summary: Severus made a grave mistake by joining Lord Voldemort and he paid for it with his body. Lily lost the man she loved to the war, James Potter. With both of them missing pieces of their lives they find themselves relying on each other. Chronic illnesses, sick!SeverusMajor rewrites beginning soon. The plot won't change, simply improving it.





	1. You're Gonna Be Okay

**Author note: I don't own any part of the wizarding world.**

**As a spoonie myself, I couldn't find a story that fit my wants, so I created my own. I want to make this as accurate a representation of chronic pain/illness as possible. That means I'll be covering topics such as weight gain and depression and some of the symptoms constant pain can cause. This is all based on _my_ own experiences and isn't intended to offend anyone or likely fit everyone. I will NOT be writing about addiction. I hate that stigma that all of us spoonies are addicts. Pain isn't always 24/7. There are good days and bad days. We call the bad days "flares". I found this important to mention so that any pain free days didn't seem uncharacteristic or untrue to the story. Enjoy! **

**Xxxx**

**And when the night is closing in**

**Don't give up and don't give in**

**This won't last, it's not the end**

**You're Gonna Be Okay - Brian & Jenn Johnson**

Xxxx

 ** _November 15th_** ,  ** _1979_**

Severus paused, squeezing his eyes shut in pain. His hand clenched the stone wall of the castle beside him. He focused on breathing in and out, waiting for it to subside. The pain had plagued him for a long time now. Everyone assumed he'd get used to it but there was no getting used to the debilitating intensity of it all and losing who and what he used to be.

It made him feel more alone than anything else in this world, and that was saying something. Gritting his teeth, he forced himself to move forward, placing one foot in front of the other. With each painful step, he felt the usual throbbing sensation shoot up both legs.

His only desire was to collapse here and now, never to move again. That'd been his only desire since this started. He'd lost sight of every other aspect of his life and now lived based on what his body allowed him to do.

He considered himself to be strong. He'd always persevered through everything in his life, abuse as a child, bullying as a student, even the torture of Lord Voldemort. But days like today he felt irrefutably weak and worthless.

What support could he bring to the war effort when he was too busy fighting against his own body? He stopped in his steps again, placing a hand on his hip. He pushed in, willing the pressure would help ease his pain.

He'd been an idiot taking this job. Of course, he hadn't had any option. The Dark Lord wouldn't listen to such "foolish" objections. Severus was lucky enough he hadn't been killed.

Reaching the door to the office, he turned the brass handle and gave way to the chair behind the desk. The pain in his legs lessened slightly, no longer having to support his weight, but it didn't go away completely, it never did. There was always that sharp stab in his body and soul reminding him that he'd never be free.

 He was overcome suddenly by utter exhaustion from his day and was thankful classes were over. A pile of papers loomed before him and he begrudgingly pulled them nearer.

Determined to focus on something other his own existence, he scanned the top paper. Thomas Elphick's scroll on Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration.  Elphick, like many students before and surely after him, regurgitated the text book, incapable of having a thought of his own. _Rubbish, all of it._ He crossed out mistake after mistake until there were more scratch marks than words.

Reaching the bottom of the parchment he scrawled a note in his spidery writing.  _The text book exists for a reason. Use your eyes to read, not just to play Quidditch._ Releasing the paper, it rolled up on itself and he tossed it to the side, moving onto the next. He raked his face with both hands, pressing his fingers down on his pallid skin in frustration.

He continued working his way through the pile, leaving scathing after scathing remark out of irritation. He hated working with children and teenagers were even worse. The first years arrived with a willingness to learn but they soon reached an age where they were discovering themselves and others. The desire to be a successful witch or wizard slowly faded from each of them as the need to touch and be touched took over in its place. The majority of the students didn't take pride in the work they submitted, and it was painfully noticeable.

A squeak filled the room as the office door was pushed open. "Severus, m'boy. I wasn't expecting you to be here." Severus looked up at the overly large man who was beaming at him under a bushy, meticulously groomed, mustache. "I hope you aren't being too harsh on our young protégés." Horace continued with a gesture at the scrolls before Severus.

"Only what is necessary." Severus replied curtly, eyes not daring to leave the parchment. He dragged the quill across a set of words again, crossing out a truly unnecessary paragraph.

Horace shook his head as he stepped farther inside the room, filling most of it with his girth. "We don't want to alienate all of our pupils."

 _No, you just don't want me sabotaging potential connections._ He gave “the shelf” a glance."Not at all, Sir." Severus pushed back the chair and stood slowly, easing his body back into a standing position despite the protests it made against the movement.

Hanging his coat on a nearby hook, Professor Slughorn made his way to the desk. His massive frame plopped down into the chair Severus had previously vacated and it groaned under his weight. Severus noticed the intense strain the man's belly put on his buttons and wondered how they were still holding together. He had no doubt they were magically enforced. A man that overweight couldn't possibly expect his clothes to remain in one piece when they were several sizes too small.

"If you're done with me I'll be heading out for the night." Severus informed him with a glance of hatred towards the homework he had been grading. It was an opportunity to pass the work he so despised onto the man who didn’t do enough to begin with.

"Yes, yes, of course, m'boy." Horace waved him off and glanced down at the paper he had unrolled. Severus glanced at the name and recognized it as one he had already graded. There was no doubt in his mind that the potions Professor would be removing some of Severus' marks in an attempt to save face with the rich, influential students. Severus also knew he wouldn't even give the "nobodies" a second glance. He shook his head angrily, having once been one of those himself. He grabbed his things and walked from the room.

He took the same, slow steps down the dimly lit, dungeon corridors as he made his way to the stairs and eventually the main door of the castle. It took him far too long to make his escape as fatigue settled further into his bones. He must talk to Slughorn about setting up the floo.

As he stepped outdoors, he was grateful for the crisp autumn breeze on his skin and he took in the scent of decaying plant matter. It was a drastic change from the mildew lined, stone walls he spent the majority of his time closed within. Shuffling across the castle grounds, he reached the gate where he let himself through and disapparated.

Severus' feet landed on the cobbled street of an alleyway in his home town. He crumped slightly beneath the contact, straightening with a wince. It was still a purely muggle community and he wasn't about to exchange convenience for a jail sentence by apparating to his actual desired location. No, instead he thanked Merlin that this alley existed, and he didn't have to walk clear from his home.

Stuffing his hands into his pockets, he headed for the market that was only a few doors down. His body and mind wished he would return home and rest, but his empty stomach grumbled, reminding him he needed to buy food should he want to survive. He'd been avoiding a trip to the store all week, but it couldn't be put off any longer. He had to eat more than stale bread and butter.

The bell on the door tinkled, signaling his entrance. One of the cashiers turned to welcome him and he gave a slight, albeit annoyed, wave back. Spending your life in a small town meant everyone knew everyone else. It was a difficult consequence when one craved anonymity.

He trudged through the aisles, hastily grabbing items from the shelves. His attention was elsewhere when he turned a corner and crashed straight into another person. Dropping his bag of apples, he bent down to pick them up.

"Excuse me." He mumbled, straightening with a grimace. The fruit balance precariously in his folded arms. Looking up he was face to face with an all too familiar Lily Evans. She seemed to recoil at the sight of him before smiling ever so slightly as she passed him an apple he had missed, and he felt that familiar beat of wings inside his stomach. All though their friendship had faded, his feelings for her never had.

"I wasn't expecting to see you here." She said, just as surprised as he and with a surprising amount of sincerity. The bitterness he expected from her was gone.

"Likewise." He gave a curt nod of the head as a sign of farewell. She lifted a hand and waggled her fingers at him before they both went their separate ways. As he passed her, he couldn’t help shooting her one last cursory glance of confusion over his shoulder.

When he was finished, he made his way to the checkout stand to purchase his items. He listened to the click of the cash register's keys as the woman operating it tried to make small talk. She complained about the cooling air and the storms they'd been having lately. How the unexpected increase in moisture had ruined her garden.

Severus paid just enough attention to interject "uh huh" and "I agree" when necessary, but from the corner of his eye, he scanned the store, looking for the blazing red hair. He was confused at why she was even here. Her parents had died in a car accident several years back and only her sister was alive, but Petunia had been married years ago. There was nothing in Cokeworth for Lily anymore and yet, here she was shopping for groceries

Slapping his muggle money on the counter with more force than he intended, he grabbed his bags from the woman. "Good evening." He grumbled before turning from the store and  _finally_ heading home. The sun had set completely now as he limped in the complete darkness. Normally, he would have returned to the alleyway and disapparated, but he had a suspicion and forced his legs to operate as they should instead.

Sure enough, as he reached the end of the last nice houses in town, he spotted Lily's beloved red 1974 Ford Cortina. It was parked outside of her childhood home, a modest red brick building. The color of it had been muted long ago from the great smog of London. Many buildings in this part of the country were stained by the same gray dust. Even the wealthy found it inescapable. He saw a light flick on inside the home and it was then that he realized he was staring. Shaking his head, he continued the distance to his own house.

His home on Spinner's End had been built with brownish, gray bricks and had a black shingled roof. The house was roughly 50 years old and it looked it. No matter how many repairs Severus made he couldn't get rid of the impoverished feeling the building gave off. He'd stopped caring long ago when he realized there was no more he could do to fix it. As long as it didn’t collapse on top of him, he could survive here.

Severus slid the key into the lock of the large black door and turned, letting the door swing open. He avoided using his wand in the town that lay outside of his home. He – and apparently, now Lily – were the exceptions, the only magical beings.

 He carried his parcels inside, closing the door behind him and set them down on the counter. It was then that his wand was removed. Items floated to their designated spots with an easy flick of the wand. As a result, he was able to remain in one spot. When he was done, he slipped from his traveling cloak and collapsed into a nearby arm chair. His aching bones cried out and he was thankful for the rest, rest he should have taken long ago.

He heaved a sigh of relief and let his eye lids droop momentarily as he relaxed. The lids of his dark, coal colored eyes were heavy, and he fought to open them again. He never should have sat here, there was a strong potential he would never stand up again. He groaned at the thought, knowing he needed to care for himself before he could give in to the wills of his body.

Picking up a book from the end table, he reluctantly stood again and took the short staircase to the second floor. Entering the bathroom, he pulled out his wand and it used it to fill the tub with warm water. Steam billowed off it as Severus gingerly stripped off his clothes and everything else, leaving it all in a crumpled heap on the floor.

Book in hand, he eased his naked body into the bathtub. He was thankful then that he had magically expanded the tub. By appearances only, it looked much too small to hold a child, let alone a full-grown man. Being over six feet tall, it had been completely unusable before the charm. Now he could stretch out and relax to his heart's content, which he did on a regular basis.

The hot water washed away his work day and soothed the spasms that racked him. It was a temporary relief he very rarely felt. With his book in hand, he devoured the pages one by one. His reading began to slow as his vision blurred until he was suddenly awoken by the sound of a splash. His eyes flicked open instantaneously and he saw the book floating in the now cold water. It was also nights like this that he had waterproofed his books for. He had ruined several of them the same way before deciding enough was enough.

Shivering, he stepped from the bathtub with a large amount of effort, and onto the cold tile. He wrapped a dark blue towel around his waist and walked across the worn carpet. It was soft underneath him, much softer than any shoes. Standing at the edge of the bed he let his towel slip from the waist and fell into the soft, feather mattress.

It was a night like any other, full of fitful movements and frustrated sighs. Sleep never came easy for him, not when he felt like this. The pain was always there, sometimes a raging fire and others a flickering flame, but the spark never blew out completely. He was thankful tomorrow was his day off. Being Slughorn's apprentice came with several benefits, namely short work days and free weekends. He didn't know how Slughorn did it day after day after day.

The apprenticeship also fulfilled Lord Voldemort's request. The Dark Lord needed someone to infiltrate Hogwarts and had chosen Severus for the job, how lucky of him. He was one of the few Death Eaters with brains rather than brawn.

He'd only been out of Hogwarts a few months when Voldemort forced him to go back. The Dark Lord had always been impressed - if not a tad jealous - at Severus' proficiency in dark magic and potions. He was the only choice for the job. Unbeknownst to him, Severus had already joined the light. He had made the decision shortly after joining the Death Eaters.

It was the raid that killed James that had done it. Severus couldn't sit by and watch innocent people be murdered, no matter how they had treated him in life. He realized very quickly what a mistake he had made and how hard he had fallen for the Dark Lord's sales pitch for it was nothing else.

Severus had fallen into the wrong crowd many years ago. It had never been his intention, of course, but James and Sirius helped push him there. The light had bullied Severus while the dark accepted him for who he was and didn't try to change him. As a young boy it had been an easy decision. Now as a grown man it was different. Staring down at his tainted left forearm, Severus felt that familiar pang of guilt.

The simple tattoo was a reminder of everything he had done wrong in his life, of losing Lily, of joining a murderer, of turning into someone who could barely move. And every single part of it was his fault. Ultimately, he was the one who had made the poor decisions.

Xxxx

**_October 23rd, 1978_ **

_“Severus" The high-pitched voice drawled, sounding like nails on a chalkboard. "Do you think me a fool?" He glared down at Severus who knelt on the stone floor before him. His head was bowed in fear, knowing he had made a fatal mistake._

_"No! My Lord! Never!" He fought to keep the begging, the terror from his voice._

_The Dark Lord ambled around the room, twirling his yew wood wand in his fingers. "Then come to find my surprise when I learned you were unwilling to fight, that you let an Order member get away."_

_"My Lord, I didn't mean to-" He paused, knowing the excuse would only endanger him more._

_Voldemort whipped around, blood colored eyes glinting even in such darkness. "Don't. Lie. To. Me!" He hissed. "You were recruited to kill. Do you understand me?"_

_"Yes, my Lord." He bowed his head in defeat._

_"This can't go unpunished. An example must be made." Voldemort stared at him purposefully, an idea already having formed._

_"Punish me, my Lord, I deserve nothing less." Severus conceded. Willingness, agreement, it would appease the Dark Lord, if only slightly._

_Lord Voldemort stepped closer, hovering dangerously above him. Severus kept his face toward the ground, afraid of what he would see should he meet his master’s eyes. "Ah, so you do have a brain." His scrawny, cold fingers grasped a chunk of Severus' hair, yanking his head upwards. Severus sucked in a breath, not daring to move. If he could have stopped his heart from beating he would. Voldemort scanned his eyes, watching the events of that night replay. Severus let the memories float around his mind, not even trying to lock them up and deceive him._

From inside the skull-like mask, Severus could see a terrified Remus Lupin staring back at him. Severus gripped Remus' robes tightly, not allowing the man to run or even move. Sweat beaded on Remus' forehead, thinking he was done for. Severus clenched his wand in his free hand, a spell on the tip of his tongue. He let go of Remus' shirt suddenly, making the man fall to the ground. "Go!" Severus called out to him. Remus scrambled to stand before scampering off to join the crowd of their fellow fighters.

_"Fool!" Voldemort cried, spittle spewing from his mouth and onto Severus. He simultaneously let go of Severus' hair and shoved him back "Gibbon!" He called across the room. A dark-haired man stepped out of the nearby blackness with a devilish grin as he cracked his knuckles. "He's all yours. Don't kill this one."_

_"Yes, my Lord." Gibbon grinned. The enthusiasm in his voice sent chills up Severus' spine. Before Severus could even move, ropes shot from Gibbon's wand, binding his arms to his sides. He let Gibbon drag him from the room, fighting would only make the torture worse._

_Severus was pulled to another area of the headquarters, a place he’d been only once before, and shoved inside. Unable to catch himself, Severus fell painfully to the concrete floor. Rolling him on to his back, Gibbon shoved a rag into Severus' mouth. It tasted of dirt and the iron of blood and Severus knew he wasn't Gibbon's first victim. The death eater grinned in satisfaction at what he was about to do, at being given the opportunity to induce the pain of his choosing._

_He pulled his wand from the inside of his robes. With a slash through the air, he sent a purple flame to Severus. The fire surrounded him, tendrils licking at his skin and leaving burns in their wake. Severus screamed against the gag in his mouth but only a quiet whimper escaped through the cloth. He writhed beneath the heat, unable to lay still, but incapable of escaping. The ropes that still bound him were impervious to the flame._

_His flesh was tender to the touch, red and raw from the heat. The spell died away, only to be replaced with one that slashed across his body. It tore through his already wounded skin, allowing blood to trickle from gash as the spell was cast again. Severus prayed for unconsciousness, unable to do anything else. Salty tears stung the burns that covered his face_

_The spells afterwards were varied, some completely unrecognizable. He wasn’t sure if that was from his growing delirium or if the curses had been created for such an occasion. The torture lasted for hours and Severus remained a shell of himself. In shock, the pain of it was dulled along with his comprehension of what was happening around him. When his body could take no more he felt his world go black._

_When he woke again, he found himself in agony. His binds and gag were gone as well as any sign of the death eater who had inflicted it all. Instead, the murderous eyes of Lord Voldemort stared down at where he lay, still sprawled across the concrete ground and surrounded by his own blood. "Have you learned your lesson?"_

_"Yes, my Lord." Severus wheezed through what he suspected were broken ribs._

_"Good." A malicious smile spread across his thin lips. "You're free to go." The Dark Lord strode purposefully from the room leaving Severus utterly alone. He practiced moving, checking for every body part. Everything in his body told him to stop, the pain was too unbearable, but it was a sign he was alive._

_Apparition wasn't an option inside headquarters. Using the walls to hold himself up, Severus stumbled from the building. His vision was blurry, and his head swam from the pain and the blood loss. Barely managing to reach the apparition line he stumbled on the spot and disappeared into the night._

_He landed in front of the gates to Hogwarts and clung on to them in desperation as he slowly slid to the ground, unable to stand any longer. As his consciousness faded again, he felt a shake of the shoulder and the distant sound of someone calling his name. He murmured incoherently, and everything went black._

Xxxx

_Wards around Hogwarts registered any potential Intruders, sounding an alarm inside the Headmaster's office. With a disillusionment charm, Dumbledore walked to the gate to see who had arrived. He had not expected the slumped over form of one of his previous students._

_Seeing the boy was gravely injured, Dumbledore undid the charm he'd used to hide himself and quickly came to the boy's aid. "Severus" He cried urgently, jostling him. Sound bubbled from Severus' lips as he closed his eyes. Conjuring a stretcher, Dumbledore hoisted Severus on top of it. With another disillusionment to hide the Death Eater, Dumbledore stormed back into the castle and straight to the hospital wing._

_They were lucky the wing was currently empty. "Poppy!" He called into the room insistently. A thin, fair haired woman rushed from her office at the sound of her name to see the limp and familiar form in front of her._

_The Headmaster had removed the charm once they were in the confines of the wing and moved the young man to an actual bed. Madam Pomfrey stood over his wrecked body. "Oh, dear." She muttered under her breath. Removing her wand, she waved it over Severus, scanning his injuries. The list of things wrong with him began to grow and she turned to Dumbledore. "What happened to him?"_

_He shook his head in despair. "I found him at the gates." Stepping to Severus' left side, Dumbledore lifted his sleeve, revealing the mark below. "I have some ideas."_

_Madam Pomfrey looked at the mark with a disappointed tsk. "I can't say I'm surprised."_

_"Neither can I."_

_"If he makes it through the night you can talk to him in the morning. We best get him to St. Mungo's." She made to move him, to turn to the fireplace._

_"I'm not sure that's wise. One look at his mark and they'll dismiss him."_

_"It's his only chance, Albus.” She pleaded. “His injuries are too severe for my experience."_

_Albus stared at Severus' body before finally resigning. She was right, they had no other option if they wanted the young man to survive. "Very well.” He sighed. “I'll send for someone."_

Xxxx

_He felt the crisp, rough sheets against his tender body and a groan escaped his lips. A numbness penetrated everything from the neck down. He blinked his eyes open in confusion and saw the stark, white hospital walls around him._

_His eyes were heavy from the potions he'd been receiving, and he felt as though his mind wasn't there at all. His thoughts were fuzzy, but the details of that night three days ago were perfectly clear. He'd gone to Hogwarts with the intention of avoiding St. Mungo's, but clearly it hadn't worked. He wasn't surprised, after everything he had gone through, but disappointment filled him still._

_"Oh good, you're awake!" Severus turned to look at the overly cheerful healer that had entered his room. A plump woman with straw yellow hair stared back at him with a broad smile. She hurried over to his side and began fussing over him._

_"What day is it?" Severus rasped with a dry voice._

_"The 26th, you've been out for three days." Severus licked his dry lips and the healer handed him a smoking potion vial. "Here, drink this. You’ll feel better.”_

_Severus did as he was told and downed the green liquid. Warmth began spreading through him as the potion took effect and moisture returned to his mouth. "What happened?"_

_"Well, we aren't sure exactly, we were hoping you could tell us." Her brow lifted in curiosity._

_Severus shook his head. "No, I mean, how am I?"_

_The smile dropped from her face then. "Well, you're alive. We weren't sure if you'd pull through. Whoever attacked you used a number of unknown spells, making them particularly hard to heal." She cleared her throat. "You'll find a number of scars across your body. Some we hope will fade with time but there are no guarantees." Severus nodded, trying to process it all. The woman before him sighed deeply. "We tried our best to heal you, we did all we could…unfortunately we had to take part of your leg."_

_Severus eyes widened up at her and he began scrambling clumsily at the blankets with his numb hands. "What do you mean?!"_

_She placed her hand on his to calm him and pulled back the blankets with her other. His pasty white thigh and knee stared back at him, but it ended there. Three inches past his knee his leg came to a rounded end, no calf or foot in sight. Severus only stared before shaking his head vigorously in disbelief. "No, no. It's not possible."_

_She smiled at him sadly. "I'm sorry, Sir." She rubbed his hand reassuringly and he felt hot tears stinging his eyes once again. "We have exceptional prosthetics available for you to use. They're the closest to the real thing you'll ever get. I'll have someone stop by to speak with you now that you're awake."_

_Severus nodded, his throat swollen shut as he forced himself not to cry. He'd always viewed tears as weak, a truly undesirable trait. He wouldn't let weakness overcome him, not when he’d already lost so much._

_"Headmaster Dumbledore wished to see you when you woke. Would you like me to contact him?"_

_Severus nodded again, and she smiled reassuringly before turning from the room. Severus was left alone with his thoughts. His leg was_  gone _._ _They had prosthetics, sure, but it wasn't the same. He found himself wishing he could curl his toes and scoffed at the silly thought. He was shell shocked from it all. "_ Don't let this one die. _"_ _Voldemort had said. Death would have been preferable to_ this.

 

 


	2. Emerald Eyes

**I've spent a thousand nights**  
**Lost in your emerald eyes**  
 **Lost in a place where I know you can see my soul**

**Emerald Eyes – Anson Seabra**

Xxxx

For normal people, sleep was usually refreshing. For Severus is never was. It was a fight every night to fall asleep and even more of a struggle each morning to wake again. His back ached from laying down for several hours and his head pounded from his overall lack of sleep and the bright light that streamed in from the windows that were covered only by a thin curtain.

Severus groaned, pushing himself up slowly into a sitting position. He flipped the heavy, red blanket off him and his feet touched the floor, one real and one not. He stared down at himself, what remained. His prosthesis looked and felt almost real. It was much better than the muggle contraptions. The only sign of imperfection was the seam where it met his leg, his  _stump._ He shuddered at the thought. His eyes were always drawn to that spot. Reaching down, he fingered the space and wished for perhaps the millionth time that the leg before him was real. The dream was hopeless and only depressed him more. Lifting his hand from his leg he stood and limped across the room. He was always stiff first thing in the morning.

He walked through the house that was much too big for just him and even more quiet. Before his injury, he hated being around other people and relished silence. They were irksome, and the majority were plain stupid. Now, although his feelings towards people in general hadn't changed, he longed to hear more than the voice of Horace Slughorn.

Horace was one of the worst when it came to Severus' pain. He didn't understand why potions didn't help and why Severus didn't always want to take them. He insisted Severus just needed to push through the pain more and that it "couldn't be that bad". The truth was, Severus pushed through it every day. The times he was confined to bed were due to extreme levels of pain and discomfort. Not everything could be pushed through. There were days when Slughorn's comments made Severus want to beat him over the head with his new leg.

Horace was also overly positive. The days where his face wasn't adorned in a smile were rare. There was very little that could bring the man down. Teaching was the perfect job for him. He was surrounded by people who looked up to his brilliance and inspired to be like him one day.

Even as a student, Severus hadn't had such wishes. He wanted to make a difference. He wanted to improve potions and create new ones. He didn't want to be just mediocre like Horace. No, Severus wanted to be the best.

For a while he'd done just as he intended. His old potions book was filled with altered potions and ones of his own creation. There were even several spells he'd invented scrawled in the corners. He hadn't touched the book in almost a year now.

He had spent many months recovering after the loss of his leg. There was only so much magic could do. Now, although he was doing better physically he hadn't processed it emotionally. He had simply been too depressed and unmotivated to focus on creating anything new.

Severus stood in front the mirror with a disappointed frown etched across his face. Exercise had been rare in the last eleven months. He simply didn't have the energy or stamina to do it. Unfortunately, _that had_ made a difference. He examined the several extra pounds adorning his waistline as he dressed. It was nothing serious, he was far behind Professor Slughorn and at this rate he'd likely never even reach that size, but it was disappointing all the same. He'd never been in shape, he'd always been boney and underweight. Clothes had hung off him no matter the size. However, that was beginning to change, and he wasn't a fan. Pulling on an old t-shirt and jeans he tore his eyes away.

With Severus’ body beginning to wake and the stiffness starting to subside, his limp because less noticeable.

He reached the back door of his home and stuffed his feet into a worn, muddy pair of trainers. With Severus’ body beginning to wake and the stiffness starting to subside, his limp because less noticeable. Stepping outside, he grabbed his gardening tools and set to work on the small herb garden he kept.

The feel of his bare hands tending to the plants relaxed him, the way the earth caressed his fingers. He breathed in the scent of wet dirt as he pruned what would be future potions supplies. He weeded and raked away the morning and the October sun beat down on him.

He began to sweat beneath its rays as his muscle worked and cried for him to stop. He was thankful it wasn't summer and that he'd pulled his shoulder length hair into a ponytail to keep it out of his face. Stray black strands had come loose and clung to his wet skin. He brushed them away, feeling particles of dirt replace the hair.

He closed his eyes, straightening with the huff of pain. He leaned back into a stretch and opened his eyes. It was then he saw her. Standing on the outside of his garden, leaning into the short brown fence was Lily.

"Spying, are we?" His arms were lifted above his head, his fingers flexing away the curled position they had obtained from the shovel

She shrugged, her chin leaning into the palm of her hand and her elbow rested on the top of the fence. "I was wondering if you moved back."

“No.” He rolled his eyes away from her. “I thought it would be nice to tend a stranger’s garden, give them a surprise to come home to.” His hands came back to his sides with a slap.

"Ha, ha.” She glared, cocking her head slightly. “Very funny." She swiftly hoisted herself over the wood panels, inviting herself in. "How long have you been back?"

"A year now.” He had the date down to the minute he had come back to Cokeworth.

 She nodded, stuffing her hands in the back pockets of her trousers. "I moved back just a few days ago.”

“I noticed. You _do_ live on the main path.”

“Right.” She smiled ruefully, eyes dropping to the plants at his feet as an awkward silence came between them. “How’s your dad?”

"Don't know, don't care." Severus bent down and picked up his pair of shears, going to work again. He hoped the action would send the signal that he didn’t want her here. At the very least, he hoped it would change the conversation.

"You don't visit him?"

Severus scoffed, his lip curling beside himself as he snipped away a leaf. "Of course not, not after what he did."

"What made you move back then?" Severus stayed silent, avoiding the question. When he didn't answer, Lily moved on to an equally uncomfortable conversation. "I heard you were working up at Hogwarts? I'm surprised you aren't there now."

Severus shook his head. "I work under Slughorn, nothing serious. I'm here during evenings and weekends."

She nodded but never opened her mouth to speak. When several minutes of quiet passed Severus looked up, wondering if she had left. He noticed the way she was staring at him and he shifted uncomfortably under her gaze. "You did it then?" She asked in an accusatory tone.

Severus glanced at his arm. The sleeve of his shirt had lifted slightly, exposing the red mark that had been hidden beneath it.  "I thought you knew."

She exhaled deeply. "I did, but still…seeing it…what could you possibly see in Lord Voldemort?"

"It's complicated, Lily." He sighed in exhaustion. This was a fight he thought had ended years ago and had no intention of starting again.

"That's what you've always said but you've never been able to tell me why." She pushed

He grit his teeth, an edge entering his voice.  "That doesn't mean I don't have my reasons."

"What do you do for him then? You don't…fight, do you?"

Severus shook his head again, his voice coming out as a grumble. "I don't do much of anything anymore."

"I thought you couldn't stop being a Death Eater?"

"You can't."

She looked at him, confused, but he didn't bother to tell her the truth. Straightening up again, he met her eye. "How long are you staying here?"

"I don't know yet, the house is still in mine and Petunia's name. I'm here until something changes." She glanced down at her hands before biting her lip. "Were you there that night?" She asked suddenly, throwing Severus off.

The question was sudden, it threw him off. “I’m not sure which night you mean.?" He knew  _exactly_ which night she was talking about. The one he'd let Remus go, the one he'd lost himself, the one she lost James.

"Never mind.” She smiled sadly, squeezing her eyes shut for a second. “I'll let you finish. I'll…I’ll see you around town, Severus."

He bid her goodbye and watched her walk away with a tinge of regret. When she was out of sight again, he collected his things and returned inside. He raised the hem of his shirt and dabbed the running sweat from his face before taking the stairs once again, depositing the freshly picked ingredients in his now rarely used potions room.

Stepping out of his dirt stained clothes and prosthesis he climbed into the shower and let the cold water run down his back. He closed his eyes, listening to the beat of the water on his skin. He stood carefully, holding onto the rail now attached to the wall. Finishing up, he fell into a routine like last night's, sleep.

Severus was utterly exhausted. The shower had drained him of his last bit of energy and he laid there unwilling to move. He wished his mind would shut off as easily, but no, instead he thought of Lily. After he'd called her that name their friendship had officially been destroyed.

It had been going downhill for some time, but the word "mudblood" had been the final catalyst. He'd tried, rather pathetically, to apologize, but it was pointless. Instead, she'd stood outside the portrait of the fat lady, her face full of anguish from the pain he had caused her and his full of tears. Neither of them managing to undo their actions.

Their relationship had improved again over time. They'd never managed to rebuild a friendship, but things had been cordial between them when they left Hogwarts. In the time since there were no shared classes, no bumping into each other in the hallways, no study hall. They had no reason to contact each other and so they hadn’t.

He'd seen her during raids, but he'd been disguised, and she'd never known he was there. She never knew that he lingered around her during fights with an intense desire to protect her even still. He couldn't live with himself if she had been killed.

And now, today, she'd come over like they were old friends, throwing questions at him as if she had a right to the answers. The words had been awkward and forced, but they'd been there. He recalled the way she'd looked at his dark mark and closed his eyes in a different kind of pain. The disappointment that had crossed her face had caused a heartache he hadn't felt in a long time.

There were days, especially now, when he wished he hadn't ruined everything. He had a lot of free time to agonize over his mistakes and he'd made a lot of them. He'd written letters to her, tried to reach out but had always ended up balling the parchment and tossing it in the rubbish bin. He'd always assumed she wouldn't want to hear from him, but today made him wonder differently. He had the urge then and there to show up at her place and beg for forgiveness, but first he needed to rest.

Xxxx

 

His clothes no longer covered in dirt, but still muggle and black all the same, he snatched an unopened bottle of fire whiskey from his kitchen and exited the house in the setting sun. The neighborhood was quiet as he walked, many of the children had been called home as the sky grew dark.

His stomach fluttered nervously as he grew closer to the Evan's home. Nearing the red brick house, he inhaled slowly to steel his nerves. Raising a closed fist, he rapped on the door. It was opened sooner than he expected, and he struggled to come up with an explanation as she looked back at him, as perfect as always. Her hair fell in tight curls down her back and she wore a blue, flowered dress. He struggled to remember if it was the same outfit as earlier. He'd been too focused on  _not_ paying attention to her then.

Remembering the whiskey suddenly and he held it out to her. "Welcome back to the neighborhood." He joked.

Her confused expression changed into a soft smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. She took the bottle from him. "Thank you, Severus." She glanced behind her, debating something internally before she stepped back from the door. "Come inside."

He bowed his head in thanks, accepting the invitation. There were subtle changes throughout. Some of the furniture he remembered from his visits here as a child, but other pieces were new. It seemed she was trying to make this place feel like home.

"What made you drop by?" She called from the kitchen where she had stepped to grab a couple glasses.

He waited for her to return before answering. She passed him a cup brimming with the alcohol and he stared at it hungrily, taking a sip of liquid courage. He relished in the trail of fire that ran down his throat before raising the glass. “The whiskey.”

Her eyes narrowed, empty hand landing on her hip. “Which you could have given me on any other day if you knew I was back.”

"I've been thinking about you." He blurted.

"Oh?"

He tugged at the collar of his shirt, the uncomfortable flush now creeping up his throat. "…for some time now."

She took a seat and beckoned for him to do the same. He happily obliged, ready to get off his feet. He winced at the pressure in his knees as he sat and ignored Lily's look of concern. He stared down at the clear liquid held between his hands. "Lily, I…" He closed and opened his mouth like a fish gasping in the air. "I should have made things right long ago. I'm truly sorry for what happened between us." He made eye contact with her again and struggled with the desire to enter her mind and see what she was thinking. He expected a dismissal or a rude remark, but her face was apologetic.

"I am too. I overreacted, I should-"

"No, Lily, you were- perfect, like always." She lifted the corners of her lips and looked away. "And I'm sorry about what happened to James."

She looked at him again with underlying betrayal. "Were you-"

"I was there." He concluded for her before hurriedly adding that he wasn't the one who cast the fatal spell.

"Do you regret it?" She asked in a small voice and Severus knew she meant becoming a Death Eater.

"Every day of my life." It was a dangerous thing to admit, he'd be a dead man if it ever got back to the Dark Lord, but at this time in his life he simply didn't care. More often than not, he was disappointed to wake up each morning.

"You said earlier you didn't do much for Voldemort anymore, how did you get out of it?"

"It's complicated."

"But Dumbledore knows? He must if you're working under Slughorn."

Severus hesitated. "Albus helped me out of it. He-"  _Saved my life._  "-he offered the position of apprentice because of it."

They awkwardly took sips from their drinks and Lily curled her legs up next to her in the chair.

"How are you handling the loss?" Severus asked finally.

She exhaled heavily. "It's been hard. I miss him so much, but it gets easier every day. I miss not hearing his voice every day and-“ It was her turn to blush and look down into her own drink. “I'm sorry, you probably don't want to hear this." She blushed.

"Go on.” He forced the words like a bitter poison, having no true interest in the man, only the woman before him.

"We- We'd just moved in together when it happened. I decided I couldn't stay in that flat any longer without him and came here…but it isn't much better." She laughed. "Now I'm reminded of my parents."

Her grief was visible, and he wanted to reach out and touch her, to reassure her. "Lily, I-"

"You don't need to be sorry, Severus. It's not your fault."

He nodded, and a timer sounded from the kitchen.

"Would you like to stay for dinner?"

"Oh no, I don't want to impose."

He made to stand when she looked at him pleadingly. "It'd be nice not to eat alone again."

"Yeah." He agreed reluctantly. "It would."

She walked briskly into the kitchen and Severus braced himself to stand from the chair. He limped slowly after her, legs growing sore as they always did this time of night. She watched him yet again as he painfully lowered himself into the kitchen chair.

"Severus? Are you okay?"

He waved her off. "Yes, yes, I'm fine."

Not believing a word he said, she spoke again. "Let me get you a potion at least." She moved to walk away, and he reached out to stop her, relishing in the touch of her skin.

"Don't worry about it, really, I'm fine." He tried to force a reassuring smile.

One she didn’t believe. "Okay… let me know if you change your mind."

"I will, thank you.”

She loaded their plates and he salivated at the smell of the chicken and potatoes before him. "This is wonderful, thank you. Much better than I would have had at home."

She shrugged. "Some would say it's pointless cooking for one, but it keeps me busy." She looked over at him. "You know, your mark wasn't the only thing I noticed earlier."

He felt the color drop from his face. "Oh?"  _What else does she know about?_

She shook her head and grabbed his wrist, pulling his arm up where they could see it. She ran a finger across the long scar decorating his wrist.

"Oh that." He said in slight relief. "It's nothing."

"What happened?"

"Comes with the territory of bad decisions." He cleared his throat, having no desire to discuss that either.

"My, my, secretive, are we?"

Severus smiled to himself, she had no idea.

 

 

 


	3. My Body

**My body tells me no!** ****  
But I won't quit  
'Cuz I want more, 'cuz I want more

**My Body - Young Giant**

Xxxx

Severus had spent the remaining part of Saturday and all of Sunday recovering from his day in the garden. He woke up Monday feeling more refreshed than he had felt in a long time. There was a certain spring in his step as he entered the castle doors and made his way to the musty, dimly lit dungeon where his work would begin.

With a quick glance at Slughorn's plans for the day, Severus began removing the appropriate ingredients for today's lessons. He organized them into the three classes that were to be held that day. The first class would be arriving soon, and Severus lined the appropriate jars on Slughorn's desk like he liked them. Horace always preferred the ingredients where he could watch them, monitor that no one was taking much.

Severus' next task was instructions. Drawing the chalkboard out from the corner of the classroom he stood in front of it, using his wand as a sort of quill. As he flicked his wand through the air, letters began to appear in chalky writing. Severus wrote them from memory with none of his "fancy" additions.

He'd tried that once when the job had first started. The stern frown on Slughorn's face had told Severus' he didn't approve. From then on, the Professor insisted that he only write what was in the book, word for word and so Severus had. Yet, whenever Severus' was asked to brew a potion, whether for Slughorn's supplies or to be used in class, Horace always found himself amazed at the quality Severus produced. He seemed incapable of attributing that to the fact that Severus had made changes to the original recipe.

He stepped back from the chalkboard as Professor Slughorn waddled into the room, out of breath. "Good…good, thank you…Severus."

"Of course, Sir." Severus replied with a smirk.

Slughorn hefted himself into the chair behind his desk where he'd remain during the majority of the class…of the day. Still breathing heavily, he inspected the small amount of work Severus had done before finally giving his approval.

As the clock ticked, the hands resting on the hour mark, students began to filter in and take their seats. Severus stayed in the shadowed darkness of the back of the classroom while the real Professor explained their assignment for the day. When he was done, the first years began scrambling to the front to collect the necessary items.

"Now, now McGlark, only one horn is necessary." Slughorn reprimanded. "Ms. Field, be careful not to spill any of that. We don't want trips up to the hospital, now do we?"

Intertwining his fingers behind his back Severus began his rounds, peering into students Cauldrons to make sure they wouldn't be creating anything potentially dangerous. Severus frequently wondered why such young children were provided tools and ingredients that could cause severe injury to others. He only shook his head and bit his tongue. The number of dunderheads that entered the castle walls astounded him.

Fourth years came next, the class went on in a similar fashion as the first though there were fewer warnings than before. When the bell sounded to release them, they scrambled from their stools in unison and headed for the Great Hall for lunch, Slughorn lumbering behind them.

Severus stayed, in his two months of employment he had chosen not to attend a single meal. He was only nineteen, far too young to be sitting at the teacher's table when so many students here still knew who he was. No, he felt too much like a child attending lunch with his parents. The break gave him time to be alone and enjoy the peaceful quiet.

Sitting in the office, he picked at the depressing lunch he'd brought from home, a Caesar salad. It was much healthier than the offerings upstairs and here he wasn't tempted to load his plate with food that would eventually begin to show. No, he'd deal with his tasteless, wilted salad.

With a sigh he set the fork down and rubbed his tired eyes. Glancing at the wizarding watch on his wrist he found he only had a few minutes before the last class of the day started. The break had passed much too quickly. This class was a double, but the thought of "one more" was relieving just the same. Abandoning his lunch, he returned to the classroom and resumed his day.

Xxxx

"See? I told you, you just needed to try a little harder." Horace commented with a clap on Severus' shoulder once the students had left. Severus responded with a grimace, not bothering to waste his time telling the man how he really felt. Severus reminded himself that the man didn't know the extent of his injuries. Most people didn't.

Dumbledore was aware of course, he and Madam Pomfrey had been the ones to bring him to the hospital. Then there was the Dark Lord. Severus had feared for his life when he had to tell him. He half expected the mad man to kill him on the spot for even reaching out for help after what Gibbon had done.

Severus was prepared for the anger he knew was coming, but the end result had surprised him. Voldemort had been angry, oh yes, absolutely furious, but it hadn't been directed at Severus. No, Gibbon had been on the receiving end instead.

Gibbon had already crossed the line once before, costing the Dark Lord one of his precious followers. After he had nearly cost him Severus too, he had received his  _own_ torture session. Of course, Voldemort was more controlled. He knew how to inflict pain and suffering without leaving everlasting effects. Because of it, Gibbon suffered dearly, but _he_ had recovered. He wasn't left in the same position Severus was.

Voldemort had been unable to push Severus to the same limits he would have in the past. He never felt compassion for Severus, absolutely not, the man was incapable of it, but he  _was_ smart. The Dark Lord knew he could only push Severus so much with his new-found body, or lack thereof, without making him completely useless. That's when Severus had been sent to Hogwarts.

Severus was grateful for the position. He was perfectly happy to not be sent out on raids any longer, to no longer be responsible for deaths. He'd never killed anyone _personally,_ but his very presence contributed to the effort. Here, he could help keep people safe by working as Dumbledore's spy. The position was much harder than that of a fighter. He had to be careful with everything he said and everything he did, but it was a position he was thankful for all the same.

Severus collected his things and bid his boss farewell, holding his tongue for the millionth time. He ducked out of the door and headed off in as quick of a pace as he could manage, anxious to be free of the place, the responsibilities, the people.

Reaching the edge of the ground he disapparated to his home.

He took the stairs two at a time before throwing his potion stained clothes off himself and adorning muggle attire instead. Taking advantage of his higher level of energy, he set off on a brisk walk.

The evenings were beginning to fill with a biting chill and few people remained outside this time of night. He stuffed his hands in his pockets to keep them warm and soldiered on, the cold somehow more invigorating. He walked past the river he'd loved as a child, the river he and Lily had shared. He hadn't been there in years. For a long time, it had been filled with painfully happy memories, but this weekend he'd spent with her had changed something within him. Those memories seemed easier to bear in this moment and he felt a pull to the water's edge. He turned, stepping on the dirt pathway that led between the trees. With the water in view he ducked under a branch.

"Fancy seeing you here." The voice of Lily startled him.

"What are you doing here this time of night? You'll freeze."

She merely shrugged. "I've been out here every night since moving back. The water relaxes me. What are  _you_ doing here?" She asked, gesturing to his lack of a jacket.

"I just got home from work, thought I'd got for a walk."

"Have you eaten?"

"No, why?"

"Do you want to go to Butler's with me?...for old times’ sake?"

Severus thought on it for a moment. "Lily…I don't know if it's a good idea."

"Oh…right." Although she tried to hide her disappointment, Severus saw the small drop in her smile and a dimming of the glint in her eyes.

"No! It's not like that. I just…I don't know if we should be seen together. Me being a…and you being a…"

"No, it's fine, I get it, really." She tried to smile but it wasn’t as bright as before.

"Why don't we head back to my place?" Severus found himself saying, his lips having reached that idea before his brain. Lily had always been able to cause that.

A real smile appeared on her face then. "Yeah, I'd like that."

He turned away from the river and she walked alongside him, heading back the way they had come. The distance was short, Severus hadn't gone far I'm the first place. Arriving at the thick front door he whispered an unlocking charm pushing the door open and welcoming her inside.

"I like what you've done with the place." She examined the shabby interior he had hardly touched.

"Hmph. It'll do."

"Sev, why did you come back?" She asked, making herself at home, but reserving an intense stare for him.

"What do you mean?" He fiddled with the door, suddenly finding it the most interesting thing in the room as it was closed with a squeak.

"Here. For as long as I've known you you've fought to get out of here yet here you are." He sat down next to her and she watched him suspiciously. "Severus, something about you is…different. What happened?"

He looked into her beautiful green eyes and how they shone with the innocence of her question. He sighed. "It's complicated, I don't know if you want to know."

"Severus, you've changed, and I don't understand why. You haven't done anything you wanted to do when we were kids."

"Life happens. You aren't the same either."

"Yes, Sev. I am."

He leaned his head back and raked his fingers through his hair. "Okay, okay." He conceded. He was silent for a moment, forming his thoughts. "That night, the same one that James…I messed up. The Dark Lord was furious with me.”

"He tortured you?"

Severus noticed the sadness in her eyes as she asked. The way that she looked at him made him want to tell her everything. "A death eater. He used a lot of unknown spells…St. Mungo's wasn't able to heal them completely, some not at all."

"Is that where your limp comes from then?"

He smirked, laughing at the situation despite the lack of humor. "It's his fault, yes…Are you hungry?"

"Wait, I still don't understand. You're trying to tell me that  _all of this."_ She said, gesturing at the room around them." That your whole life now is because of a _few spells_?"

He hated the way she phrased it, how she brushed it all off as something so simple. "No." He said, voice strained. It was just like how Horace spoke to him. He pushed himself into a standing position.

"Severus, I didn't mean-"

"Just forget it." He said, plastering on a smile and cutting her off

Her eyes flicked back and forth between his. "Okay."

He limped from the room and into the kitchen. Lily didn’t follow and for a second, he was grateful. He had only walked a short distance, yet his leg was beginning to throb from his earlier excursion. He pulled a pan out of his cupboard with a bang, slamming it on the counter.

"Severus.” Her voice met him suddenly. “I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm just trying to understand."

"So am I, Lily. So am I." His eyes were squeezed shut as he tried to quell the agony that was setting him. His palms were pressed in to the tile counter and he could feel his legs beginning to shake.

"Sev, sit down, let me." She placed a hand on his arm, attempting to guide him away.

He reached for the pan he had previously gotten out and gripped onto the metal handle. With a slew of curse words, he chucked it across the room, hearing a satisfying shatter and bang. It was only then that he collapsed in a nearby chair, holding his head in his hands.

"Maybe I should go…"

He looked up at her then, fearful that he had scared her away. She couldn’t leave him, not yet. "Please, stay...You want to know everything?"

She nodded in hesitation, and he bent down, reaching for the hem of his pants. He began rolling up his pant leg and she just watched him, confused. "It was more than a few spells." He undid the nearly invisible latch behind his knee. Her brow furrowed, and he closed his eyes, removing his artificial leg. "He turned me into Alastor Bloody Moody."

Severus' didn't know what to expect. The only people who knew were his two masters. He'd never told anyone else before. He didn't want to open his eyes, didn't want to see the look on her face that meant she felt sorry for him. He didn't want to be treated like a victim. He didn't even want to look down and see his stump. It was a sight he avoided whenever possible.

He heard the chair beside his squeak on the floor as she pulled it out. He heard her sit and she placed her hand on his. The touch surprised him, it was a touch he had missed for so long. He opened his eyes then and looked at her. "Severus, I'm sorry.” Her voice was soft. “I shouldn't have pushed. I shouldn't have assumed. I just wanted to understand."

"It doesn't weird you out?"

She smiled, almost a laugh. "No, surprisingly I didn’t reach out to you because of your legs.”

He smiled back at her, a real one, the ones he rarely gave. He reached out and tucked a strand of red hair behind her ear, letting his fingers linger a moment longer.

"It hurts then?"

He laughed. "I'd be lying if I said no." His faced turned sober. "All the time, and it's not just this. Whatever gibbon did… there's constant pain everywhere. My knees, my hips, my back, everything just  _hurts._ "

"And there's nothing you can do?"

He shook his head. "No, they said it might get better in time, but I don't know. Amputations aren't common in the wizarding world and it's already been a year."

She nodded, lip between her teeth. “It does answer a lot of questions.”

"Yes, it's changed a lot unfortunately."

"Is there anything I can do?"

He smiled to himself at her offer, it was such a Lily thing to say. He didn't answer, only listened to the silence between them. He felt that pull again, similar to the one that had brought him to the river and found himself leaning in towards her.

He expected her to pull back, to push him away,  _something_. Instead he found that the pull seemed to be affecting her as well. He stopped, centimeters from her face and took in the sight of her full, red lips. He reached up then, running his thumb along her jaw. She closed the distance between them and she was on him suddenly, soft lips pressed to his.

He closed his eyes and took in the moment he had waited for, for years.  When she pulled back from him her cheeks were the shade of her hair. He moved his hand from her cheek to the back of her neck and pressed her back towards him. She didn't fight him, enjoying the moment just as much as he.

 

 


	4. Through These Tears

**This hurts like hell**   
**But I keep telling myself**   
**It's gonna get better**   
**But it's taking forever**

**Thru These Tears - Lany**

Xxxx

He'd made a mistake, a rather large one at that. He'd woken up one morning and felt in a way he hadn't in months, not before the torture that had left him this way, to begin with. Everything seemed to be back to normal.

He woke up feeling as though he was whole again, nothing ached for once, his head was clear from the usual, overwhelming fog, and even his prosthetic wasn't rubbing his skin raw in places as it sometimes did. At that moment, he'd had a sliver of hope that maybe his healers had been right about him becoming “normal” again.

He progressed through the day with a new-found motivation and eagerness. He'd expected to crash later that evening, but the crash never came. He tended his garden and began brewing a new potion he'd been researching for some time, but had never started for one reason or another.

His day had been full and that evening he'd fallen asleep quickly, without the usual tossing and turning and wakefulness that kept him up at night. He woke the next morning feeling just the same and that glimmer of hope he had felt only grew. It grew, and it grew over several days. That wishful thinking that he was getting better.

He had spent most evenings with Lily during that week. He either snuck to her place or she to his. They were wary to be seen in public together, and rightfully so. They were both well aware of what Voldemort was capable of. Severus, of course, had seen the Dark Lord's power regularly and how people cowered before it. Then there was Lily who had watched the love of her life murdered before her very eyes, had cried over his dead body. Yes, they were aware what they were getting into, but that didn't seem to stop them.

Wednesday night, just over a week after Severus had begun feeling better, he'd decided to test out his muscles by running. He was careful, he warmed up, he started at a slow pace and gradually worked his way to a faster one. He savored the feeling in his legs as his feet pounded the ground, and a light breeze caressed his skin. He'd only gone a few meters before he began winding down again into a jog and eventually a walk, but it had been enough.

He couldn't say he was surprised. He'd never really had muscle tone to begin with, but now, after a year of a sedentary lifestyle what little he had had dwindled. He understood that he'd have to build it back up again and that wouldn't happen overnight.

His chest heaved for air and he folded his hands behind his head in an attempt to bring in more. His throat felt raw and tight from heavy breathing and exertion. A mild ache lingered beneath his skin, but it was a different kind, a good kind. The type that meant his body had performed the way he _wanted_ it to. He felt a drop of sweat roll between his shoulder blades and down his back. Everything about the experience had been gratifying and he returned home with a boyish grin.

It was roughly 3 am that night when he realized how truly foolish he had been. His body throbbed, and the slightest movement sent zings of pain throughout his body. He couldn't stretch, he couldn't turn over, he could only suffer in the quiet loneliness of the night. It was times like this he felt truly alone.

Outside his window, all of England was sleeping and all he wanted to do was close his eyes and join them. A nauseous feeling began to rise in his stomach and he decided then for a concoction of potions.

He hobbled across the hallway using his dreaded cane as support. He would love to set the thing on fire, but times like this it was necessary. He was just grateful he hadn't had to use it in public…yet. Opening the door of what used to be his childhood bedroom, he frantically searched for the potion of his desire. It was one of the few projects he had worked on in the past year.

The vials of potion rattled as his shaky hands examined them. Relief swelled in him as he finally plucked the amber colored liquid from the rack. He clasped it carefully in his hands, careful not to drop the fragile glass. He didn't dare take it now, it kicked in too fast and he didn't much like the idea of sleeping on the floor. Instead, he staggered back the way he came and downed the vial upon reaching the safety of his bed. Within seconds his brain began to fog over, and he drifted into the painless safety of sleep.

He awoke sometime later. Peeking through his lids, he saw daylight filling the room and his arm shot out in search of his clock. The ticking hands looking back at him showed it was nearly seven, the time he was supposed to show up for work. A pit formed in his stomach at the fact he wouldn't be able to make it, not like this.

Finding his wand on the nightstand, he sent a message filled doe to Slughorn, informing him he was staying home. He gave a chuckle when Horace' mole patronus appeared, confirming that was fine. The animal was a perfect representation of him and never failed to make Severus laugh. He shimmied farther beneath the covers, falling back into a blissful sleep for several more hours.

Xxxx

The pain was sudden, a searing of desire as the mark burned black. Adrenaline flooding his veins, he scrambled out of bed in a panic. He quickly threw on robes and a pair of shoes before standing still, clearing his mind and burying memories where the Dark Lord wouldn't find them. He took a deep breath to calm his nerves and hide the terror he always felt when Lord Voldemort called him. With a wave of his wand, the black and silver mask formed across his face. Turning on the spot he focused on the mark, the location he was supposed to arrive at and turned on the spot.

With slight relief, he landed outside of headquarters. Unbuttoning his left sleeve and pushing it up, he showed his mark to the guard. The mark was rooted in blood magic and as such didn't form under polyjuice potion. It was one of the safety guards Voldemort had put into place at its creation.

The masked guard roughly grabbed Severus' wrist to check for authenticity and allowed him inside upon his approval. Having shaken off his sleepiness and the adrenaline rush of before having died down, Severus felt his stomach rumble from a full day of not eating. The sky was dark again, but he had no sense of time, having not bothered to check it before disapparating. All he knew was that he had slept the day away.

Severus followed the mass of Death Eaters down the dimly lit, concrete hallways. Even the mere building was imposing and full of a sense of danger. They were like cattle being led to slaughter. They gathered in the meeting room together and lined up against the back wall. It was almost like a theatre with the darkened room and one spotlight on center stage, where Voldemort always stood. The man was always one for dramatics. The light commanded everyone's attention, as if any of them would even dare think about anything else while they were here. When the last men and women arrived, the door was shut behind them, locking them in. Only seconds later did the door directly behind the spotlight open.

Voldemort’s robes billowed at behind him as he walked with a sense of grace toward his servants. He stopped under the light which illuminated every feature. Every line of his face was tinged with depravity. Beneath it all, one could see how the man might have been considered handsome at one time. His cynical voice filled the room

"My children." He regarded them all. "It seems we have a busy night ahead of us." He gestured to someone in the crowd and Severus saw a squat, heavyset man make his way to the Dark Lord's side. "It seems we have a new brother joining our ranks." The man was masked beside him, it was a common display of protection until the new member proved how worthy and how important a hidden identity would be. Voldemort grasped the man's left arm suddenly, bring it up towards him. "What should we do with him?"

"Mark him as our own." The room chorused in a cult-like manner, Severus unwillingly among them.

Voldemort's face glinted with pleasure as he removed a knife from within his robes. At the sight of it, the man squirmed, but remained at the Dark Lord’s side. Voldemort drew the knife down the exposed arm teasingly, prolonging the agony. He pressed the tip of the blade just below the man's elbow, drawing it down. Red blood seeped out in the trail it made, and the man fought not to scream in pain. When the knife reached his wrist, it was lifted.

Voldemort brought the sharp point to his fingertip, letting his own deep, red, blood pool out. Pressing the bloody fingertip to the man's new wound, he dragged it down along the cut he had made, letting the vital fluid mingle and become one. Removing his wand then, Voldemort traced the blood into the shape of the snake eating skull. When he was done, he cast a silent spell and the official dark mark was formed the gash underneath it healed. He dropped the man's arm as suddenly and roughly as he had grabbed it and sent the man to join his new family.

"Our brother, Lucius." The Dark Lord moved on. "Was recently given a promotion within the Ministry. We suspect it to give us further control and allow us to take a greater hold of the Ministry, should we need to. Millicent Bagnold remains as spineless as ever and isn't a conceived threat at this time." Voldemort grinned, pleased with himself. "Severus." He drawled suddenly.

Severus stepped forward, dropping his head in a bow. "What news can you provide us?"

"Nothing, my Lord. Dumbledore doesn't yet have full trust in me. He has shared nothing with me."

"He knows you to be a Death Eater?"

"Yes, my Lord, but he is convinced that I have turned for the ‘greater good’. The old man was always a fool."

A mirthless chuck emanated from Voldemort. "You will continue to gain his trust, do whatever you must but remain unsuspicious. When the time is right, you will infiltrate the Order as well."

"My, Lord." Severus said, remembering suddenly. He kicked himself for letting the revelation slip from his mind. "Dumbledore seeks a new divination Professor. As of now he only has one applicant for the job, Sybil Trelawney."

A smiled stretch across the Dark Lord's placid face "Good…good… Why didn't you bring us this information sooner?" The smile dropped, and his hand moved ever so slightly, drawing his wand higher.

"My Lord…I forgot." It was the brain fog. The dread inside him grew and before he knew it, his knees connected with the unrelenting concrete beneath him. He winced in immense pain and the Dark Lord entered his mind.

Voldemort searched through a week's worth of memories containing Dumbledore. Reaching the point where this morning's memory of Hogwarts should have been he found blackness. Severus forced forward the amount of pain he'd been in that morning and what he'd done to fix it.

 _What is the potion?_ Voldemort asked through legillimency. Severus then projected the memories of him creating it, the trials and failures. Seeming satisfied, Voldemort pushed for the memory that Severus had mentioned, that Dumbledore was indeed hiring.

He pulled out of his mind quickly, leaving Severus almost dizzy. "The truth pleases me. Don't let such a slip up happen again." Voldemort punctuated every word. "You will give us that potion."

"It won't my, Lord. Yes, my, Lord." Severus stayed low, unable to move.

"Stand!" The Dark Lord commanded, and Severus forced himself up, fighting not to cry out. He walked unsteadily back to his fellow Death Eaters.

With a turn on his heel and disappearing through the back door, Voldemort dismissed them. Leaning into the wall for support, Severus made his way to the exit, to freedom. He disapparated, landing on the back porch of a familiar red house. With his wand he removed the mask and rapped on the door furiously.

Lily opened the door fearfully, not knowing who was there. She relaxed at the sight of Severus standing there, hunched over. She placed a hand on her beating heart. "Severus, you scared me." She exhaled.

He looked up at her with the need to have her in his arms. Placing an arm around him for support, she helped him inside and into a chair. "What happened?"

"Voldemort." He breathed simply, and she flinched at the name. The mere mention of him was enough of an explanation and she didn't push for more.

"What are you doing here?" She asked worriedly.

He smiled coyly and reached out for her hand. "I just needed you, needed this."

She reached out, brushing the black strands of hair from his face and giving him a tender kiss. "Stay with me."

He nodded. "Okay." And kissed her again. He didn't need convincing. He was exhausted and sore and had no desire to return home where he'd be alone. His home was filled with traumatic memories of his childhood. He had no desire to return to the place. He wouldn't be there at all if he had anywhere else to go.

She helped him stand, understanding what he needed without him needing to say it. His hunger of earlier was gone to be replaced by only a hunger for her. He hobbled after her up the stairs, remembering his way around the house from all the days he'd spent here as a child. He followed her into the bedroom, the one she'd had when they were younger.

Everything about it was different, more grown up. The previous bedroom had been full of childish things, stuffed animals and unicorn figurines. Now all those were gone, and the hot pink had been replaced with a deep maroon. "Do you…mind if I shower?"

"Of course not." She smiled in confirmation and he headed for the bathroom, covered in grime from the evening. He turned the knob and allowed steam to fill the room. Looking down at his knees, he saw they were already mottled with a deep shade of purple.

He undressed, the fake leg along with it, and stepped beneath the scalding water. He sat on the floor of the tub, unable to stand any longer. He let the water beat down on him, releasing the tension in his shoulders and causing him to sweat. The mist began filling his head, relaxing him and it was then he decided he needed to move. The hard floor would only hurt him further.

Lifting himself off the floor and out of the shower with slightly more energy than before, he transformed his robes into something clean and more comfortable. He left his prosthesis there on the floor, having no desire to reattach it or bring it with him. He covered the sight of it with a towel, more for himself than for Lily. He dressed quickly and using the wall to support himself he made his way back to the bedroom with a series of hops.

Xxxx

The sound startled her, the sudden pounding on the glass. She warily made her way to the back door, nervous about even opening it this time of night but she pulled it back anyway. Severus stood before her, if you could call it that, barely supporting himself upright. He looked positively miserable, worse than she'd ever seen him before and she quickly ushered him inside and off his feet.

She noticed the look of vulnerability in his eyes and was drawn towards him. It was an emotion he rarely showed, and she couldn't help but feel sorry for him. He would have hated that, he never liked being the victim and so when he finally told her the truth a couple weeks ago about what had happened to him, she tried to be strong.

 In reality, she'd been amazed at how well he seemed to be handling it all. She knew none of this was easy for him. He'd strived to get out of Cokeworth his whole life and now he'd been forced back. She knew his father was in town and wondered how long he could avoid Tobias before the inevitable happened.

She realized then how much she wanted him, now, but he was in no shape for it tonight and she subconsciously wondered if he ever would be. Pushing the selfish thought away, she asked if he wanted to stay the night. She didn't know how he'd make it home otherwise and suspected he'd apparated to the backyard so as not to have to walk to the front door. She'd been gleefully surprised when he said yes, he would stay, and she saw a flicker of relief cross his features.

Helping him upstairs they parted ways, he to shower and she to wait for him. She dug inside her dresser drawers looking for night clothes. Her fingers traced over the worn fabric of one of James' favorite shirts. It was one of her favorites as well and she'd worn it nearly every night, until recently. Now, feeling herself falling for someone else the shirt almost felt like a form of betrayal and she pushed it to the back of the drawer, digging out a different one. It was a plain, forest green men's shirt, several sizes too big for her. Holes dotted the edges from age. It had been one of her other favorites for years. She pulled it on quickly.

It wasn't long before the bedroom door was pushed open again and Severus hopped through. Her eyes strayed momentarily to his right leg, where the pair of sweats seemed to hang, unsupported. Part of her still felt weirded out about it, but she would never let him know that. She offered to help him to the bed, but he gave a shake off his head and made it over there himself with a practiced ease. Folding the covers back, he slid inside, and she joined him. She wiggled across the queen-sized mattress until she fit perfectly in the crook of his arm.

"You still have my shirt."

She blushed in the dark. "Why wouldn't I?"

He didn't respond, they were both aware of the reasoning.

"We may have drifted apart, but I never forgot you, Sev."

She heard his head on the pillow as he turned to look at her. "Me neither."

His mouth was on hers suddenly, tongue flicking inside.

Her hand teased around the edge of his waistband of his pants momentarily before dipping inside. He wrapped his own arm around her, feeling her arse which was covered only by a thin pair of panties. Removing her hand, she snuggled closer to him and he moved his hand higher up her waist. She looked up at him, staring in his dark, somber eyes and he into her forest green ones. She felt the beat of his heart thumping against his chest and the rhythmic sound made her eyes flutter with heaviness as she drifted off.

Xxxx

She woke before him the next morning and slipped noiselessly from his arms. She gazed at him for a second and felt a flutter in her chest. She could tell even now, how exhausted he'd been and admired his strength. She wondered what he'd been through last night at the hands of Voldemort that put him in such awful shape and she wondered when it would happen again.

She left the room, preparing for her own job. Entering the bathroom, she saw Severus' towel from last night wadded up on the floor. She bent to hang it and found what it was hiding. The realistic look of the leg unnerved her when it wasn't attached to him and she almost dropped the towel back on it. Shaking her head, ashamed of herself, she returned it and hopped in the shower.

It was nothing more than a quick rinse before she stepped out again and walked back to the bedroom. She pulled her uniform from the closet and began to dress. The sound of it must have woken him as she heard his sleepy voice just as she finished buttoning her pants.

"What time is it?" He mumbled.

"Just after six, how are you feeling?"

She heard the sound of him moving on the sheets, finding out for himself. "Better." He said finally, though she didn’t quite believe him.

Slipping on her top she kissed the top of his head. "I'll start breakfast." She took the stairs quickly and it was only a moment before the eggs were sizzling in the pan. He came down just a few minutes later and his limp was barely noticeable, a large improvement on last night. He came up behind her, placing her hand on hers as she stirred.

"Where are you working?" He asked, frowning at her muggle uniform.

She blushed in embarrassment. "The market."

He nodded and set the table. She liked the domestication of all this, of having him here beside her when she woke up. "I was thinking…if you ever want to drop by, you don't need to knock, just let yourself in."

He smiled softly from across the room. "I will."

Bringing the freshly prepared food to the table, she sat next to him and they filled their plates. He pushed his food around in thought and she looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "What's on your mind?"

"I've been thinking about what you said, how you asked if I came here for Tobias."

"And?" Her eyebrows were raised in curiosity.

"Well, maybe I should pay him a visit." He took a bite, chewing it slowly, his thoughts elsewhere.

"Are you sure that's wise?"

He shrugged. "I don't know but maybe it'll help me move on. There's enough plaguing my life and my mind. I don't need him there too."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

He shook his head vigorously as he finished chewing the bite in his mouth. "I don't want you anywhere near him."

She felt a slight sense of relief, she didn't want to be anywhere near the man either. Finishing her plate and bringing it to the sink, she flicked her wand and the dish began cleaning themselves. "I need to finish getting ready." She said as he stood from his own seat.

"I need to head out anyway." He kissed her passionately, unwilling to pull away. "I'll come back tonight." He said when they came up for air.

"I'd like that." She couldn't help the smile pulling on her red lips as he pulled away from her and disapparated.


	5. Addicted

**Addicted - Saving Abel**

Xxxx

Dumbledore steepled his fingers in front of his face, elbows leaning into the large mahogany desk as Severus relayed the previous evening. "We'll have to give him the location."

Severus stared down into the caramel colored liquid that swirled in his glass. "Are you sure that's wise?"

"The woman is a sham. I am not expecting anything to come of the interview. With her being our only candidate I suspect we'll be scraping the divination class altogether."

Severus took a sip, letting the oaky flavor fill his mouth. "Any information would please him. Spying is to be expected."

"I wouldn't expect anything less. The information will show a newfound trust in you."

"Anything to help prevent subsequent torture. This information should hold him for now. His main focus is on the Ministry and gaining control."

"The Order and I will do what we can to prevent it."

"Evans, does she still fight for the Order?" Severus blurted.

A noticeable sadness replaced the twinkle in Dumbledore's eyes. "After the loss of James, she requested to step down. She said she would let me know when she was ready again. Why the sudden interest?"

"Just checking up on an old flame." Severus smirked, avoiding Dumbledore's gaze.

"You are aware she returned to Cokeworth, I'm sure?"

Severus stared down into his glass, feigning despair. "Our relationship…it's not the same as before."

"I gathered." Dumbledore said simply, unwilling to make any assumptions. "Well, Severus, if that is all I'll send you the interview information when Ms. Trelawney is available. She is currently in Albania and I don't plan on speaking with her for a month or two."

Severus bowed his head and returned his glass. "Thank you, Sir…Mind if I?" He asked with a gesture to the fireplace.

"Not at all." Dumbledore gave a weak smile.

Severus dug his hand into the grainy floo powder and tossed it into the fireplace. Announcing his address he stepped into the green flames. As they immersed his body he arrived inside his home with a sigh.

Making way to his makeshift potion room he sorted through paperwork looking for the potion Voldemort had requested, the Poena Draught. Many of the items in the room were covered in a thin layer of dust from lack of use which only made him more depressed. The only brewing he'd done lately was to keep up on his own stock and for the Dark Lord. He'd been entrusted with the Death Eaters' potions since day one. Many of them had known the quality and variety he could produce. Now Voldemort didn't think the task belonged to anyone else, he wanted nothing but the best. Of course, that wasn't what Severus gave.

He used his older ingredients that were beginning to go bad and wouldn't be viable much longer. Occasionally he'd "forget" a stir or a minute amount of an ingredient. The only thing that changed was the potion's effectiveness. They still worked as they should, just not as long or as well. Finally finding the recipe he set it aside with the appropriate ingredients. When he received the information about Trelawney he'd bring the potion to Voldemort as well. The interview was set for the tentative future with Trelawney being out of town.

He'd planned on apparating to Lily's later that evening when he'd gotten some brewing done. He was running low on many things and couldn't put it off any longer. As he dropped the flobberworm mucus into what would be a sleeping draught he heard a knock at the door. With a smile he left to open it, unsurprised to find Lily there. He gestured for her to come in and she did, happily. He noticed she had abandoned her work uniform for something a little more revealing but kept his eyes to himself…for now.

"I wasn't expecting you." He said simply.

She shrugged. "I didn't want to wait for you any longer."

"Come upstairs then, I'm just finishing up some potions."

She did as he said and followed him up the stairs. The farthest into his house she had been had only happened a couple weeks ago. Before then she'd never been further than the entryway of the Snape home and looked around curiously, wondering how much had changed. Severus' had never let her inside, for her own safety he said. After the stories she'd heard of Tobias, she had no desire to find out for herself just how awful his dad was. She didn't understand how Severus could even bear living here.

"How are you feeling today?" She asked suddenly as they entered the small room.

He frowned. "Surprisingly well, considering everything that happened."

"You aren't hurting then?"

"Oh, Lily, I'm always hurting. Some days it's just more bearable than others. This is one of those."

She watched him stir the Potion that was currently a sickening shade of yellow. He added ingredients with expertise, no need to measure after so many years of doing this. He waved his wand over the potion and it began to bubble.

"It needs to sit for a while. What would you like to do?" He leaned back against the workstation.

She trailed a finger up his clothed arm. "You know…it's been so long since we were anything but it feels although no time has passed. We're right back where we left off."

"I'd say it's better than that. We've both seen things now, been through things. We aren't children anymore."

A certain sadness filled her face. "It's too soon, we're too young for all of this."

He wrapped his arms around her and she laid her head on his chest. "Dumbledore said you left the Order."

She shrugged against him. "Losing Mum and Dad and then James, It was all just too much. The day he was killed we almost lost Remus as well. He was in a Death Eaters' clutch, I don't know how he got away."

Severus felt his skin go cold and chills ran down his spine. "That was me."

She pulled back so she could meet his eyes. "What do you mean?"

"I was the Death Eater, I let him go. I couldn't…"

"Sev…I saw it, I saw it all…you saved his life."

"I'm well aware, so is the Dark Lord."

"Is that why he-"

"Yes." The reply was more cutting than he meant it to be.

"Why do you call him that? The 'Dark Lord'"

Severus was relieved by the slight change of subject. "Habit really, it's the name he prefers."

"Not even his followers are allowed to call him…Voldemort?"

"No…it creates a sense of mystery, of danger."

She shook her head. "He's insane. I'll never understand why you chose to follow him in the first place."

"Looking back, knowing what I know now, I don't either."

Silence passed between them and he just held her. Her head lifted with the rise and fall of his chest and she traced the buttons that ran down his robes, wondering what it looked like underneath. She looked up at him again and saw a similar look of desire on his face. She gave the sexiest smile she could. "How much longer on that potion?"

"About fifty minutes." He smiled coyly back, knowing her thoughts already. Taking her hand in his he led her down the hallway and into his bedroom. He drew the curtains shut in the dimming light and they stood before each other awkwardly. He approached her slowly, placing one hand around her neck and the other on her waist. The kisses grew with intensity and before either of them knew it they found their way to bare skin. Her fingers fumbled on the buttons of his robes, tearing them apart while his hands made their way beneath her blouse and up her bare sides. Raising her shirt he slipped it off entirely and she pushed the sleeves of his robes down his shoulders. They moved onto removing each other's pants next and made their way closer to the bed as each piece of clothing was tossed to the floor.

She felt the nearly invisible stubble brushing sharply against her skin and it only fueled her desire. Grazing the skin of her outer thighs he lifted her on to the bed, never breaking contact. Their bodies rose and fell together until they both fell back, satisfied. She laid against his naked body, admiring the sight now that she wasn't distracted by everything else. She traced patterns into his skin with her fingernails and explored each scar that covered his abdomen and chest. Some looked rather new while others had faded with age. She wondered how many of them were inflicted by Mulciber and how many were from Tobias.

"Sev? What do you think about being back here?" She spoke softly.

He chuckled slightly with no real humor in it. "The only good thing about it is you."

She was quiet for a moment, thinking. "I've lived the past year of my life alone. I thought what I had with James…I thought I loved him but with you, everything is so different. So much time has passed, I just don't know anymore. I've felt alone for so long, before I even lost him and now…"

"What are you getting at?" He asked seriously.

"I'm tired of living alone, Sev. Move in with me, get out of this place."

He studied her face, looking deep into her eyes. It was like he was checking that this was actually happening, it wasn't some big joke. "What if someone finds out? What about Voldemort?"

"We'll be careful. No one knows about us and no one has to. You can keep this place for appearances and you can stay with me."

"That doesn't answer my question about the Dark Lord, Lils."

"He wants my kind dead anyway. I'm not going to live my life in fear of him. I'm not going to stop going after what I want, what I need just because of him. You shouldn't either or we'll never be happy. Sev, you're better at occlumency than anyone I know, you can do this. I doubt he'll even broach the topic."

Severus nodded but he couldn't help the worry inside him. "You're right, Merlin, you're always right."

"You want to do it then?"

"Hell yes."

Xxxx

Severus stood in front of the mirror, examining himself. Today would be the first time in three years that he saw his father. He'd grown taller since then and his lanky frame was filling out more and more. He didn't know what to expect from this visit but he dreaded any words coming from the disgusting excuse for a human being. He was thankful then for the millionth time that he looked more like his Mum than his Dad. The only noticeable feature he'd inherited from the man was his nose. It served as a reminder of him every day. With a deep breath, he disapparated.

Severus appeared in practically the middle of nowhere, out of sight from any muggle eyes. The building was a ways from town for the protection of everyone involved. He stared up at the imposing concrete building and walked to the doors.

"Identification?" Came the bored voice of the receptionist. Severus passed over his ID and she examined it with scrutiny. "Who are you here to visit?"

"Tobias Snape." Severus' grimaced at the taste of the name on his tongue. The door to his right was unlocked and he was led through to a bare waiting room and ordered to wait. Worn out and broken sets of tables and chairs dotted the room, filling it with an even more uninviting feeling.

A handcuffed man was led in then and Severus barely recognized him. Thin strands of graying hair hung in the man's gaunt face. The man who had once been overweight was now covered in stretched, hanging skin. Nearly every bone in his body was visible. The sight was almost pleasing to Severus. After everything Tobias had done to Severus and his Mum, the sight of him in such shape was satisfying.

Tobias sat heavily in the seat across from Severus and stared up at him. "You've grown." He said nonchalantly.

"That does tend to happen when you lose your son as a teenager." Severus' sneered.

"What took you so long to visit your old man?"

"The fact that you murdered mum."

Severus was surprised to see a flicker of regret and guilt in his father's face. "Look, 'leen-"

"I don't want to hear it, Toby. After all these years you still can't say anything but excuses?"

"Severus, my boy, I made a mistake, I see that now."

Severus shook his head, unwilling to let the man under his skin "It's too late. She's gone because of you."

"Why are you here?" Tobias grew cold and distant again.

"I don't know." Severus admitted. "I just needed to see for myself that you were here. I need to move on from what you've done to me."

"Severus, I-"

Severus held his hand up to stop him. "It's too late for apologies. I'm covered in your mistakes and I'm reminded of every punch, every burn, every single day."

"Your Mum, she was too good for me." Tobias shook his head. "She should have left and taken you far away. I see now how wrong I was. I'm dying, Severus."

Severus was taken aback then and didn't bother to fight back. Seeing the lack of resistance Tobias continued.

"They say it's liver failure." He smiled despite himself. "For years I drowned myself in alcohol and now I'm paying for every part of it." Tobias stood then and the guard in the corner watched apprehensively. "Don't come back, Severus. Let an old man die in peace." Without a goodbye, he returned to the guard. With a few exchanged words he was led back to his cell.

Severus' sat in the room alone, processing what had just happened. He felt slight remorse for the man that had been in front of him. It wasn't his father anymore, not the man he had known. He had become a completely different person in the past three years. He cleared his throat, wiping away any emotion and stood from the chair. Nothing would forgive the fact that his Mum was dead because of him. He trudged from the building with his hands in his pockets and his mind full of thoughts. Once outside of the building and out of sight he disapparated to the home he now shared with Lily.

He'd moved in only three days ago. At first, he'd been concerned that they were moving too fast. He'd been quick to agree to the suggestion but after some thought, he'd been unsure. He never voiced his concerns, afraid of upsetting her and ruining everything. That was his main concern, losing her again. He couldn't bare her leaving him a second time and he knew he wouldn't get a third chance. Thus far, however, things had been perfect. There was always someone there when he got home and more importantly, it was her. He relished in falling asleep beside her and the vanilla scent of her skin every night. Even the mundane parts of life were better with her.

He collapsed on the couch, reaching his afternoon exhaustion. He fought to keep his eyes open even when he heard the silky way she called his name. "Sev? Did I hear you come home?" Her voice grew louder as she approached the room.

"In here." He called back with a tired voice.

Seeing him on the couch and the weariness of his face she sat beside him. She ran her fingers through his hair in an attempt to soothe him. "How did it go."

"He doesn't have much time left. His liver finally betrayed him."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know." Severus replied heavily. "It was unusual, he was almost guilty."

"Do you feel better at all?"

"Only time will tell." His eyelids drooped and his body was filled with an unshakeable heaviness. Even the slightest movement seemed like so much work.

"Get some sleep."

He nodded and she stood from the couch with a kiss on his temple. He stretched out on the cushions and she conjured a blanket to cover him with. He dropped off almost instantly and she watched him sadly. He was so different from the boy she had known growing up. She saw the daily toll life took on him and how much effort everything was. He didn't often share with her how miserable he was and she tried not to ask him constantly but the stress was evident. He tried his best to ignore it all but more often than not his best wasn't enough. It seemed to have aged him and dark circles plagued his eyes. She noticed the small stomach that was beginning to protrude, something he'd never had before. She realized as she stood there, noticing all his imperfections, all his special needs that she loved him and all this mess did was make her love him more.

Xxxx

**A/N: Thank you all once again for the lovely reviews. It's so nice to see that followers of my other stories are enjoying this one too.**

**A special thanks to guest, "a new fan of your work". Your review means a lot and I'm glad you find my portrayal realistic, years of suffering and 30 diagnoses will do that to you sadly. I'm sorry you have to suffer as well. I have zero interest in abandoning this story or any of my others. I hate abandoned stories and it's important to me to finish all of what I've started. Thanks again.**


	6. Waves

**Waves - Dean Lewis**

Xxxx

"The interview is to take place on the third of December." Severus spoke from his kneeled position in front of the Dark Lord.

"How did you get this information?" Voldemort demanded.

"He spoke about it openly, my Lord."

"It seems he doesn't believe the information will be passed on."

"No, he places his trust in the wrong people. He believes he sees good in everyone."

Voldemort shook his head with a malicious smile. "What else did you bring me?"

"The potion you requested, my Lord."

Voldemort raised a nonexistent eyebrow at him.

"I brought the instructions as well as a few vials."

"Smart boy, others would do well to assist me like you."

"Yes, my Lord. If I may only reach into my robes and grab it."

"Permission granted."

Severus slowly placed his hand into the pocket of his overcoat. It was like he was negotiating with a terrorist. He withdrew several small, amber vials and a rolled up parchment and placed them on the ground in front of him.

"You! Grab it." Voldemort instructed to someone Severus couldn't see. He took no chances. If Severus had somehow rigged the potion to explode or otherwise cause bodily harm it was best, in Voldemort's mind, that someone else took the hit. Severus heard heavy footfalls towards him and saw one of the newer recruits, someone more expendable, coming to collect the vials. Alecto, he believed her name was. "Place them in the hospital." The Dark Lord instructed and the woman took her leave.

"You may go." Voldemort instructed with a swish of his cloak. Severus waited for him to exit before standing and going to collect his wand from the guard. He disapparated back to the castle.

It was the first of December and white gray clouds hung overhead, threatening to drop heavy flakes of snow on them all. Severus bundled himself deeper into his overcoat as he trudged across the ground. A stiff ache plagued his joints from the impending storm and he silently wished the end of the day would come quickly and he could leave Scotland.

It was still the middle of the school day, he had left during lunch time which was now nearly over. Slughorn had come down with something and had left Severus in charge. He turned to the dungeons potions room and await the arrival of the next class. A mixed scent of mildew and a draught of death lingered in the air, giving him a nauseous feeling in the pit of his stomach. The Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw O.W.L. class was next and was full of mixed opinions. There were several students with an intense desire to move on in potions, continuing to the N.E.W.T level. The remainder of the class were students who simply didn't care. They'd pushed through the subject for five years and were now disinterested in learning any more. Severus found that the fifth year class slacked the most, figuring there was no point in trying any longer. His patience was already worn thin from dealing with the previous two classes and Lord Voldemort all in the same day.

Students began to file in and take their seats. They chatted amongst themselves about the latest gossip of the school, who was dating who and "Oh my gosh! Did you hear about Tabatha?" Severus rolled his eyes. Even as a young teenager himself he'd found the chatter insufferable. At that thought, he remembered he was technically still a teenager and shivered in disgust.

"Mouths closed, eyes up front." Severus spoke coldly as the last students entered and flicked the door shut with his wand. The whispers died down as every head turned to look at him. With another wave of his wand the instructions appeared on the board.

"We'll be continuing to work on Golpalott's third law." A collective groan filled the room and Severus grimaced. "Come collect a potion from the front and begin."

The teenagers grudgingly filed to the front of the room and anxiously searched for a potion they might recognize. Severus watched nearly every one of them struggle as they tried to figure out what to do. They'd gone over the theory of Golpalott's third law earlier in the week but judging on the papers that had been submitted very few had actually understood the assignment. The rest of the class had simply regurgitated it. He smiled slightly to himself as he watched them grapple with the assignment. It was their own fault, really.

The class passed by slowly as Severus watched from the desk. Students stood up, examining the rack of supplies, finding something that might work. Seeing what one girl had grabbed from the stores, Severus stood suddenly and approached her. "Miss Greenhand, are you intending to poison the classroom? The purpose of this assignment is quite the opposite." He towered over her as she sat down nervously.

"N-no, sir."

"Then I suggest you don't use 'Deadlyius'. It's danger is in it's name after all." He plucked the poisonous mushroom from her hands and her face grew bright red in embarrassment. He returned the mushroom to it's correct location and watched cautiously for any other potential disasters. The students eyed him warily from then on. He'd attended school with them, they'd been third years at the time. While many of them remembered who he was, no doubt from the infamous incident with James, they seemed to be afraid of him. Slughorn never talked to the students like Severus just had but in his opinion, that was why they did so horrible on the assignments and paying attention. Slughorn needed to show them who was boss.

The class continued without a hitch and when the bell sounded he practically ran out the door with them. Locking the classroom behind him he continued to the office and collected his things. His achiness had increased since arriving back at Hogwarts and so it was no surprise when Severus exited the castle that fat white flakes drifted down from the sky. He didn't need to listen to the weatherman, his body was much better at predictions. Strolling the hills of the grounds he made it to the gate and disapparated home.

He arrived alone, Lily having to work a later shift. He'd been there several weeks now and this was the first time she hadn't been waiting for him. It was a weird turn of events, one he hadn't missed. While the house was too quiet, the change in weather outside and higher barometric pressure reduced some of his pain. Still, he made it upstairs and fell in a heap onto the bed.

Xxxx

Lily arrived home after seven o'clock. Kicking her shoes off at the door she noticed the unusual stillness of the house she knew to be inhabited. "Sev?" She called tentatively, peeking through each doorway. She climbed the stairs and found him then. He was buried in a cocoon of sleepy warmth. Lines marred his face from being pressed into the wrinkles of the sheets. His mouth hung open on the pillow with a thin line of drool rolling out.

She quietly slipped from her work clothes and into simple jeans and a sweater. With the rubber band between her teeth, she pulled her red curls into a ponytail. She dragged a pair of comfortable shoes from the closet and stepped inside. Stepping over to the bed again she brushed hair from his face and kissed him on the forehead. Lily quietly left the room and returned to the kitchen where she jotted down a quick note and disapparated.

Lily arrived in an alleyway she knew wasn't too far from the house. The neighborhood was impeccable with rows upon rows of identical red brick houses and flawless, flowered gardens. Walking down Privet drive she stopped in front of number four. The only distinguishing feature separating this house from the others was the gold number 4 hanging above the doorway. She shook her head. Her sister never liked to be anything different. She knocked on the unblemished white door.

Petunia opened it a moment later. Her blonde hair was held in a tight bun, not a single hair was out of place. Her makeup had been expertly applied and her dress was wrinkle free behind a light pink apron. Lily suddenly felt grungy in comparison. Petunia peeked around her with a sour expression, lips pursed. "Where's your insufferable boyfriend?" She asked cuttingly.

"It's just me, Tune. Can I come in?"

Petunia looked her up and down. "I thought the muggle life wasn't good enough for you." A voice from inside called Petunia.

Lily smiled softly. "You know that isn't true."

"Come in then, we don't want the neighbors asking questions."

Lily did as she was told, scurrying inside for Petunia to close the door.

"Petunia! I asked who was here?" The booming voice of Vernon Dursley traveled down the hall, growing closer.

"No one, dear." She plastered on a fake smile. "Just Lily."

The immense frame of Vernon lumbered through the door, he'd gotten even larger, if that was even possible. Having Petunia by his side to constantly cook for him had done a number on his waistline. He glared at Lily who smiled back shyly.

"You, what do you want?"

"I just came to see my sister." She gestured to Petunia as if it wasn't obvious.

Lily noticed the glance Petunia made towards Lily hand. Lily absentmindedly rubbed the bare fingers. "I see he hasn't put a ring on it."

"No, he…" She glanced up at Vernon who had folded his arm across his chest then down at the floor, feeling like a school girl again. "…he died."

Silence permeated the room and Lily looked up again. Petunia's brows were furrowed and she lifted her hand momentarily to put it on Lily's shoulders before placing it back at her side. "I'm sorry, Lily."

Vernon huffed and left the room with an annoyed shake of the head.

"When did it happen?"

"Last year." The two women sat together.

"Was it those men? That group you told me about?"

Lily nodded her head. "He never had a chance."

"When did it happen?"

"Last fall."

Petunia looked almost hurt that Lily hadn't told her. "Where are you staying now?"

"I moved from our apartment in London back to Cokeworth about two months ago."

"How is it? I haven't been back there in years."

Lily smiled slightly. "As terrible as ever."

...

Petunia bit her lip, looking into Lily's eyes. "I'm pregnant, Lily- we just found out."

"Oh! Tuney! Congratulations!"

Petunia straightened proudly and smiled. "I'm glad you stopped by." She spoke quietly, Lily assumed it was so Vernon wouldn't hear.

"Yeah…me too." She smiled back and stood. "I better get back to- head back home. Have a good evening."

Petunia walked her to the door and they shared a small wave. Setting off in the cold winter air and unwilling to walk clear back to the alleyway, Lily stepped to the side of the house. Quickly glancing around for passersby, she disapparated.

The smell of the beef stew was instantaneous as she arrived at home.

"Where have you been?" Severus spoke calmly but she could see the worry in his eyes.

"You were sleeping so I decided to visit Petunia." She sidled up next to him, helping him chop the remaining vegetables. She'd noticed over the past couple months that he preferred to do some things the muggle way. She hadn't broached the topic but secretly wondered every time she saw it

He wrinkled his nose in disgust at the mention of her sister's name but tried to hide it. "How was it?"

She shrugged. "I'm sure you remember Vernon from when we were kids."

"You mean to tell me she married that…that ungrateful  _lump_?"

"Unfortunately, yet my choice in James was insane to her."

Severus kept his mouth shut. For once he had agreed on something with Petunia. Instead, he dumped the vegetables in the pot and watched it boil.

"She's pregnant."

Severus noticed the hint of sadness in her voice as she said it, almost like jealousy, but he didn't press it.

"Well, I'm glad you came home safe. With the Dark Lord growing increasingly powerful it made me worry."

"What is he planning?"

"Nothing serious that I'm aware of right now. I had to visit him today to pass along some information."

She turned, raising an eyebrow at him. "Why didn't you tell me? What if you had been hurt?"

Severus shook his head. "It would have been very unlikely. He didn't call me, I went to him. I was providing useful information and resources."

She glanced at the mark on his arm, the tattoo now a red shade of raw skin. "Does it hurt? When he calls?"

Severus raised his eyes to the ceiling, chewing his lip in thought. "It depends how angry he is, and the reasoning behind it." He ladled a heaping amount of stew into two bowls. "Sometimes it's more of a nagging twinge and others it feels like a hot iron is being pressed to my skin."

Lily winced and wondered for the millionth time why he'd ever trusted Voldemort but she could never get a straight answer from him. Looking at her face he could see exactly what she was thinking, the loathing in her eyes as they walked to the table.

"It wasn't all black and white and you know. There isn't just a dark side and a light side."

"What do you mean?"

"Voldemort. There are a lot of sympathizers to his cause, people who understand what he strives for although they don't necessarily support it." She looked at him blankly and he continued. "How would you like to practice magic in public? To not have to apparate to a hidden location? To not have to hide who you truly are?"

"Of course I would like that, all of us would."

"That's exactly what the statue of secrecy exists to prevent. When we were in school the murmurs in Slytherin weren't just about mudbloods and a purging of impure blood but about eliminating the restraints society had put on us. That was what Voldemort claimed to stand for. He used that agenda to hide behind and as an excuse to recruit murderers. Many of the purebloods have never interacted with muggles and believed only what the Dark Lord told them, that they were dangerous."

"And what about you? Clearly, you've been around them."

"And look at the examples I have. Tobias beat Mum so badly she died, Petunia hated my very existence and constantly told me so, even your parents weren't necessarily excited by my presence. There was only ever you and you aren't a muggle...Before figuring out you were a witch I had no one. I dressed funny and wore clothes too big, I read strange books. Everyone kept their distance and so I let myself be blinded by him."

She mulled over what he had said before speaking again. "But what about Hogwarts? Why did you align yourself with dark wizards?"

Severus placed his spoon down, seemingly disinterested in the meal. "I know you loved James and I'll never understand it but I don't wish to alter your view of him."

"Severus, I think it's time we moved past that. He isn't coming back…"

Severus exhaled deeply, preparing himself for the impending storm. "Did you know, in third year when the Marauders got a hold of Levicorpus, they took my wand and hung me upside down in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom? I was found by a first year girl two hours later. Or when they used the Ventus jinx to send me down a flight of stairs? Even after you were dating, Lily, it never stopped."

"Sev, I-"

"Do you know about Remus?"

The comment surprised her. "T-that he's a werewolf? Yes, how did you?" Her brows knitted in confusion.

"I found out the end of sixth year when James and Sirius tricked me into going to the shrieking shack where he was transformed."

She stopped eating then, suddenly feeling sick to her stomach. "James bragged about saving your life for weeks."

"And he did, after nearly ending it. Do you know what would have happened to Remus had I been even injured?

"Best case scenario, he would have been kicked out of Hogwarts."

"Precisely, yet for some blasted reason he stuck by his friends."

"Where are you going with us?" She asked, feeling as though their conversation had turned more into a session to bad mouth James.

"The bullying from them started on the train, before we even got to Hogwarts."

"Because you wanted to be in Slytherin."

"No, because I was with  _you._  What other Slytherin did you ever see them pick on?"

"…No one…"

"Lils, I was terrified to be a snake but I knew with Mum being a Slytherin that it was inevitable. Yet that first night at Hogwarts I felt more welcome than I had anywhere else. They treated me like a human being-"

"While the light treated you like tommyrot." She was near tears now. "Severus, I'm-"

He reached across the table, placing his hand on her cheek. "You aren't responsible for apologizing for the things he did. I know now that his intentions were good and I know that he loved you like I do."

She nodded against the skin of his palm, a frog in her throat.

"Come here."

Her chair scraped against the tile floor as she pushed it back and made his way to him. She sat in his lap, on his good leg, and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her close.

Xxxx

She feigned sleep that night, waiting to hear his quiet snores. They finally came nearly two hours after they'd retired for the night. She turned over tentatively, seeing if the movement would wake him. When she was sure he was asleep she careful stood from the bed and crept from the room, latching the door behind her. She took soft footsteps towards the room that had been Tuney's and entered. Cardboard boxes filled the room still and she approached the closest one, unfolding the top. Seeing that it was full of robes she moved onto the next, slowly emptying every box until robes, school books, Quidditch supplies, and anything else that had belonged to James littered the floor. Some of the things even smelled like him still, the musky scent of broom polish. Finding a snitch in one of the boxes she wrapped her fingers around the golden ball and small wings unfurled. Letting it go she watched it flutter around the room before catching it, like James used to, and replacing it in it's holder.

In another box, she found the things they had shared. She flipped through the few photos of them together, dancing in front of a fountain in London, at an Order meeting after they first joined, attending a Chudley Cannons game. There, buried beneath the photos was the black velvet box. She opened it, looking at the gold, diamond ring inside. She didn't know he'd been planning to propose until after his death, until after she'd stumbled across the box. Sirius had confirmed her suspicions and she'd broken down in his arms. Now every part of it felt tainted. She would have said yes a year ago, if he'd asked. Nausea took over her again, she felt that she'd never really known the man at all. He'd kept so much of it a secret from her, he'd even lied about antagonizing Severus and even worse, she'd believed him.

Xxxx

Light streaming into the room from the hallway had woken him. Seeing Lily's side of the bed was empty he went off in search of her. He noticed the door to Petunia's room was cracked open and he peeked inside. The floor was littered with red and gold from Gryffindor uniforms and quidditch supplies. In the mix was a hideous, crushed velvet, lump of fabric. It was dark purple, almost black, and littered with gold embellishments. He sneered at the hideousness and looked up to see what Lily was doing. Even from here he could see the tears that stained her face and the way they glinted in the light from her wand. In her hands was a small black box. It hit him what it was and he felt a mix of emotions come over him, anger, disappointment, jealousy. What hurt the most was that she actually missed Potter.


	7. Not Today

**Not Today - Imagine Dragons**

Xxxx

_**December 24th, 1979** _

"Are you sure you don't want me to stay? I can meet with Dumbledore another day."

"Really, Sev, I'm fine. I just need some sleep." She looked up at him wearily as she clutched the bowl she'd been throwing up in all night. "You know muggleborns are more susceptible to muggle illnesses than other bloods. Besides, a couple of girls at work are sick. It's just going around."

"If you insist." He pressed a kiss to her forehead. "You know where to find me." Having already prepared for the meeting he stared sadly back at her as her eyelids closed in misery. He disapparated, leaving her behind and arriving at Hogwarts. Pure white snow blanketed the ground now, hiding any imperfection. The grounds were dotted with snowmen and snow angels. The students had been excited to have a new activity and quickly left their mark. Shivering slightly, Severus entered the castle where he found Dumbledore waiting for him, looking grave.

"Walk me with Severus, we have business to discuss."

Severus followed him, knowing full well Dumbledore wanted to discuss the interview of the previous day. The walk to his office was full of discussion about the potions class for sake of appearances. Although winter break had begun the previous day, some students still lingered in the halls. "The Egyptian beetles you ordered will be here after the new year. Do you think Slughorn will have enough valerian root for the rest of the year?"

Severus nodded along, joining in the fake discussion. When the doors of Dumbledore's office shut behind the two men the real conversation began.

"We have a problem, Severus. It seems Ms. Trelawney isn't a sham after all."

"Sir?" Severus asked worriedly.

Dumbledore sighed heavily as he paced the room. "Halfway through the interview, she made a prediction."

"Isn't that good? It means the class can continue."

"It spoke of the downfall of Lord Voldemort."

Severus let fear overtake him, preparing to show this memory to his Dark Lord. "I don't understand, Sir, what's the problem?"

"While she was in her trance a spy was caught listening at the door. He was caught and tossed from the building but I don't know what he heard."

"And he will relay it to the Dark- to You-Know-Who."

Dumbledore nodded as Severus' put together the pieces."

"What did the prophecy say?"

"It mentioned a boy, born at the end of July."

Severus laughed out loud, Voldemort would appreciate him finding the idea of being bested by a child ridiculous. "Voldemort is one of the greatest wizards to ever live. She expects him to be defeated by an infant?"

"Apparently so."

"It's only December. The woman would be barely pregnant. She may not even know yet."

"Even so, we'll have to track them down, keep them safe."

"Do what you must but he will never be defeated so easily." Severus walked from the room, a smile playing on his lips. He shut the door once more and left out a small chuckle before composing himself and returning to the office.

"Will that suffice?" Dumbledore asked about the preparation Severus had just made.

"I believe the amount of information will satisfy him. Any more and he'll grow suspicious of your sudden trust in me."

"When do you think he'll call?"

Severus absentmindedly glanced at his arm, where the mark was hidden. "Any time, I predict before the day is through. Do you have any clue who the prophecy could be speaking of?"

"I don't keep tabs on the pregnancy announcements, Severus. At the moment, no. I hope Voldemort is in the dark as well. I suggest you tell me if he mentions any suspicions."

"Of course, Sir." Severus said, appalled Dumbledore would think otherwise.

"And Severus? Enjoy the break."

Severus was unnerved by the knowing gleam in his eye.

Xxxx

It was just after apparating home that Severus felt the burning begin. It was painful but more like a "come when you can" rather than an insistent force. It was calls like these that the mask wasn't necessary and Severus disapparated. He arrived on a backstreet near the industrial building. Making his way to the door he noticed the lack of other Death Eaters. He entered the building and found he was utterly alone. Even the usual guard and building employees were missing. Lighting his wand Severus made his way to the interrogation room where he found Lord Voldemort waiting for him. Canceling the spell, he unwillingly left his wand by the door and stepped towards Voldemort unarmed.

"My, Lord? Where is everyone?"

"We do not need unnecessary listeners. The Headmaster told you of the prophecy no doubt?"

"Only what was overheard. I offer you the memory." Severus knelt on the stone before him, unwilling to fall upon it again.

The Dark Lord drilled into his mind in search of it, Severus had been prepared. He offered up the conversation that had just taken place, the information about Voldemort impending downfall."

"Your faith in me is admirable." The Dark Lord smirked when he ended the legillimency connection.

"Of course, my Lord. There is no one as great as you."

"You will come to me if you learn any more information."

"I wouldn't dream of doing anything else…my Lord, who was the spy?"

Voldemort's eyes flashed with anger. "That isn't any of your concern."

"I apologize, My Lord. Curiously got the best of me."

"I suggest you leave before making an even bigger fool of yourself."

"Of course, my Lord." Severus noticed Voldemort was fingering his wand, contemplating. Severus bowed his head in a sign of goodbye and forced himself off the ground and from the room. Anxious to be home with his girlfriend he hurried from the building and disapparated.

He arrived in the lower level of the house, afraid the sound of his apparition would wake her should he have gone directly into the bedroom. The house was perfectly quiet and he imagined she was still sleeping. He walked slowly, the pace being easier for him. The bedroom door was cracked open and he pushed it in, cursing the squeak it made.

Lily sat on the edge of the bed, barf bowling laying behind her, forgotten. She stared blankly at the wall, almost shell-shocked. Severus' blood ran cold in his veins at the look on her face. "What's wrong?"

She looked up then, as if she hadn't even noticed him come in. He sat down beside her, urging her to force the words out. "I'm not sick…I'm pregnant." She said finally.

The cold in his veins turned to ice. "When? How long?"

"Three weeks."

Severus' words from earlier echoed in his mind  _the woman would be barely pregnant. No, no, no, no, this couldn't be happening._  "And…you're sure?"

She looked at him dumbstruck. "Of course I'm sure, the spell doesn't lie."

Severus stood, pacing. He raked his fingers through his hair, placing them on the back of his head. It'd have to be a secret, that was for sure. "What do you want to do?"

"Keep it of course!" She looked horrified. "Sev, it's not that big of a deal. I just need to get used to the idea."

"No, Lily, it is." He'd tried to hide everything from her that had to do with his spy activity and working for Voldemort. He did it to keep her safe and had never thought he'd have to share the prophecy with her. "The interview Dumbledore had yesterday was for divination. He thought nothing would come of it and instructed me to tell the Dark Lord. I did and a Death Eater was sent to spy on them. The only thing Dumbledore didn't foresee was the interviewee making an actual prediction."

"What does this have to do with the baby?"

"The prophecy she made says a boy born at the end of July will be the one to defeat Voldemort."

She tried to hide the way her hands shook from fear, holding them in her lap. "It may not even be about us." She said, trying to convince herself just as much. "What if it's a girl? It's due in late August."

"It doesn't matter. We need to stay safe, to hide. We need to leave Cokeworth."

"I thought you said it was best for our relationship to be a secret? How suspicious will it be if we both move out of Cokeworth at the same time? Especially to the wizarding world."

"We won't." Severus said, thinking on the spot. "We should sell this place but keep mine. Voldemort will be furious if I keep my location from him. He must believe that I still live on Spinner's End."

"We can't do it immediately. If I disappear from view the day after this prophecy is made we're in trouble. Voldemort will be watching everyone carefully."

"You're right…we'll continue as normal until you start to show. He smiled then which surprised her. "Until then we get to be excited."

She smiled back at him, butterflies in her stomach at the ecstatic look on his face. She'd been terrified at how he'd take the news. A slight weight was lifted from her shoulders and she didn't even bother to fight the glee she was feeling now.

"Do you miss James?" He asked suddenly as he sat down beside her.

"I…I don't know." She looked away from him and down at her fingernails. "I don't love him anymore if that's what you mean."

"Are you sure?"

She stared at him as if it was obvious. "Of course I'm sure."

"I saw you the other night, looking through his things…"

"Oh, Sev. It wasn't like that. I just had a lot on my mind after our conversation, the things you told me about him. It makes me wonder if I  _ever_  really knew him."

"You were going to marry him." It was more of a statement that a question but he still wanted her to deny it.

She gave him a sad smile. "It doesn't matter now and this isn't just about us anymore." She drew his hand onto her stomach and they both smiled at one another.

Her face grew crestfallen again. "What are we going to do?" Is this baby going to live it's whole life in hiding?"

He shook his head. "We can't think like that. No matter what this baby is yours but no one else will know it's mine. We'll have to beg Merlin it doesn't look too much like me. Besides, After the Dark Lord has a target I don't think we'll have to worry as much."

"Sev, you said it's about a baby. I think we'll have to wait for that baby to grow up before he defeats Voldemort."

He pulled her into his lap, cradling her like a child. "Everything will work out." He pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

"I love you, Severus Snape."

"I love you more, Lily Evans." He pressed the tip of his nose to hers in an Eskimo kiss.

Xxxx

The break was over too quickly, on January 2nd Severus had to return to Hogwarts. Slughorn wasn't happy to see him.

"I thought I could trust you with my classes." He spoke as soon as Severus entered the office.

"You can, Sir." He replied bewildered.

Slughorn made a "hrmph" noise in disbelief. "Several students spoke to me over the break about your brusque manner."

Severus rolled his eyes. "Did they also tell you that Greenhand tried to combine Deadlyius with antimony? Without me, you wouldn't have had a class, or an assistant for that matter to come back to."

"It better not happen again, Snape."

"With all due respect, Sir, if you would just be tougher on them-"

"When you're a teacher that is your decision. Right now you are under me and you will do as I say."

Severus glowered at him, unhappy to be scolded like a schoolboy. "Yes, Sir."

Severus grumbled to himself throughout the remainder of the day. He hated this job, especially working for Slughorn but he had signed his life away to Voldemort, his decisions weren't his own anymore. Despite the circumstances, the prophecy provided a glimmer of hope, that Voldemort's downfall would be happening eventually. Severus hoped it was sooner rather than later. That was one of the only lights in the dark.

He was terrified to be a dad. It wasn't something he'd ever planned on happening but they'd gotten careless and forgot to use the spell. He didn't even know how he would parent a child, his own had been less than spectacular, to say the least. Then there was the fear of how his body would handle it, how could he chase after a child when most days he could barely walk? How would he care for a baby on the days he couldn't even get out of bed? Eventually Lily would need more of his help before the baby came and he honestly didn't know how he would do it. Right now he was constantly needing her help. He rolled his neck. Now there was this new, widespread pain that he didn't know how to explain. It had started suddenly a few days after Christmas and hadn't left since.

The bell sounded suddenly, startling him from his thoughts. His stomach grumbled, he hadn't realized how hungry he'd gotten with his mind preoccupied. Students streamed from the room, anxiously awaiting lunch.

"Severus?" Slughorn approached him. "Is something bothering you?"

Severus tried, and failed to smile back. The light never reaching his eyes. "No, Sir. I'm fine."

Slughorn looked him up and down, clearly not believing him. "Why don't you join us for lunch today? All the students already know you exist."

Severus hesitated and his stomach growled again. "Okay." He finally decided, grateful for the invite. He followed Slughorn from the room and locked the door behind them with his wand. He and Horace made their way to the grateful at an insufferably slow pace. Entering through the Hall's great oak doors the sound of chatter was instantaneous. Conversations came from every direction and Severus found himself wishing he hadn't come. Nevertheless, he was urged forward to the teacher's table. Severus fought not to blush, feeling as though all eyes were on him when in reality no one really cared.

Severus was surprised when the chair next to Dumbledore was pulled out for him and he awkwardly sat down. He was reaching across the table to fill his plate when a whisper came from his left.

"Slughorn is concerned."

"I'm not a child." Severus snapped back.

Dumbledore raised his eyebrow. "It seems he has a reason to be."

"Can we not do this here?"

"But why? I thought you were fine?" Dumbledore smirked.

"Let's just say the break was busy." Severus cleared his throat. "I actually want to speak to you today regarding the" Severus checked for eavesdroppers. "prediction."

"More information I presume?"

"Not exactly, more like a potential target."

"Does he know?"

"No, and we'd prefer to keep it that way."

Dumbledore gave him a knowing look. "We?" He smiled slightly, egging Severus on.

"Yes. Don't deny you've had your suspicions."

"Does this mean she's?"

"Yes." Severus gave him a fearful stare.

"You always were one to get yourself in trouble."

"Does this mean you'll help?"

"You have my word."


	8. Heavy

**Heavy - Linkin Park**

Xxxx

It was there before he even opened his eyes, the feeling of overwhelming dread that pinned him down. The feeling that though he was here, though he was alive, he was watching his own life pass by him through the eyes of others. And even though the love of his life laid beside him, he was utterly alone. The pressure numbed his body and made him feel like he was stuck in a dream-like state, desperate to wake up but that feeling would never come. He stared unblinkingly up at the ceiling, counting the cracks in the stucco. Was this all he'd ever have? Waking up to this same cracked and faded world day after day?

He thought back to when he was younger. Although things had never been good for him it had been different and what he could use right now was a change. He missed the simpler times of chasing after Lily through the park or studying potions together. He found himself even missing the people who had made his life hell, the boys he had shared his Hogwarts dorm room with. He wondered now how he could have, how he should have done things differently. Maybe then he wouldn't be here right now. Maybe he would have been better off killing Remus. He remembered staring down into his hazel eyes that had been overcome with fear, the hopelessness that had filled them. No, that wasn't true. That split second decision had irrevocably changed his life. The only true way Severus could have prevented all this was to never become a Death Eater in the first place.

He'd had dreams as a young boy. He'd wanted to be great, to do things, to change the world. Those had been quickly snuffed out and now at only 20 years old, he had more regrets than most senior citizens. Every movement he made was a reminder of what a failure he was. What little life he'd had left had been snatched from him with his injury. His freedom had been torn away and now he was trapped in a body that hated him and surrounded by no one.

Sure, Lily was there. She was always the first thing he saw each morning and last thing each night but even she didn't understand it. Although she tried to hide it he could see the frustration in her face when he couldn't do certain things. Asking for help was already shameful for him. She didn't understand how frustrated he was with himself that he had to rely on her for so many things. He'd never been one for physical activity, having been happier with mental stimulation, but now as he saw joggers in the mornings and people riding downtown on their bikes he was filled with a sense of insatiable jealousy.

Not every day was hard like today but the bad days seemed to be coming more and more. They brought this unshakeable feeling of despair that was only tamed by dreamless sleep. He had the desire within him to do everything and the ability to do none of it.

Xxxx

Lily had woken and turned to face Severus. Her eyelids were still heavy with sleep and she tried to blink it away in the pale morning light. The warm blankets threatened to suck her back down but the look on his face kept her afloat. His mouth was pressed into a hard line and his forehead was wrinkled in contemplation. He found the ceiling far more interesting than a ceiling ever should be. His eyes were unfocused, covered in a haze of thoughts and his jaw was set. His chest rose and fell only slightly as he took in shallow breaths.

She propped herself up on her elbow, letting a section of curls fall across her shoulder. "What's wrong?" She spoke softly and reached out to lay her freckled hand on his bare chest.

He turned to look at her, almost startled. "Nothing, I'm fine." The smile he gave was tight and insincere.

She absentmindedly ran strands of chest hair between her fingers. "Your shoulders, you're hurting again, aren't you?"

"Again isn't the best word to use."

She frowned deeply. "You need to get this looked at, to-"

"No." He snapped at her and she drew back. "It'll be fine."

She could feel him pulling away from her, becoming a shell of who he used to be. She wanted the shake him, to draw out the Severus she knew before he was lost completely. "What's on your mind?"

"I'm just still trying to wake up."

"Can you just talk to me? What's going on with you?" She instantly felt sorry for the tone she used with him. "Sev, you can't keep pretending things are okay."

He sighed heavily. "I just…I don't really know how to explain it."

"Is it me?" She asked, afraid for the answer. "The baby?" She added even quieter.

He rolled off his back to his side, looking at her for the first time. He placed his palm on her arm and rubbed it comfortingly. "I'm not going anywhere if that's what you're afraid of."

It was part of it. "You didn't answer my question. I thought you were excited about this?"

"I was- I am. I just don't know how I'm going to do it."

"I don't either, we'll figure it out." She forced a smile, hoping he'd return it.

"It's not that. You'll be a great Mum."

"Then what is it?" She reached out to intertwine her fingers with his.

He brushed a hand through her hair, buying himself time.

"It's a loss I don't think you'll ever understand. I hope you never have to. Do you know what it's like to be in anguish before you even wake up, to have everything taken from you? It would have been different if all of this had been my decision but I would never have picked this…"

"I don't understand why you don't just take a potion? Or go to St. Mungo's."

"Because…it takes away control. It feels like I'm giving in, like I'm admitting that I'm weak and incapable of being normal. The relief is only temporary when I do get it."

"But you can't just live like this either."

"And we've come full circle."

She opened her mouth to speak again when she heard the unmistakable sound of someone apparating. Jumping from the bed, she raced to pull back the curtain.

"Blast."

"Who is it?" Severus asked, scrambling out of the bed after her.

"It's Sirius. You need to go." She stuffed a set of robes into his arms.

"What's he doing here?" Severus hissed.

"Beats me." She looked at him and hesitated. "I've sort of become friends with him, especially after losing James. I haven't seen him since before I moved though."

She saw darkness cross over his face but he said nothing. A knock sounded at the door and she threw on a shirt.

"Where's my leg?" Severus asked, looking under a mass of dirty laundry.

"I think you left it in the bathroom after our shower. I can just accio it." She moved to pick up her wand.

"No! I got it. Just answer the door, I'll hurry."

She frowned, annoyed at his desire to do things himself but did as he said. She took the stairs as he hobbled to the bathroom. The knock came again and she pulled the door open, listening for Severus to disapparate upstairs.

"Sirius!" She plastered on a large smile. "What are you doing here?"

"Can't come see my mate's girl?" He reached his arms out for a hug and her smile faltered.

"I'm not his girl anymore." She said as she reciprocated the gesture.

Sirius glanced around the muggle home and invited himself inside, clearly intrigued. "This is where you grew up then, huh?"

She smiled again. "More or less."

"You enjoy being back here?"

She shrugged. "I'm planning on selling and finding something else. This place is just too big for me."

He wrinkled his nose. "Can't say I blame you. What is that smell?"

Lily laughed. "The river, it always smells like that."

He shuddered. "Hey now, what's that on your neck?"

Her hand instantly shot up to cover the line of hickeys peaking out of her collar. Memories of the night before filled her mind, how Severus had pleasured her under the sprinkling water of the shower head. "It's nothing." She blushed. At the look on Sirius' face, her hand dropped back down. "It's been over a year, Sirius, I'm allowed to move on."

"Who's the tosser?"

"Just an old friend, someone I knew when I was younger."

"Don't go getting knocked up." He joked, smiling at her.

She gave a mirthless laugh. Sirius' face grew serious again.

"When are you coming back to the Order? We need you."

"I- I don't know if I ever will." She spoke honestly, what if she were killed like James and so many others? She couldn't leave a child behind, especially when it's father was a Death Eater.

Sirius frowned but nodded his head. "Right, I get it. I just can't stand around doing nothing while You-Know-Who is out there killing people."

"Sirius, are you handling everything okay? Since, you know…"

"Yeah, yeah." He tried to reassure her. "Remus and I are still fighting, there's a meeting tonight if you want to come?"

"You and Remus? What about Peter?"

Sirius shrugged. "Dunno, no one's seen him for about six months. It's like he just disappeared."

Lily noticed that Sirius didn't seem overly sad about that news, he'd never particularly liked Peter. "Maybe I will come." It would be a good opportunity for her to talk to Dumbledore. "Look, I'd love for you to stay but I need to get ready for work." She lied, anxious to leave. She hadn't heard Severus leave and she was terrified Sirius would find out.

"Right, of course. Let me know when you move, will you?"

She agreed, knowing she never would. It simply wasn't safe. She waved as Sirius disapparated and ran up the stairs. She shoved the bedroom door open. "What the hell are you still doing here?" She said angrily. "What if he'd come upstairs?"

"I wasn't aware you were planning on bringing him to the bedroom." Severus spoke with a raised eyebrow. "You better not let that tosser get you pregnant."

She couldn't help but chuckle and slapped his arm playfully. "Fine, but don't be so stupid next time." She was surprised to see him smile, seemingly shaken from the mood of earlier. "I think Petunia should know." Her voice was sober again. "What if something happens to us? Besides, we can't just sell the house when it belongs to her too."

Severus sighed but he understood. He'd been waiting for this moment to come. "When do you want to see her?"

Lily bit her lip "…now?"

"Okay, might as well get it over with then."

"Sev, do you mind doing something with your hair?"

"What do you mean?" His eyes narrowed.

"Just shorten it for our visit, please? You know Vernon."

"Unfortunately I do."

"And muggle clothes."

"Why don't you go by yourself?"

"I want you there, this is your news too." She watched him hungrily as he undressed again and pulled on jeans and an old shirt. With a spell to change his appearance, she watched the shoulder length hair shrink to something just above his ears.

"Better?"

"No, I liked you the way you were." She grinned. "But thank you."

Lily grabbed his hand and they side along apparated to a hidden space close to Petunia's. She dropped his hand quickly and walked at a brisk pace. She was afraid someone would see him and know who he was. She wasn't going to make the situation worse by holding his hand. Arriving at the same house she had visited only two months before, she knocked urgently. Petunia pulled it open in a similar get up as before with clothes hidden behind an apron.

"Lily?" She asked, surprised for a second visit so soon after the first.

"We need to talk to you."

"We?" Petunia began to ask before her question was answered by Lily forcing her way in, followed shortly by a man who seemed all too familiar. "What's going on?" She asked, shutting the door.

Lily glanced at Severus and back to her sister. "Tuney? You remember Severus, I'm sure?"

Petunia frowned as the man's identity became clear. "Yes, thank you so much for bringing him here." She sneered. "I see you finally did something with your hair." She aimed at him.

Lily looked again at Severus for support who seemed to already be seething. "What did you want to do with Mum and Dad's house?"

"Um, I thought you were living in it?"

"Not for much longer. I didn't want to sell it out from under you."

"I have no intention of ever returning to Cokeworth. Do what you want."

Lily sat down uninvited. She was thankful Vernon didn't seem to be around. She looked down at her hands. Her fingernails had been chewed to nubs from all the stress lately. It was a habit she hadn't done since she was a kid. The news was heavy on her tongue and she was suddenly unwilling to spit it out.

"We're having a baby." Severus blurted, surprising both Lily and Petunia.

The disgust on Petunia's face was palpable. "You always did have an ungodly interest in my sister." Petunia spat.

Lily could see Severus was holding back, trying not to get angry with her. "Tuney!" Lily admonished. "We're adults, we can do what we want."

Petunia's huffed in disbelief. "What you want from us then? Money?"

Lily gaped at her. "No! We don't want anything. I just wanted you to be excited for us."

"First James and now him." Petunia shook her head. Lily was growing angrier. Petunia had no place to talk after the wreck she had married.

"Tuney…if something happens to us…" The mere thought of it was unbearable. "I want you to raise it."

"You know I'd have to discuss this with Vernon."

 _So in other words, no._  "Of course, I just wanted you to know…just in case." Lily stood then, anxious to get out of there. She grabbed Severus' hand again which seemed to be shaking with rage.

"How far are you then?" Petunia asked to everyone's surprise.

"9 weeks." The corners of Lily's lips turned up.

"Our kids will be close in age then."

"Yeah…I guess they will." It didn't matter, Vernon would never let his kid play with one that might potentially be magical. The condition may be contagious after all.

After a cold set of goodbyes, they disapparated again, straight from her sister's living room. Lily didn't even care how angry it must have made Petunia.

Lily burst into tears almost as soon as they arrived back home. Severus pulled her close and hot tears dotted his shirt, seeping through to his skin. "That could have gone better."

"It was stupid of me to think otherwise."

"Lils, this has nothing to do with you. It's me she hates."

She nodded against him. "It doesn't matter, I wish she could like you like I do."

Severus laughed. "Story of my life." They moved to the couch. Severus sat while Lily laid her head on his lap, looking up at him. He smoothed her hair in an attempt to calm her.

"You've changed you know."

"You just noticed?"

"No, that's not what I mean." She said between sniffles. "You aren't a kid anymore."

"Well, circumstances forced me to grow up."

"I'm so sorry- for everything, Sev."

"I am too but we're past that now."

"I could use some ice cream." She smirked. "Why don't we get out of here?"

"You know it's not that simple."

"You changed your appearance for Tuney, just a few modifications and no one would even know. We can even go somewhere muggle, please?" She looked up at him with puppy dog eyes he couldn't say no to.

"Okay, okay, we'll go but we can't do this all the time."

She almost squealed in delight, they had yet to go on a real date. She dried the remaining tears from her eyes. "You know, I always wondered what you'd look like blonde…"

He glared back at her. "Your wish is my command." His hair was turned into a sandy shade and his nose shrunk. By the time he was done he didn't look anything like himself, she found herself disappointed. "I like you better normal." She said with a kiss. "There's this place in London-"

"Too many wizards, we need something smaller."

"Lanby?" She suggested to which he agreed.

They arrived in a small, hillside town. Green valleys were visible all around in the cold January sun that beat down on them. She wrapped her fingers into his. She was thrilled to be able to go out with him in public, to make her love known. Even if he didn't look like himself she knew who he really was under all that. Their shoes slapped the cobbled ground as they walked from an alleyway and down a nearby street in search of a parlor. They walked past old stone shops selling everything imaginable. Horns honked as cars drove by and people called to one another. It was a wonderful feeling to be out in public, with people who didn't know the world was falling apart. For the first time in a long time, things felt like they were normal.

Up ahead Lily spotted a sign of a bowl adorned with ice cream scoops. They arrived at the door and she pulled him inside. They joined the line, waiting for their turn to order. The building was painted a light yellow and adorned with pictures of desserts. The smell of freshly baked waffle cones lingered in the air, intensifying her cravings. They reached the counter and she ordered three scoops of mint chocolate chip while Severus' ordered one scoop of plain chocolate. Collecting their food they found a booth in the back and sat next to one another.

"You didn't get very much." She pointed out with a frown.

"You're the one eating for two, not me."

"Don't try and eat mine when you finish yours." She hid her bowl from him jokingly. Taking her spoon she rubbed it on his nose, leaving a mint green dollop in it's place. In retaliation he leaned into her, rubbing his nose across her cheek to which she screeched and tried to push him away. He grabbed her, pulling her near. His lips drew near hers when suddenly he snatched her bowl away from her. He hoarded the ice cream and she fought to pull hers back while laughing uncontrollably. It wasn't until they noticed all eyes were on them that he gave it back with a blush. She smirked at him, trying to suppress a giggle at his embarrassment. "I guess I was wrong when I said you grew up."

"You just make me happy is all." He smiled warmly and she couldn't resist. She reached up, placing a hand on his cheek and closed the distance between them.

"What did I ever do to deserve you?"

The thoughts he'd had that morning now felt so far away, so childish. With her smiling beside him he wondered how he could ever feel that way. It seemed the change he had been wishing for had come. Maybe it was dumb of them to be where they could be seen together, but it was something he had desperately needed and with the look on her face now he knew she was feeling the same thing. Emotions had been running extra high with the stress of the last couple months but at this moment everything felt easy.


	9. Hold On

**Hold On - Chord Overstreet**

Xxxx

**Trigger warning: Self Harm**

The energetic Labrador patronus came bounding through their house that night after they'd returned home.

"It's Sirius." She explained due to the curious look Severus gave her. "I told him I'd go to an Order meeting tonight."

"I thought you were done fighting?" There was a sense of skeptic irritation in his voice.

"I am, I want to talk to Dumbledore."

"I doubt he'll tell you anything more."

Lily sighed. "Sev, don't make a big deal out of this. I'm allowed to leave the house and have friends."

A look of surprise crossed his features, it was like he'd been slapped. Within seconds it turned to anger. "Fine." He stood abruptly. "Have fun at your meeting."

She stood but having neither the time or will to argue she disapparated to the address Sirius had just given her. It was an eccentric looking building, surrounded by unusual lawn ornaments that must have been a knock-off of the muggle kind. The bright orange flamingos combined with the green house created an eyesore and she grimaced at the sight. Approaching the door she grabbed the knocker.

"Ouch! You'll poke somebody's eye out doing that!"

Lily jumped back, removing her hand as the voice seemed to be coming from beneath it. Sure enough, the bronze lion glared at her. "Name?"

"Lily Evans."

The knocker stared back at her for a moment before the door swung open, letting her inside. The room was already full of members walking around and mingling. There were a few missing that Lily knew had been killed in action but there were also new fighters. She recognized Alice Prewett immediately although she believed it was Longbottom now.

"Lily!" She turned to find who was calling her. "You made it!" Sirius cheered, happy to see her. He clapped a hand on her shoulder like she was one of the guys. At the mention of her return, others began to gather around her, welcoming her back. Across the crowd, she saw Dumbledore watching it all as he smirked. She broke eye contact with him when Remus approached.

"Lily, good to see you." He gave her a one-armed hug which she returned. "How have you been?"

"I'm okay, actually. How are you?"

"I'm holding up. There's a new potion out that's supposed to help but I haven't been able to afford it yet." The dark circles under his eyes and fresh scars across his face reminded her that the full moon had only been a couple days ago.

Dumbledore called for their attention and they sat down around a large, round table that had been conjured.

"We've recently been informed of a potential attack in wizarding London. However, I have Intel that states Voldemort is interested in gaining control of the Ministry. I'm afraid the London attack may simply be a diversion…" Dumbledore droned on and Lily was overly aware the information had come from Severus. She sat quietly as the Order strategized and assigned tasks to different members. Some would be stationed at the Ministry while others in London. Since they hadn't been given an exact date, each person would serve a specific amount of time before being replaced by another Order member.

"You should join and Remus and me." Sirius suggested brightly after the meeting had ended. "It'll be like old times." Behind him, Remus nodded in agreement.

"Oh, no, I really just came to speak with Dumbledore."

Sirius eyed her suspiciously. "What is up with you lately? You've ignored my letters, you want to quit the order. You even rushed me from your home earlier. Don't think I didn't notice the pair of men's boots, Lily."

She wanted to tell him everything, she wanted someone to be excited for her. She eyed Alice for a moment, they had been close during their time at Hogwarts. She just wanted another girl to gush with over everything. Now Sirius stared at her with true concern in his eyes. It was right of him to be worried but even if she could be honest about everything it would only make Sirius angry.

"There have just been a lot of changes. I'm happy, Sirius, I promise." She smiled, a real one, because she was truly happy. "But there are certain things I can't do anymore and fighting is one of them." She placed her hand on his as a sign of reassurance.

Sirius shook his head at her. "You weren't like this with James. Something has changed."

She couldn't help but be irritated by the tone in his voice and drew her hand back. "Maybe that's because I know more now than I did before." She spoke coldly and glanced at Remus who paled at the look in her eyes. "Now, excuse me." She forced her chair back, nearly toppling it as she stood and approached the elderly wizard. "Sir? A word?"

He looked at her meaningfully. "Yes, yes. Follow me to my office. We haven't had a meeting in some time and I believe they'll want to chat."

"This is your house?" Lily said surprised as she followed him down a hallway. The mismatched décor suddenly made sense.

"More like a change of scenery. After so many days inside the castle, it's a relief to see something other than stone walls." He pushed the door open and allowed Lily inside. The study reminded her of the Headmaster's tower. The walls were covered with aged and faded books and small silver instruments puffed and whirred on a nearby table. The only difference was the lack of a desk. Instead, a cushy armchair was tucked into a corner with a reading light. With one quick movement, Dumbledore cast a privacy ward to ensure no one was listening in. Lily conjured a chair of her own and took a seat, feeling light-headed. Dumbledore sat across from her and intertwined his fingers, staring at her.

"Severus told you we were expecting?"

"Not in so many words, but yes."

She looked up at him, tears brimming her eyes. "I'm scared." She admitted out loud for the first time. "I don't know how we could have made such a mistake." Her head fell into her hands and her shoulders shook.

"Have you spoken to him about this?"

"No, he already has so much on his shoulders."

"I don't think you realize that he feels the same way. Seeking protection was his first priority."

"But what if the protection fails? What if Voldemort finds out?"

"Lily, nothing ever has a guarantee. If it wasn't Lord Voldemort it would be something else. Life never goes as people plan. Did you imagine yourself in this position a year ago?"

"No." Lily conceded, she'd been too overcome with grief a year ago. She had taken everything a day at a time, unwilling to look into the future.

"Did Severus tell you about his injury?"

"Of course! I'd be blind to not know by now."

"Has he talked about his recovery?"

"No." Lily said, suddenly concerned.

"I suggest you do. If you want this to Work you need to talk to Severus. He's already told me your plans. The Order will provide-"

"No, this is to remain a secret from everyone. Even telling you was a debate. I don't want anyone sacrificing my baby for the greater good or lack of."

"I understand, when you're ready for more help you know where to find us." Dumbledore stood to leave when Lily spoke again.

"Is there anything I can do for the Order behind the scenes?"

Dumbledore gave her a light-hearted smile. "I'm sure we can find something. Now, go home. Try not to worry until there's something to worry about." He bowed himself from the room and Lily followed him through the doorway as Dumbledore undid the privacy charm. Lily mingled for a minute more until she found it was appropriate to tear herself away and disapparated home.

Xxxx

Severus' hand was poised above his potion's book, quill in hand. Black ink dripped from the point as he moved to press it to the parchment. He scrawled across the paper, turning letters into words and words into sentences when he was interrupted by the person he loved most. Her red freckles were obvious on her milky white skin and her eyes were full of a weariness sleep couldn't fix. "Sev? Can we talk?" She spoke quietly, almost unsure that this was what she wanted to do. Severus' laid down his quill and pushed himself away from the desk. She took the opportunity to sit in his lap, leaning her head against his broad chest. His tall height toward over her, making the whole situation more comforting.

"What happened when you lost your leg?"

He exhaled audibly, he'd been waiting for this moment to come. He wanted to give her the obvious answer, to repeat what she already knew but that wasn't what she was looking for. "I don't remember much, just the smell of my own blood and knowing that something was very, very wrong. According to Dumbledore, I went to Hogwarts in search of help but I was too far gone. I'd hoped to avoid the hospital, being what I am, but apparently, it wasn't an option. It was about three days before I woke up again, everything else is black."

_"I trusted you!" Severus shrieked at the old man standing before him. He searched the room quickly, looking for something – anything he could throw. He had never been one to yell, not after the family he'd grown up with but Dumbledore had come in at the wrong time, only minutes after the nurse had told him they couldn't salvage his leg and Dumbledore had been there, had been someone he could hurt and that's all he wanted to do at that moment. The Headmaster stood before him calmly, listening to the slurs that flew from Severus' mouth, stopping momentarily to catch his breath from the sheer exhaustion of his anger._

_"Are you quite done?"_

_"Do you have any idea what they did to me?!"_

_Dumbledore's face grew grim. "Unfortunately, yes. They had no other choice." Severus tried to interrupt but Dumbledore wasn't having it. "There was no reason I had to save you, Master Snape. Don't make me regret that decision."_

_Severus shut his mouth finally, glowering at the other man._

_"Don't think you can get out of an explanation."_

_"I'm done serving him, I made a mistake." His voice was quieter but shook as he spoke. He looked down, squeezing his eyes shut on the fresh tears threatening to fall._

_"Now, that I can work with." Dumbledore smiled at him wistfully. Severus opened his mouth to speak but Dumbledore spoke over him. "For now you need to rest, to heal. I'll be in touch."_

_Severus nodded, unable to open his mouth and speak as Dumbledore walked from his hospital room. He watched the man go with mixed feelings but the most pressing one was utter disappointment. If his mum could see him now…Merlin, she'd be cross. She'd been furious with the rise of Lord Voldemort, she'd known him from school and had never supported his ideals. For his son to follow in the Dark Lord's footsteps…_

_Then there was Dumbledore, the look of calm rage on his face as Severus had shouted at the man. Dumbledore simply didn't get angry, it was something Severus had never seen. The man had blatantly admitted Severus shouldn't have been saved. He made it sound like he had done him a favor. Severus couldn't blame him, saving a Death Eater's life certainly wasn't heroic._

_The worst disappointment was in himself. He'd become a fraction of the person he had aspired to be as a child, the person he'd told Lily not to be…the person who killed people like Lily. He was disgusted with himself and with everything he had done. He could have made a difference, tried to stop Voldemort. That would have been a heroic reason to end up disfigured like he was now. At least then he could live with his actions. Now he'd be reminded for the remainder of his existence what a mistake he'd made. One didn't need to be dead to lose their life._

_From the corner of his eye, he spotted his nearly black, cypress wand. He reached out for it, twirling it in his fingers, feeling the power that surged through it, that surged through him. He ran his thumb down the handle, driving the carvings into memory. He flexed and tightened the muscles in his free hand and arm, watching them bulge before shrinking down again. His skin was marred with scars both old and new but the ones that had been inflicted a few days prior had been healed and no longer blemished his pale flesh. It occurred to him then what he wanted to do._

_With a shaking hand, he pointed the tip of his wand towards himself. He muttered the curse under his breath and a large, jagged gash appeared across his bicep. The relief was instantaneous, relief from inflicting what he felt he deserved. He turned his wand, imagining how the next one would feel. Only this time it was aimed at his throat. He focused on the feeling of the stiff sheets beneath him, the bare walls of the hospital, the control he felt in that moment. He closed his eyes, soaking in his last moments of life before he ended it all. Twisting the wand in his hand once more he opened his eyes, determined to watch the fatal slice. It was then he saw the blood. The fresh drips of scarlet ran down, staining his skin before dropping onto the blindingly white sheet. A sense of panic rose in him as he realized what he'd done, as the fresh smell of iron filled his nostrils and overwhelmed his senses. He screamed then, desperately trying to staunch the blood flow as it came pouring out, soaking through the thin fabric._

_Outside his door, he heard feet skidding to a halt as someone ran towards him. As the stout blonde mediwitch approached him his world faded to black once again. He'd lost too much blood earlier in the day. Even with the blood replenishing potions, he couldn't afford to lose more and he'd just lacerated his skin._

Xxxx

Lily couldn't help but touch the scar. Her fingers ran over the uneven skin as Severus talked. It was the same scar she had asked him about months before. He'd said it was Mulciber and later a consequence of his bad decisions. Severus detailed how they'd been unable to heal the cut, only able to stitch it together enough to stop the bleeding. It was his own fault, he'd used sectumsempra, a spell of his own creation that was irreversible with regular healing spells. They'd taken his wand from him then and kept him in the psychiatric ward for some time. He'd been in the hospital almost two months before they released him.

"Why did you do it? Why did you change your mind?"

"I realized my will to live was stronger than my will to die."

"And the scar? You could fix it, couldn't you?"

Severus nodded, he'd created the spell that caused it, it wouldn't be out of the question to find a way to heal it. "It serves as a reminder of what I almost missed out on." He looked at her intently.

Her fingers lingered from his scar and trailed down the inside of his elbow to his wrist and eventually his hand where his fingers found hers.

"How did Voldemort let you live?"

He noticed that she said his name this time. "I grew close to Yaxley while we were Death Eaters. He's been looking for his own way out of the cult for some time now. He's one of the few people who knew I could cast a patronus and I deemed it safe enough to contact him. He informed the Dark Lord that I was in the hospital."

"I didn't even know you could cast a patronus…"

He brushed some of her hair behind her ear. "It's a doe, like yours."

She sat up straighter, looking at him with a frown. "Mine hasn't been a doe for some time…not since James died." She drew her wand from the inside of her robes and wordlessly cast the patronus charm. Instead of the graceful doe appeared a large, lumbering black bear. Severus stared at it curiously before withdrawing his own wand. They both watched as a second bear appeared and happily joined the first.

"What memory did you choose?" Lily asked.

"Do you remember when I told you, you were a witch? How angry you were with me for calling you a bad name? I was devastated when you left. I'd finally found someone like me and you refused to believe it."

"But that's not a happy memory."

"No, I chose the next day, when you came back."

Lily smiled softly at him. "Mine's one of the first days we were at Hogwarts. I remember how you snuck out of the dungeons to meet me at the astronomy tower when I experienced my first dose of prejudice against my kind."

They watched the bears romp together in silence, being kept in reality from the mention of their memories. "I guess now we have a cub." Severus joked, laying his hand across her stomach.

She looked up at him seriously. "I think we took things a little fast."

He chuckled "But I wouldn't have it any other way."

"Thank you for telling me everything. I'm glad you got help" She turned on his lap so that it was more of a straddle and pressed her lips against his.

"Me too." He mumbled between kisses. He felt the warm, full skin of her lips and the taste of berries on her breath as her tongue found it's way inside his mouth. His hands moved to her slender hips, edging their way under the hem of her shirt. Her skin was like silk beneath his calloused fingers and he maneuvered them slowly up her until they stopped on her supple breasts. He felt the hardness of her beneath his hands and felt himself grow harder in response. His hands wandered ever further, pulling her shirt up off of her completely. She fingered the buttons on his robes, slowly undoing them.

She untangled herself from him then, allowing him to stand before the contact resumed. Placing his hands beneath her butt he lifted her into his arms. She felt him wince beneath her slight weight, heard the quick intake of breath which signaled he had hurt himself. Lily pulled back in an effort to make sure he was okay but the thought was quickly dispelled as he carried her to the bedroom, throwing her playfully on the bed. He quickly undid his prosthesis and pants, tossing them to the side as he climbed on the mattress next to her. She followed suit, depositing the remainder of her clothes on the floor. He made a motion of inserting his hand between her legs only to be stopped as she climbed on top of him. His lips trailed her neck bone before lingerIng down her cleavage and eventually stopping above her belly button. Their moans filled the room as they took turns riding one another.

They fell back on the bed sometime later, breathing heavily. The scent of sweat and sex lingered in the air. They clung to each other's naked bodies in a state of bliss as sleep threatened to overcome them both. Severus moved to roll on to his back, allowing Lily to nestle in the crook of his arm.

As he turned a spasm overtook him, shooting through his shoulders and down his spine. He grit his teeth in pain and every muscle in his body tensed, unable to relax.

Lily sat up worriedly. "Sev, please go to the hospital. You can't keep doing this."

He saw the worry on her face and knew he couldn't put it off any longer. "Okay." He agreed, defeated.

She scurried from the bed, putting on a set of robes and tossing him his own.

"What are you doing? You can't come with me."

"Like hell, I can't." She aimed her wand at herself and her hair darkened into a deep shade of black along with her eyes. She changed her features to match Severus', hoping to pass herself off as a sister or cousin, something.

"This is just creepy" Severus tried to joke between unbearable twinges of pain as he stared back at the female version of himself. He stood shakily with her support and she helped him into his prosthetic and eventually clothes. His head swam suddenly and he felt sick to his stomach. She fought to steady him but he easily had 12 inches and at least 50 pounds on her.

"We can do this." She said in an attempt to reassure both of them.

"You  _shouldn't_  be doing this." He pointed out but didn't try to stop her, he couldn't if he tried.

"The floo is set up, it'll be easier, less nauseating."

"No, we can't, it's traceable."

She sighed, only having one other option, and disapparated.

Xxxx

**A/N: According to a black bear patronus means "...a fierce opponent who will protect yourself and those close to you but who has a softer side hidden away from the world."**


	10. Fix You

**Fix You - Coldplay**

Xxxx

As soon as his feet hit solid ground his stomach lurched, expelling that day's food. Lily grimaced at the sight and smell before vanishing it. She deposited him in a nearby chair to wait while she spoke to the receptionist.

"Ask for Healer Ase." He insisted, looking rather green. He reached up, rubbing at the tenseness in his muscles.

Several minutes later she returned with an overly familiar blonde mediwitch trailing behind her. "Sirona, we can't keep meeting each other like this." He tried to smile at her.

"Come on, funny guy." She helped him stagger to his feet. "Can you walk? Or do we need a stretcher?"

"I'll be fine." Lily wrapped her arms around him again for support while sending him a meaningful glare. The three of them walked through a set of swinging doors, separating the patients from the waiting room. The hallway was filled with the sounds of painful moans and tears. Severus was about to join them when Sirona finally stopped in front of a room. He heaved a sigh of relief as he was laid on the lumpy hospital mattress. A thin gown was tossed to him and he groaned at the thought of moving again.

"Are you capable of helping him?" Sirona asked skeptically, clearly thrown off by the disguised Lily.

"Yes, that's fine. I'm his…" She glanced at Severus, unsure of the appropriate term.

"…she's my fiancée." Severus' finished for her, emitting a blush on Lily's pale cheeks.

"I'll leave you to it then." Sirona smiled and took her leave, closing the door for privacy.

"I thought I was going to be your sister." Lily said once she was sure they were alone.

"Yes, but then I couldn't do this." He reached up to pull her down for a kiss. "It'll be easiest if we can stick as close to the truth as possible. Not so many lies to get caught up in."

Lily helped him sit up, sliding the clothes from his arms, much like she'd done earlier that night. Their room had been dark when they'd left for the hospital and now under the harsh, white lights she saw the purple that sullied his back. It ran down his spine, leaving the shape of each bone visible. In some areas the bruising was so deep it was almost black. It spread across his shoulder blades, highlighting every blemish and scar

"Severus…" She gasped. "What happened?"

He frowned and attempt to turn which only resulted in him crying out. "What are you talking about?"

"Your back…never mind."

He slid his arms into the sleeves of the gown and she tied it behind him. He laid back down and Lily cracked open the door, signaling he was ready. The heavyset woman walked in a moment later. She listened to Severus with rapt attention as he explained what was going on, how the pain had been growing with intensity since Christmas. When he finished, Sirona approached him. She guided her wand over him while muttering under her breath. Lily watched with rapt attention as the woman moved from his head to his toes. Reaching the end of his length she made an unreadable expression only momentarily and started over with a different chant.

"Severus." She said almost exasperated "Nothing is wrong."

"What?!" Lily practically shouted at her. "Just look at him!" She turned to Severus. "Sit up, show her!" He did as he was told and Lily tore open the back of his hospital gown and beckoned for Sirona. "You still want to tell me nothing is wrong?"

The mediwitch shook her head. "Nothing is coming up on my scans. We can't treat what we can't find."

"I want Ase." Severus bellowed suddenly.

Sirona sighed. "I'll see if he's available." She walked from the room, leaving the two of them alone.

"What's so special about Ase?" Lily asked quietly, breaking the tense silence.

"He's the one who used the severing charm on my leg. I've seen him off and on since then. He's the one who helped me relearn how to walk."

Lily nodded and reached out to take his hand. The devastation on his face was clear. She had so many things she wanted to ask him but she couldn't bring herself to do it. They sat together in the sterile room, hoping the healer would have something else to say. The door creaked open again and they both looked up at the newcomer. In the doorway stood a man who must have been near eighty. His skin sagged with age and his scalp was visible through his thin, white hair. He stared at Severus with piercing blue eyes that made Lily uncomfortable. Without a word the wiry man approached Severus and pressed on various body parts. His finger tips lightly trailed the bruises.

"You still don't know the spells that were used?" He asked in a voice higher than Lily expected.

"No, sir. I think they were some of his own creation."

The healer bit his lip in thought. "It seems it may include a sensory type of memory charm. This is almost identical to how you first came in. When did they appear?"

Severus looked at Lily, using his eyes to ask the question.

"They weren't there earlier, I only noticed them when we first got here." She wondered if they had appeared while the two of them were in bed together, when the pain had first started. "He's been hurting for some time, I finally convinced him to come, but this hasn't happened before."

Ase nodded and stepped away, allowing Severus to lie back. "I'd like to keep you overnight and run some tests. I'd like the chance to study the effects as well, if you'll allow me of course. All I can tell you now is it seems like severe nerve damage. I'll have Sirona move you to a more permanent room. And Mr. Snape?"

Severus looked at him questioningly.

"We'll have no repeats of last year, correct?"

"Not at all, Sir. Things have changed."

"Very well, I'll speak with you in the morning." He walked from the room, leaving them alone again. Severus patted the side of the bed and Lily curled up next to him.

"I need you to leave. I have to talk to Yaxley and of course you can't be seen."

She nodded. "Let me know when he leaves and I'll come and spend the night."

"You know I would love that but appearance charms don't last that long. In just a few hours everyone would know who you were."

She signed, more than disappointed. "I'll see you tomorrow then." She tried to look away and Severus used his thumb to turn her back to him.

"Hey, you know I love you, right? I wouldn't make you leave if circumstances were different."

"Will they  _ever_ be different?"

Severus felt his heart sink. It wasn't a question he could even attempt to answer. The downfall of Lord Voldemort had been predicted but no one knew  _when_ it would be. "That's not something we need to figure out right now. Go home, you need your rest."

She nodded and gave him a gentle hug, afraid of hurting him. "I love you too." She mumbled into the fabric covering him. She unwillingly bid goodbye and walked from the room, down the short hallway and back to where she arrived. She stood still for a moment, unwilling to go home alone. With a sudden decision she disapparated, arriving at a house in Dufftown.

She undid the appearance charms and reached out for the door, knocking with a shaking hand. No answer came, it was already so late, she wasn't surprised. Lily turned to leave when the door cracked open and an sleepy Remus stared back at her, bleary eyed. "Lily? What are you doing here?"

Unable to bear it any longer she flung herself into his arms as she burst into tears. He patted her back awkwardly, unsure of what was happening. "Can I stay here tonight?" She practically begged. He nodded, how could he say no to this?

"Come in, I'll make you some tea and you can tell me what happened."

She followed him inside and sat down. The adventures of the day weighing heavily on her. Using his wand, Remus sent boiling water into two cups and placed a tea bag in each, bringing them over. He handed one over to her and she let the billowing steam soothe her face and tired eyes. Remus sat down expectantly, waiting for her to begin. Lily stared back into his kind face. They'd been close to one another during their time at Hogwarts. She'd trusted him with almost everything and he'd kept it all a secret, even from the other Marauders.

"Remus…" She began over the lump in her throat. "If I tell you, you can't tell  _anyone,_ not Sirius, not Peter, not even Dumbledore.

"Okay…I promise." He seemed unnerved about whatever she was about to reveal. When she didn't speak, he did. "Do you want me to make the vow?"

"No, no…I trust you." It warmed her heart that he would even make the suggestion. "We're alone, right?"

"No, I was planning a surprise party for just this occasion…of course we're alone."

Lily rubbed her tired face, ignoring the joke. "Well, you know how I moved back to Cokeworth?"

"Of course."

"Apparently so did Severus."

Remus' face blanched as he realized where this was going. "Lily! You know what he is!"

"No, he's not, not anymore." Before she could stop it everything spilled out, how they had reconnected and how he had been the one that let Remus go that night. Sometime during their conversation Remus moved to sit by her, laying an arm across her shoulders comfortingly.

"You love him again, don't you?"

"Oh, Rem. It's so much more than that.

"Did he leave you? Is that why you're upset? I'll kill-"

"No, no, we're fine, more than fine. He was tortured for letting you go and he hasn't been the same since. Mulciber messed him up. His health has been getting worse again and I took him to the hospital tonight after the Order meeting." She stared down at her hands, amazed that Remus wasn't objecting to any of this. He'd always been the most reasonable, the most understanding of the four boys. "Voldemort overheard a prophecy, a baby born as the seventh month dies will be the one who defeats him." She met his gaze again. "I'm pregnant."

Remus stood suddenly, running his hands through his muddy brown hair. "Of course you are! Merlin, Lily! Do you ever-"

"I'm not a child!" She screamed back at him. "He's different now.  _None_ of this was planned but you yelling at me won't change that."

Remus' hands came back down to his sides with a slap. "What is it you want then?"

"I just…I just needed a friend, someone to confide in." She shook her head, trying to clear her tears. "I was wrong coming here." She forced herself up angrily, headed for the door.

"Lily, wait…Lily! Stop! I'm sorry, okay?" He grabbed her, hugging her tightly and letting her fall apart in his arms.

"Everything is so messed up, Remus."

"I know, I know…stay here as long as you like. Godric Gryffindor, everything makes sense now. That's why you're leaving the Order, isn't it?"

She nodded

"How did Sniv- Severus, take the news?"

"Surprisingly well, he's excited."

"He  _has_ changed."

Lily couldn't help but smile for a second before her face fell again. "I'm afraid I'm going to lose him."

"His injuries are that serious?"

"No…I don't think so anyway but I can't help but be afraid they are."

"Why aren't you there now?"

"It's not safe, we can't be seen together."

Remus nodded in understanding. "Sirius will likely murder you both when he finds out. You can't hide this forever."

Lily sighed. "I know, but we're doing what we can. This can't get back to Lord Voldemort. You can't tell a soul, Remus."

"I won't, you know I won't."

She did.

Xxxx

Yaxley had been awoken by a large, transparent bear. It was so different from the doe he'd seen before. Upon hearing Severus' message he changed and flooed to the hospital quickly. Stepping into the waiting room he brushed the soot from his robes and asked to see one Severus Snape. He was directed to the fourth floor, just like before, and entered the room to find a weary Severus.

"What did he do now?" Yaxley drawled.

"It seems our friend's curses have reappearing effects."

"The Dark Lord will be furious."

"'I'm well aware." Severus sneered. "I need you to make sure the fury is directed where it belongs; Mulciber."

"What's in it for me?" Yaxley crossed his arms over his chest.

"I'll find you a way out of there, Corban."

"And what if you don't?"

"What would you like me to offer then?" Severus was growing irritated with the conversation. He was already in a bad mood and Yaxley antagonizing him didn't help.

"I want your spell, that severing charm."

"Absolutely not! It's too dangerous if it falls into the wrong hands. I can't risk that getting back to the Dark Lord."

"It seems you're on your own then."

"What if I created one just for you?"

Yaxley rubbed his stubbled chin in thought. "What would it do?"

"That's your decision."

"Very well, it's a deal. I'll speak with him tomorrow."

Severus watched the fair haired man leave. He waited until the sound of his footsteps faded to nothing before casting one last patronus.  _Yaxley agreed to help, he's speaking with Voldemort tomorrow._ Releasing the bear, Severus watched it lumber from the room before passing out from sheer exhaustion.

Xxxx

He slept horribly that night with Sirona in his room every couple hours. He felt someone gently shaking him awake, groaning he shifted away from whoever it was.

"Sev, it's me."

The sound of her sweet voice penetrated his dreamless sleep and he forced his eyes open into the brightness of the morning. "Lil?" He murmured at the sight of her dark features.

She reached out, brushing his skin. "How are you feeling?"

"I've been better." He smirked. Someone appeared over her shoulder and he frowned, still not fully awake. It took a moment before he realized who he was staring back at.

"What the hell is Remus doing here?" He hissed, sitting up

"She told me everything, mate."

Severus' eyes shifted between the two of them before settling on a glare at Lily. "What exactly is 'everything'?"

Lily sighed, she knew he wouldn't be happy. "Us and the prophecy, that about covers it."

"And that it was you who-" Remus began.

"Don't." Severus interrupted. He didn't want to be thanked, the Dark Lord had "thanked" him enough. Just seeing Remus made his blood boil. "Why?" He asked Lily rather brusquely. Her gaze softened and he understood. "Son of a-  _Lil,_ this has to be a  _secret!"_

"We'll talk about this later." She snapped back, a blush growing in her cheeks.

"You tell  _anyone,_ Remus, and you're a dead man."

Remus raised his hands defensively. "No one will know."

The healer entered then, breaking up their argument. He paused in the doorway at the palpable tension in the room before clearing his throat. "I'm afraid all of the tests came back normal. It seems your body doesn't believe something is wrong even though something clearly is."

"What the hell am I supposed to do then?"

"Unfortunately, as of now, nothing. I can give you some potions to control the pain-"

"They don't work like they're supposed to." Severus' voice trembled as he tried to keep it steady.

"I'm sorry, Severus. I don't know what else to do for you right now. I recommend you try to learn more about the spells. For now, go home and rest. I'll have Sirona discharge you."

Severus threw himself back on the pillow in frustration and yelped at the pain it caused.

"I'll leave you two alone…" Remus slunk from the room as Severus threw his legs over the side of the bed. Lily gingerly helped him into his clothes. She noticed the purple bruising had traveled farther down his body and was noticeable on his thighs now. He noticed them too but didn't speak, didn't reach out for her and she knew he was still furious with her.

"Remus wants to help protect us."

"The more people you tell the more protection we'll need."

"You were the one to tell Dumbledore."

"Actually he figured it out."

"You may not need someone to know, Sev, but I do. I trust Remus. I wouldn't have told him if I didn't."

Severus slid his arm into the sleeve and began doing up the buttons of his shirt. "Who would I tell? It isn't about not needing someone, it's about not having someone. It's always just been you." He stood, surprisingly finding it a little easier to walk than the previous night and opened the door to let Remus back in. Remus waited around awkwardly as Sirona discharged Severus. The three of them disapparated to Lily's home.

Severus stumbled his way to the nearest chair and collapsed in it. Remus looked at him as if he was seeing him for the first time. He sat down near Severus and leaned his elbows on his knees. "Lily said you're Dumbledore's spy."

Severus nodded, already exhausted from the small exertion. "Unfortunately I can't leave the Dark Lord's side. This is the best I can do." Lily left the two men alone, retreating to the kitchen.

"What's your current plan?"

"Hiding in plain sight at the moment."

"And what happens if one day you don't come back?" He took his chance to ask the question while Lily was gone.

Severus gulped, it was something he didn't even want to think about "Lily's strong-"

"No, Severus. Losing James destroyed her. I don't think it's something she can do again. No matter what she's told you, she was in love with him. She's in love with you now, I see it on her face plain as day. But, whatever you two are doing here, I don't think she can come back from losing the father of her child."

"I assure you, I lost her once, I have no intention of doing it again. I'm in this for good."

"Does that mean-"

"Yes." Severus was afraid Lily would overhear them. "I know it's soon but we've already spent so many years together. We're merely just catching up now."

"Good, because if you do leave, if you hurt her-"

"You'll hurt me?" Severus smiled lightly. "It won't be necessary."

Lily entered the room again then with a plate of sandwiches. She cleared her throat as she placed the food between them.

"I can promise Sirius won't know anything about this, about you." He directed at Severus. "He'd put both of our heads on a pike. But, Lily, you can't expect to keep him in the dark about a child. One day he's going to stop by and he'll find out. It's best you were honest with him on that front…Lily if, down the road, you need someone to stay with you while Severus is gone I would appreciate it if you called on me, barring the full moon of course."

"I will, I appreciate the sentiment, Rem." She smiled, some of the weight having been lifted off her shoulders.

The three of them sat in a semi circle, eating their lunch in an uncomfortable silence. They each had a different past together that no words could rectify in that moment. Severus polished off his food and stood weakly.

"I hate to break up the reunion but I can't bare to wear this any longer. Lily…could I trouble you for a moment?"

"Of course!" She set down her own food and moved to support Severus, only to be stopped by Remus.

"Lily, you need to take it easy, let me." She saw an uncomfortable look on Severus' face at Remus' touch but he didn't resist. Remus helped him up the stairs and down the hall with Lily trailing behind them. The men were similar in size and able to move much faster than if Lily had been the one to help him. Remus deposited him gently on the bed.

"I can take it from here, Remus, thank you."

He nodded and headed from the room, closing the door behind him. Lily noticed Severus' hands shaking as he quickly yanked up his pant leg and undid the prosthetic. A brief look of relief crossed his face but Lily noticed the bruising had extended even further. She helped pull his robes off, leaving him in ⁿ but briefs and tucking him into the bed like a child. She retrieved a potion from off the dresser and slipped it into his hand. He downed it quickly and placed the empty vial on the nightstand. Lily bent down and kissed him on the lips as his eyes fluttered shut.


	11. Save Myself

**Save Myself - Ed Sheeran**

Xxxx

Severus felt his mark burned several days later. He was in no shape to find Voldemort, moving alone was hardly doable. Unfortunately, it was one of those sacrifices he had to make. It was evening when the call came, the Dark Lord always preferred to hide under the guise of nightfall. Severus simply bid Lily goodbye and moved to the solitude of the bathroom where he focused on shutting down his mind, preparing it to be invaded. When he felt prepared he focused on the mark, where it was directing him to go, and disapparated. He arrived in front of headquarters and went through the motions, proving his identity and giving up his wand. He followed the mass of Death Eaters to the interrogation room. They were like lemmings, moving as one to known danger. They filled into the space and awaited the dramatic entrance of Lord Voldemort.

"Ah, here we are, gathered once more." Voldemort declared, walking towards them. "I was informed that Pettigrew had some interesting news."

 _Pettigrew? Peter Pettigrew? What the hell is he doing here?_ Severus watched the stout little man make his way to the Dark Lord. He looked as rat like as ever with sniveling features and a new habit of twitching. Severus recognized him as the man that had joined the Death Eaters only a few months before. He felt a new sense of fear, everything was even more dangerous now that Lord Voldemort had a spy within the Order's ranks. Nothing was a secret now, nothing was safe. Severus worked fiercely to tamp down the terror and anger inside him at the sight of the traitor.

Peter kneeled fearfully before the Dark Lord, his trembling was evident to all those around him.

"Well?" Voldemort spat, urging the lump of a man to spit it out.

"Longbottom…Alice Longbottom is d-due to have a child on July 27th, my Lord."

A menacing smile crossed the Dark Lord's face. "Very good, Pettigrew. Your position has served us greatly thus far."

"What else do you have for us?"

"I overheard Dumbledore speak of another pregnant woman but he didn't say a name."

Severus clenched his fingers into fists, fighting not to run from the building screaming. It was a good thing his wand had been taken from him, he would have hexed the lot of them otherwise. There was no doubt Peter had been talking about Lily. They were immensely lucky to remain unnamed but how had the rat overheard all of this? If Severus had been fearful before he was utterly terrified now.

Peter was sent back to stand with the others "Mulciber!" Voldemort called shrilly into the group before him, drawing Severus' attention back. The muscular man sauntered his way to the front of the room, taking Pettigrew's place. The Dark Lord quickly removed his wand from his robes and pointed it threateningly below the man's chin. He spoke low so that Mulciber would be the only one to hear his threat. Severus looked out at the people around him, searching for the sandy haired man that was Yaxley. His eyes finally settled on him and they locked eyes for just a moment. Yaxley nodded slightly, confirming Mulciber's punishment was because of Severus. Lord Voldemort couldn't take the chance of losing his fighters and Mulciber had forever affected Severus' ability to serve.

There was a thud and Severus turned to see the man writhing on the ground, gasping for air. Voldemort towered above him, a gleeful look in his eyes at the pain he was inflicting. The torture ended and Mulciber struggled to stand, clutching his side. Voldemort forced him up and pushed him to join the other Death Eaters.

"Snape!" He called next. Severus swore under his breath, it was never good to speak with the Dark Lord when he was coming off a torturing high. Unable to kneel Severus just bowed his head. Voldemort grimaced at the gesture but ignored it under the circumstances and forced his way into Severus' mind, verifying his hospital stay and the reasons behind it. Severus only offered up the memories of when he was alone or with Healer Ase along with those that showed the extent of the bruising. Voldemort pulled out of his mind and Severus' eyes focused back on the snake like man before him.

"When was the last time you were at Hogwarts?" He hissed.

"…five days ago, my Lord." From the corner of his eye Severus saw Voldemort fiddling with his wand. Severus knew if he had been in any other shape he would have been subjected to the cruciatus.

"If things don't change you will be pulled from Hogwarts. Don't make me start over with Dumbledore...You're dismissed, all of you."

Murmurs filed the room at Voldemort's departure and they each turned out the way they had come.

"Snape!" The deep voice of Yaxley called through the crowd. "I need to speak with you."

Severus forced his way through until he caught up with him. "Thought of something?" He hissed

Yaxley nodded but he didn't speak until they were alone outside the building. Severus quickly cast a muffliato. "Dementors, do you know what they're like?"

Severus shuddered. "Unfortunately."

"I want a spell that mimics how one feels when they're around."

Severus furrowed his brow and frowned. "May I ask why?"

"Don't you want to see everyone here scatter when they think they're in danger of being kissed?"

"Ah, friendly fire?" Severus smirked.

"Precisely."

"I'll be in touch, Goodnight Yaxley." He disapparated. Arriving home he sent off his patronus, calling for Dumbledore to apparate inside their home. Lily stood in front of him anxiously.

"How are you? Did he doing anything?"

"Not this time. I asked Dumbledore to join us, we need to talk."

Severus gingerly lowered himself onto the couch. Every muscle in his body ached down to the bone. In that moment he wanted to sleep and never wake up. He closed his eyes and felt the gentle touch of Lily's fingertips across his skin. He gave into the touch, wishing it would never stop. Opening his eyes again he saw that hers were filled with intense worry now. He shifted in his seat and pulled her down so she was laying on his chest. He stroked her hair reassuringly, both of them enjoying the moment of togetherness even if there was pain behind it. A pop sounded in the house, signaling Dumbledore's arrival and Lily untangled herself, sitting up straighter. Severus followed suit.

"You needed to speak with me, Severus?"

"Yes, please, sit." Severus gestured for the armchair closest to him and Dumbledore did as he was asked. "I found Pettigrew, he's joined Voldemort's ranks."

Lily gasped beside him but said nothing. "How long ago?" Dumbledore asked, annoyingly calm.

"A few months ago, his identity wasn't revealed to us until tonight, after he'd proven himself worthy. He brought Voldemort the news that the Longbottoms are expecting." He looked at Lily. "And an unnamed woman."

Lily couldn't help but cry, she'd been doing that a lot lately. Everything seemed to be falling apart before them. Deep concern lined Dumbledore's face. "How did he found out?"

"I don't know." Severus began rubbing Lily's back. "He only said that he overheard the information. I recommend finding another headquarters and perhaps using a different one each time."

"Thank you, Severus." Dumbledore shook his head. "I have some news to deliver to the Longbottoms, I suppose. Let me know if you hear anything else."

"I will, sir."

Lily spoke once Dumbledore was gone. "I don't think we can stay here any longer. We need to find some place else. How long until Voldemort figures out it's me? We need to prepare so that when the time does come we won't be here."

"I agree. We'll look when I get home tomorrow."

"What about Wales? Or France? Anywhere but here."

"That's actually not a bad idea…the Dark Lord hasn't branched out of England yet. I don't think it's occurred to him that the child might not even be from England."

"What about Ireland? I'd love to see where mum grew up."

"You'd blend in well." He brushed a red hair from her face.

Xxxx

It was there again when he woke up, that overwhelming weight of despair. It seemed to be there more often than not. It didn't matter what was happening in his life, the things he should have been excited for no longer seemed to make a difference. He and Lily were going to be buying their first house together. It was a big step for them but instead of feeling happy about it, it felt more like a chore. Sure, the circumstances behind their need to move were horrible. But in the here and now they were fine. Normally he would have looked forward to the day, instead he wanted to roll back over and sleep. What was the point in trying to change things when the circumstances prevented the things he truly wanted? Lily was the only part of his life he had chosen.

Lily shifted in the bed beside him. She rolled over, draping an arm around his middle. He pretended to still be sleeping, having no desire for the day to begin, no matter what it held. He felt her lips graze the side of his cheek and he gave up on returning to his dreams.

"I'm not going in today." Even Voldemort's threat of the previous night wasn't enough to convince him.

She pulled back slightly, frowning. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." He exhaled loudly and put on an unconvincing smile. There was no point in talking about it, she simply didn't understand. No matter how he put it she would never get it unless she experienced it herself. The words to describe how he felt just didn't exist.

"Should we get going then?"

"Why don't we make a day of it? I looked at the map last night and have a few towns in mind."

She smiled broadly. "I just need to stop by the market, tender my resignation."

He sighed wistfully. "If only I could do the same." He swung his legs off the bed and searched for something to wear. He plucked his jeans from the floor, where he had left them several days before and pulled them on, followed by a plain black, long sleeved shirt. Sliding his feet into a pair of shoes he was finished and relaxed while Lily took her sweet time.

"Aren't you going to disguise yourself at all?" She asked while pulling a green sweater over her head.

"Actually, the Dark Lord hasn't extended to Ireland yet. He doesn't have any followers out of England at the moment."

"Yet another benefit of moving countries."

"We still have to be careful but one day on the town will be fine."

"You mean I actually get to be seen with the real you? How exciting." She smiled again and it almost broke through the coldness he felt. "I should only be gone for a minute and we can leave." He nodded and she disapparated.

The silence without her presence was depressing. Even though she would be back momentarily he missed her. The quiet that had invaded his home on Spinner's End before her was maddening and he hoped to never return to it. Soon enough the stillness would be filled with the cries of a newborn and eventually a toddler and young child. The thought was almost comforting, that in only a few months his life would change forever, that someone would rely on him completely. He had a lot to fix before those days came.

A pop sounded in the room again. "How did they take it?" Severus asked, standing up again.

"Not well but it's not like I have much of a choice."

"You can get something else when we settle down."

"Preferably not in a grocery store." She looped his arm through his and they disapparated once more.

They arrived on the bustling streets of Dublin. People rushed by them on their way to work and their olfactory senses were bombarded with the smells of different foods coming from nearly every different direction. They stood, red hair and black, among a crowd of people who had no idea who they were, who never gave them a second glance. They were truly hidden by being surrounded with strangers. Lily pointed to a nearby building that seemed to be emanating the scent of sausages and Severus followed after her.

The restaurant looked as though it had been there for years. The paint was dulled and chipped and the sign seemed to be fading. Nevertheless, the inside was packed with tourists and towns people alike. The two of them were sat at a wobbly table, tucked in a corner by the window. Two cups of tea were placed in front of them and they each ordered a traditional Irish breakfast. Lily chatted animatedly while they waited. She was clearly as excited as Severus should have been. He nodded his head along to her chatter without really listening. He was almost relieved when their food was arrived and her mouth was full of black pudding, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

The people around them came from everywhere imaginable. They came from different backgrounds and upbringings and looking on each of their faces, every single one of them looked  _happy._ He knew it was an illusion, that many of those people were suffering silently like he was. He wondered which ones had just gone through a death or a divorce, which ones were dying, which one's were threatened and abused, and yet they all sat here eating breakfast, pretending that everything was fine. It made him feel more alone than ever, that each of these people were someone he  _could_ have been if only certain things had gone differently, if he'd had a family that loved him or had made the right choices in school. They were all a representation of how differently his life could be in this moment. Maybe all his choices led him to this place, here with Lily, but maybe if he'd done things the right way he would have been here all along, only in much better shape. It was amazing how lonely he could feel when she sat across from him, looking at him with nothing but love in her eyes. She trusted him and loved him with her whole heart and he had the potential to destroy all that. Maybe it would be better if he left, if she found someone else to love. Now he'd destined a child to the same cruel fate, a world that would hate his very existence and try to end it. It was selfish of him, of them both. He pushed his plate away, suddenly having no appetite.

Xxxx

Lily heard the scrap of ceramic against wood and looked up to see Severus had folded his arms across his chest, no longer eating despite a nearly full plate. She examined his features as he looked out the window at the passersby. Something was plaguing him. She'd noticed how he brushed off everything that had come from her mouth that day and barely seemed to listen to her. Pulling muggle notes from her purse she placed them on the table.

"Sev, let's go." She slid out from the booth and stood beside him. "Sev?"

"Huh? Oh, right." He smiled but there was no joy behind it. She followed him out of the small café and down a nearby alleyway where they disapparated.

They walked down the street of Kinsale, neither talking or reaching to touch one another. They were surrounded by neon colored buildings, green, pink, and orange. The two of them walked several kilometers before Lily spoke. "This doesn't feel like home." Severus' agreed with the nod of his head. From there they went to Dingle, Cork, and Clonakilty but none of them felt right. They couldn't picture themselves building a life there. It was near two in the afternoon and the sun was high in the sky. They were about ready to give up and go home when Severus took her one last place, Kinby.

It was a small, seaside town with houses dotted through the valley. A mist hung over the village but Lily noticed an immediate change. Something about the green hills and valleys and the rolling waves drew her in, beckoning her to stay, unlike any of the others. They wandered the town and she was more enthusiastic than she had been before. She could see herself living here, she  _wanted_ to live here.

"I think this is the place, Sev." She grinned at him and he only nodded again, having no opinion. The corners of her lips turned back down. They walked on, eventually stopping in front of a small, square house. It was white with a gray, stone entryway and chimney. It sat on a large plot of grassy land and a sign staked into the garden said it was available. With a couple easy charms they were inside the small home. It felt cozy with the wood floors and fireplace. Natural light streamed in through the windows.

"It's perfect." She gushed.

"Then it's yours." Severus spoke finally.

"Mine? You mean ours?"

Severus shook his head and looked away. "I think it'd be best if you moved in alone…"

Her chest seized at what he was suggesting. "Like hell I am! What is going on with you?!"

He retreated at the shouting she'd been unable to control. "You don't need me-"

"You don't get to tell me what I need!"

"It's my fault you're in this situation." His voice began to rise.

"Really? I seem to remember being there. You can't back out of everything. You don't get to be a coward."

Rage flashed in his eyes then. "I'm  _not_ being a coward! I'm trying to do the right thing!"

"All I hear is you being selfish. Leaving me and our child in a new city, in a new  _country,_ is  _not_ the right thing to do!"

"What good am I around here? I do nothing but endanger you." He looked at her intensely before speaking more quietly. "I don't know who I am anymore…"

"Then figure it out with  _me_ , don't just leave." She looked at him pleadingly, tears beginning to form in her eyes.

He looked at her sadly, wanting to reach out and touch her but something held him back.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" A tear dripped from her lashes, wetting her cheek. "I need  _you,_ no matter who you think you are, I love  _you._ Don't do this."

Her face was full of anguish and Severus remembered what Remus had told him just a few days prior.  _Losing James destroyed her. I don't think it's something she can do again._ "Okay, okay." He wrapped his arms around her and her legs gave way, relying solely on him as she cried. "I'm not going anywhere, I'm sorry."

He heard her head shift against his clothes as she moved it up and down against him. "You don't get to do this, ever." She choked out.

"It was never about not loving you, you know that, right?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Okay, I'm an idiot. I'm just going through a lot-"

"Then talk to me about it."

He sighed. "I'll work on it." He listened to her sniffle as she calmed down and knew then what he needed to do. It had been crossing his mind more frequently and he'd known for some time it was coming. "Can I have your hand?"

She looked up at him, confused, as she slid her hand into his.

"No, that's not what I meant."

She stared, shocked for a moment. "Now?! You pick now to propose?!"

He grimaced. "I never was known for my timing."

"I don't know why I put up with you." She shook her head derisively. "Of course I will, you tosser."

Xxxx

**A/N: Sorry for the angsty chapter, it's been one** _**hell** _ **of a week.**

**Thanks guest "new fan" for reading so quickly, I was glad I could remove that note since it was a bit of a spoiler. I also appreciate you pointing out those errors, I fixed them. Glad you're enjoying the story so far.**


	12. Lucky One

**Lucky One - Simple Plan**

They'd both just gotten home when the call came. Severus' mark began to burn and the phoenix came calling for Lily almost simultaneously. The two of them stared at each other fearfully.

"There's an attack in London, near Big Ben." Lily repeated what the patronus had told her. "I thought you weren't a fighter?"

"I thought so too. Stay here." He kissed her quickly, trying to fight the overall tremors racking his body. Drawing his wand across his face the metallic, silver and black, skull-like mask appeared. Lily stared for a moment before turning away and he disapparated.

He landed in the heart of the fight and tried to skirt the edges, avoiding being hit or hitting anyone else. There were very few Death Eaters in the area. They were easily outnumbered by members of the Order. Something was wrong, the Dark Lord had something else planned. He wouldn't have sent for only a handful of fighters.

Voldemort had clearly picked such a muggle location in hopes of taking as many casualties as possible. There were already several bodies strewn across the pavement. Muggle and magical blood mingled together as it flowed down the street. A sudden explosion rocked the ground behind them. Severus turned to see fire lighting up the evening sky and debris raining down on them all. His ears began ringing from the noise and the fighting stopped momentarily as everyone froze. The air around them was suddenly filled with the sound of apparitions as more Death Eaters appeared and the Order was lured to the explosion.

A stinging hex was launched at Severus, bringing his attention back. Turning to find his attacker he spotted the wavy black hair belonging to one Sirius Black. Severus sent a series of spells back at him, each narrowly missing. Sirius roared with laughter at Severus' seeming inability to hit him, never realizing the shots were missing on purpose. Sirius sent a mild severing charm at Severus, catching him across his fake shin. It didn't stop him from advancing on Sirius who was petrified by Severus' lack of response. He darted suddenly around a nearby corner in an effort to escape the Death Eater.

Severus returned to the main fight. The smell of smoke singed the inside of his nose. The building that had exploded still flickered with what appeared to be fiendfyre. Chaos ensued around them. Aurors had arrived now and we're tempting to gain control of the flames.

Severus' mark burned again suddenly, signaling him to retreat and come to headquarters. He watched his fellow Death Eaters disapparate and the remaining members of the Order stood in confusion at the sudden silence. Severus left then, unable to wait any longer.

The building was filled with raucous applause and shouting as Severus pushed his way through the crowd. A man sat before them all, bound and gagged. He struggled in his seat, fighting desperately to get out as if freeing the bands around his arms meant he was safe. Despite the fresh scratches that adorned his face his identity was unmistakable, Harold Minchum.

Xxxx

Lily couldn't help but be afraid. During their time together Severus had never been sent on a raid. She was unable to fight with him and no idea what was going on. She didn't know when Severus would be back, if he ever would be. It terrified her. He'd only been sent to meetings and still usually came home worse for wear. She could only hope this time he didn't turn up dead. She chewed nervously on her fingernails as the minutes ticked by. About an hour after Severus had left came the patronus. The pale blue light drifted in through the windows and disappointingly took the shape of a phoenix, not a bear. It was Dumbledore asking her to join them at the Order, a new location like Severus' had suggested. She hurriedly disapparated and found herself in a dark and musty home. Dust lingered on every surface from disuse, the only trail of footsteps led down a hallway and she followed them into a kitchen. The room was filled with a sense of despair as she joined the fighters. Many of them were splattered with blood and had a look as though they couldn't believe what just happened. Worst of all there were several people missing. Dumbledore sat at the head of the table, just as stunned as everyone else while the remaining members trickled in.

"What happened?" Lily asked finally, unable to take it any longer.

Every face turned to look at her before turning to look at Dumbledore, awaiting his explanation. "We were ambushed." He said despairingly. "It was like I suspected, the attack on London was merely a distraction. A series of explosions went off at the Ministry…Lord Voldemort himself took the Minister as he was on his way out." Terror seized them all as they learned the extent of events that night. "Too much blood was spilled tonight. We lost both Prewett brothers." Molly Weasley and Alice Longbottom, both Prewett children, began to sob at the death of their family. "– along with Dorcas Meadowes and several muggles. I'm awaiting news from my spy on the extent of damage done to Lord Voldemort's fighters as well as word on the Minister." Dumbledore removed his glasses, rubbing his eyes. "For now, go home. There's nothing else that can be done tonight. I'll send you all word when I have more information. If the Longbottoms, Sirius, Remus, and Lily would stay, I have some things to discuss with each of you."

Chairs scraped against the floor as people moved about. Few words were shared, only for those who had lost someone tonight. Still, in disbelief about what had happened, they all disapparated, leaving Dumbledore and the five fighters behind. Dumbledore took the Longbottoms into another room, leaving Lily and the remaining Marauders to wait. They sat in silence, the seconds ticking by agonizingly slow.

A black bear appeared then, the sight Lily now loved so much. She heard Severus' speak, words only she could hear, relaying that he was safe and that he was home. Lily visibly relaxed then, drawing a suspicious stare from Sirius. "Who was that, then?"

She sat up straighter in her chair. "It's no one." She looked down at her nails which had been chewed almost to the quick. Normally Sirius would have fought for an answer but not after the events of tonight, he didn't have it in him.

"There was this Death Eater chasing me." Sirius started. "He kept missing." He chuckled. "I don't know what's up with Voldy's followers. I hit him straight on and it didn't even faze him."

"Where did you hit him?" Lily asked.

"I don't know, leg I think."

Lily wanted to laugh at Sirius seeming fear of the untouchable Death Eater. "I guess you need to work on your spell work." She joked.

"Hey!-" Sirius started before he was cut off by the clearing of Dumbledore's throat.

"We found Pettigrew."Dumbledore took a seat again.

"Where? Is he okay?" Remus asked.

"If you consider dangling on the arm of Lord Voldemort to be okay, then yes."

"No." Sirius shook his head. "Peter wouldn't do that."

"I wish I could agree with you." Dumbledore sighed. "He's already passed on some vital information."

"What kind of spy do you have? How do we know they're telling the truth?" Sirius' voice began to rise.

"I'm more than satisfied with their capabilities. It is imperative that you have no contact with Pettigrew. The information he gave to Lord Voldemort has already endangered several lives. Having any contact with him will get you kicked out of the Order and you'll receive potential charges for conspiring with the enemy. Understood?"

Sirius nodded sadly. "Yes, Sir."

Beside him, Remus looked grim. "He's an animagus, Sir, a rat."

"Ah…that explains quite a bit, thank you." He shook his head in disappointment.

"Now, Lily. Have you talked with Sirius yet?"

Her face flushed. "No, I wasn't planning on doing this today…" She was irritated that Dumbledore had brought it up. Sirius looked at her curiously.

"It's my suggestion that you let him in on all of it. I'd like to place him and Remus as your protection."

She knew Severus would be furious about the very idea of Sirius of all people being let in on their secret but the Headmaster had a point.

Sirius looked between them. "What's going on?

The three of them watched as Dumbledore performed a series of spells, checking for anyone who could be listening in and placing a ward so that they couldn't. When the check was completed Lily exhaled deeply, she hadn't been prepared for this forced revelation. She began relaying the events of the past few months for what she hoped was the last time. At the very mention of Severus, Sirius began to grow furious. He lashed out at her. "Are you that stupid, Lily? How could you do this? How could you do this to James?"

"Would you shut up about James?!" She fired back. "You aren't my father, Sirius Black! You better get used to it because he isn't going anywhere. He told me the things you did to him, you know, all those things you tried to keep a secret from me."

Sirius scoffed. "I'm sure they were lies."

"So you didn't actually send him to see Remus during his transformation?" Remus paled and Sirius went speechless. "I don't care what your excuses are. You need to start giving him credit. Can I trust you with the rest of the information? You won't go spewing it to everyone you meet?"

"No, I won't." His voice was quieter now. "Why do you need protection?"

She bit her lip and looked to Dumbledore for help. He pushed her forward with a nod. "I'm pregnant and Voldemort would kill my baby if he found out." She felt like she was saying it for the millionth time.

"Those were his boots I saw then, weren't they?"

His response threw her off, she hadn't been expecting that. "Y-yes."

"He was there?"

"He was...I love him, Sirius, he's a good guy. You just need to give him a chance and I'll convince him to do the same."

"Isn't he a Death Eater?"

She sighed, she'd been waiting for this. "He was." She looked at Dumbledore again. "He's the spy…he's the one who kept 'missing' you tonight."

"How do you know?" He said skeptically.

"It sounds like you hit him in his prosthetic."

"What? He has a fake leg?" Remus blurt suddenly.

"THAT'S what you got out of all this?" Sirius asked.

Remus' face began turning beet red.

"…You already knew everything else, didn't you?"

He shrugged. "It wasn't my secret to tell."

"Will you help us?" Lily asked, breaking up the impending argument.

"Hell…" Sirius started. "Why do you have to make everything so difficult?"

She smiled. "Is that a yes?"

"Fine." He grumbled. "But I'm not happy about it!"

"Duly noted." She smiled softly at him and was surprised to see him smile back. She turned to spoke to Dumbledore again. "You get to break the news to Sev, he wants to speak with you anyway."

"I guess I do deserve that." He smiled slightly for the first time that evening, a bit of the twinkle returning to his eyes. "The other reason I kept you here Lily was to let you know I've found something for you to do. We'll be needing new headquarters locations, I'd appreciate it if you could find some for us."

"Absolutely, Sir." She smiled, happy to have something to do to help the war effort.

"That's all we have left to speak about this evening. Would you mind taking me along to your new place so that I may speak with Severus?"

Lily nodded and stood from her chair. Sirius spoke up as they prepared to leave. "Can we come as well?"

"Sure, but you might be murdered." She was only half joking, Severus was going to be furious. The four of them joined hands, led by Lily. They landed on a patch of grass stretched out in front of a small home. A large tree hung partly over the house, shading it. Inside, some of the lights were on.

"Where are we?" Remus asked

"Ireland." Lily replied simply as she approached the door. She aimed her wand at the knob and heard the lock click. She pushed the door open. "Stay here for a minute." She directed, stepping inside. "Sev?"

"In here." Called his monotone voice. She followed the sound of it down the hall and found him at the desk in their bedroom. She rushed over to him, planting an urgent kiss on his lips. "I'm so glad you're safe. Dumbledore's here, he wanted to speak with you. Before you get angry, I want you to know none of this was my idea." She looked at the parchment in front of him and saw he was working on Yaxley's spell.

"What are you talking about?" He asked with a frown As he followed her from their room with a limp. She gestured out the open door for the men to come in and they did before sitting on the couch, exhausted

"Oh, hell no. What is Black doing here?"

Lily helped up her hands in defense. "He and Remus are going to protect us."

Severus opened his mouth to make some smart retort but the glre on Lily's face told him not to. Instead, he reached out a welcoming hand. "Good fighting out there, Black." He spat out the compliment though it tasted bitter on his tongue.

Sirius took his hand, giving it a curt shake. "I can't say the same, work on your aim."

Severus gave him a mocking smile. "If you prefer I hit you instead-"

"Stop." Lily commanded and they shut their mouths, each taking a seat. Severus sat beside her, wrapping her hand in his.

"How are you?" Dumbledore asked. "Were you hurt at all?"

"Nearly." Severus glared at Sirius across the room. "No, I'm fine."

"And the Minister?"

"I'm afraid I can't say the same for him. Mulciber no longer does the torturing, not after…my hospital stay." He cleared his throat, avoiding Sirius' eyes. "The Dark Lord is the one in charge of it all now. He has more control, he knows how to inflict pain. If Minchum even survives…I don't know what kind of shape he'll be in. It doesn't look good."

"They're going to kill him then?"

"Eventually I'm sure they will. For now, he's to be used as a negotiating strategy."

"Where is he being held?"

"Headquarters."

"Give us the address then, we'll go get him." Sirius interrupted.

Severus shook his head in irritation. "It's not that simple. It's protected under a fidelius charm, I couldn't give the location if I tried."

"What about the Death Eaters? How many did they lose?" Dumbledore regained control of the conversation.

"I don't know. The Dark Lord prefers to keep that information a secret, pretends that it doesn't exist. It looks better to his fighters, makes them believe no one died."

"And you didn't notice anyone missing?"

"No, we were all still masked and there's too many of us to notice if a few were gone."

"Was Peter there?" Remus asked sadly.

Severus regarded him for a minute. "At headquarters, yes, I don't think he fought. Voldemort is still trying to keep him a secret." He turned back to Dumbledore. "Nearly all of us were there, even those that don't usually fight. He needed all the bodies he could get. How did the Order come out?"

Dumbledore sighed. "We lost three. I'm still waiting on the official count of muggles. The Ministry will be out all night trying to rectify everything. I imagine the muggle news will claim it was a gas leak."

"He's getting more reckless, I haven't seen any behavior like this from him before. I think the prophecy scares him."

"Good, it gives us one advantage. The Longbottoms have been informed."

The five of them sat in silence, overwhelmed by everything that had happened, all the deaths. So much information had been shared between them that night.

"What kind of protection are Sirius and Remus going to provide us?" Severus asked, breaking the spell.

"A patrol of sorts. I haven't gone over the details with them but I was hoping to have them take shifts watching over the house if needs be."

"I'll take all the help we can get." Severus' said, surprising everyone. He'd never been one to ask for help.

"Lily asked me to clarify it was my idea to bring Sirius into all this."

Severus was silent, still not happy about the presence of a man he hated in his home.

"You two need to work things out." Lily interjected and Severus wanted to fight back. Instead, he nodded. They were her friends now and they were there to help whether he liked it or not. He'd never understand what she saw in any of them but he didn't voice his opinion.

"That severing charm, did it hurt you?" Sirius asked. Severus wasn't sure what answer he wanted to hear.

"You sliced through a nice pair of pants, otherwise no."

"Good…good…"

Dumbledore stood then. "Well, if that'll be all, I need to meet with the authorities and return to the school." He looked weary at the mere thought of the long night ahead. Remus and Sirius agreed they'd better go and they bid their farewells.

Severus and Lily were left in the quiet company of each other.

"Never fight again." She mumbled as she curled into him on the couch.

"If it was up to me you know I wouldn't."

"Are you okay after all that? Your back still looks terrible, it looks like someone beat you with a bat."

"Feels like it too. You know what would make me feel better?" He trailed a finger gently up her arm, giving her the chills."

"I'm sure I have no idea." She smirked back.

"Join me in the tub. We haven't been able to enjoy each other much lately."

"Gladly, Mr. Snape."

He leaned her gently back on the couch, pressing his lips to every inch of her skin and slowly making his way under her clothes. He tried to pull off her robes but she pushed his hands away, making him wait. She wriggled out from beneath him and led him teasingly to the bathroom where she turned the faucet. Listening to the running water they began to undress.

Severus stepped inside first, laying against the cold ceramic. Lily couldn't help but notice how marked he still was, even in the darkness it was obvious. She ignored it, now wasn't the time and slipped into the bathtub after him. She sat between his legs so that the back of her head rested on his chest. Putting his arms around her he placed his hands on her stomach that was beginning to grow ever so slightly. She closed her eyes and relaxed, lifting up and down as his chest rose and fell with each breath. They were both overly fatigued and the dark room and warm water only made it worse. All interest in sex had disappeared. As the water cooled they pulled their sleepy bodies from the water and toweled off. They climbed into the warm, heavily blanketed bed. Naked bodies together they fell quickly to sleep.


	13. I Wanna Get Better

**I Wanna Get Better - Bleachers**

Xxxx

He hadn't been home in some time. The majority of his belongings had been moved to Lily's place and now to their home together. There simply hadn't been a need to go back. Now, stepping through his front door he found letters piled up from the mail slot. He picked up the stack of envelopes, sorting through them absentmindedly as he walked slowly into the house. His thoughts were elsewhere, on Lily, on being home, anywhere but here. He stopped in his tracks at the cramped writing adorning one of the envelopes.  _"_ Cokeworth Prison." He muttered to himself, tearing through the paper. The date in the top corner indicated it had been sent just over two weeks ago. He scanned the letter, confirming his suspicions. Tobias Snape passed away from liver failure on the 15th of December. He'd been buried in a pauper's grave at the prison. The authorities had tried to visit several times before informing Severus through the mail. Severus merely tossed it in the trash with a grumble. The man didn't deserve his sympathy.

Despite pretending that the death hadn't affected him, his sour mood was exacerbated. He'd been the one to suggest their current living arrangement but that didn't mean he had to be happy about it. It was easier when she'd lived just down the street, he could keep an eye on his decoy home. Now, living so far away, things had to change. They had both reluctantly agreed he'd spend a couple nights a week here. It'd provide memories if Voldemort should need them for any reason and prevent any suspicion if someone came to call. Meanwhile Remus and Sirius would guard the Ireland house, and Lily, in shifts. Although he'd always preferred to be on his own, Lily had always been the exception. Without her here the whole thing was terribly depressing.

The absence of other humans, however, provided the time Severus needed to finish working on the spell. He flipped through the pages of his Latin book angrily, remembering how his father had ridiculed him for studying such a thing. He scanned the pages, looking for the right words. Writing down dozens of potential combinations he began pairing them with wand movements. He'd been repeating this routine since his release from the hospital.

It'd only been three days since the kidnapping of the Minister of Magic. Voldemort had quickly taken credit for the attack and agreed to release him if stronger measures were taken against muggles and muggleborns. The wizarding government had scrambled to find something else to appease him and get the Minister back safely but had failed thus far. Severus had noticed Lord Voldemort's careful wording in the Daily Prophet. He'd promised Harold Minchum to return alive but not once had he mentioned the condition the Minister may be in. Wherever the man was being held, the Death Eaters hadn't been allowed to see him. He was The Dark Lord's personal pet. Even his beloved Bellatrix hadn't been allowed near the man.

Xxxx

Lily hated the separation just as much, if not more. She'd found a job at a local floral shop but was otherwise surrounded by people she didn't know. She didn't like her friends keeping watch outside her home. It felt selfish that they should protect her. They were far away from any of the dangers England held but they weren't taking any chances. Peter was still out there and heaven forbid he found out where they lived.

Her days without Severus dragged by. When she wasn't at work she was locked in the house, forbidden to wander. She was already bored senseless with many months, if not years, of this to come. She sighed into her tea, watching Sirius through the front window as he headed back to the house for lunch, it was the least she could for them.

He pushed open the front door with a smile plastered to his face. She knew he hated being here just as much as she but she was thankful he pushed through. It was her first day without Severus, first day with a warden. Sirius plunked down in the chair across from her, mulling over something as he chewed.

"I still don't know how all this happened, how you could-"

"Drop it, Sirius." She said sternly. She'd heard enough dribble from him about Severus over the years.

"I'm just saying I expected life to go differently, for both of us."

"Are you still with Marlene?"

He shrugged half heartedly. "You could say that."

Lily nodded and they settled into an awkward silence.

….

"What do you see in him? Snape?"

"Did you ever  _try_ to see anything in him?"

Sirius fidgeted in his seat. "Other than the obvious, no. You can't tell me now that he's not dark."

"He's not anymore. People make mistakes, Sirius. He regrets it everyday, I can see it."

"Has he ever killed anyone?"

She shook her head adamantly. "No, in fact his injury was  _because_  he didn't kill Remus. I need you to drop this ridiculous fued."

"I'll try, Lily, I will. But I'm here for you and no one else. I can't just forget our history. We did some messed up things, I get that, but Snape isn't innocent either."

"I know, all I ask is that you try. You don't need to be friends but you can't be at each other's throats. Just remember you're on the same side, fighting for the same thing."

Xxxx

Towards the end of January, word came that the Ministry had reached a deal with Lord Voldemort. The news came to Severus first through Lord Voldemort. Several muggleborns had been rounded up to be exchanged for the Minister. The Dark Lord scoffed at the small offering. He could kill dozens of lesser witches and wizards anytime he wanted, with their growing popularity they weren't hard to find. The deal was dropped to be replaced with another. Under a new law, muggleborns would be subject to testing to verify their magic wasn't stolen before being sent to Hogwarts. The statue of secrecy was also to be diminished. Small instances of magic that were easily explained would be allowed in front of muggles. While still subject to a trial if caught, the punishment was minor if given at all. Lord Voldemort had begrudgingly agreed to the pact but only if the original deal was included. To save their country, the Ministry of Magic was forced to agree.

On January 28th, Yaxley was dispatched to return the minister and pick up the women. He disapparated to the neutral ground that had previously been decided. Harold was limp in his arms, he would have fallen to the ground if Yaxley hadn't been supporting him. The man had more cuts and bruises than healthy skin. He had been in a curse induced stupor since his capture and now was slowly losing his mind. Yaxley approached the waiting auror carefully. There were other Death Eaters nearby, despite the government's request. Yaxley could have them by his side in a moment's notice if everything went sour.

"What did you do to him?" The auror practically shouted at the sight of the Minister.

"Only what he deserved." Yaxley snarled back though the look in his eyes betrayed him.

Yaxley shoved the dazed and beaten man forward. He stumbled and fell into the auror's arms who nearly missed catching him. The auror cocked his head to the side, indicating that Yaxley could collect the women who were bound and waiting for him.

"How do I know they aren't under polyjuice." His wand was gripped tightly in his fist.

The auror shrugged. "We can wait an hour if you really want to see."

Before Yaxley could respond he was hit by a petrification spell and crumpled to the ground. Death Eaters appeared around them all, thirsty for revenge. They advanced on the multiplying aurors when suddenly everything went cold. The grass was tipped with white frost and gray clouds began to roll in. Their breaths became visible in front of them in the change of temperature.

"Dementors" Came a dread filled voice to Yaxley's left. Without waiting for an official sighting the Death Eaters began apparating away, deathly afraid of receiving the kiss.

A hand grasped Yaxley by the robes, yanking him along the disapparation. He was placed in a cell by himself and instructed to wait. Yaxley leaned back into the wall, closing his eyes.

"Corban? Yaxley?"

His eyes snapped open and he stood from the bench he'd been occupying. The cell door was slid open and Yaxley walked calmly behind the auror as he was led down a hallway into an interrogation room. He was invited to take a seat and did.

"Thank you for your cooperation, Corban. Minchum is in rough shape, things don't look good but he's receiving the best care available. Now, what  _was_ that spell you used?"

"It belongs to a dear friend of mine, created for just this purpose."

"Well, it seems to have done it's job. You did well pretending to be petrified."

"I'll quit my day job and become an actor."

"Oh, no. We have much bigger plans for you. I was told you're an accomplished occlumens, correct?"

"Yes, sir. I actually need some help in that department. When I stage my escape I need to have memories prepared for Lord Voldemort."

"In other words, you  _want_ to be treated like a prisoner?"

"More like I need to be, but you get the point."

The auror stood, shaking his head as he drew his wand and conjured a bind to attach Yaxley to the table. "Where is he?! Where is your "Dark Lord" hiding?!"

"His name isn't good enough to grace your lips? His location is not important…"

Xxxx

Severus was shaken awake that evening in his Cokeworth home when his mark burned black, searing into his skin. The pain was of an intensity Severus had never felt from the Dark Lord and he stumbled around ungracefully as he pulled on his robes and mask before disapparating on unsteady feet. This time, Voldemort was waiting for them in the interrogation room. He'd seen no point in theatrics today. The fear and anger in the room was palpable as Death Eaters coward before a furious Voldemort.

"How could you let them go?!" The Dark Lord roared at the Death Eaters who had accompanied Yaxley.

"My Lord." One of the Carrows squeaked. "They were armed with Dementors, they were coming for us. We had to run or risk being kissed." Amycus' body made a loud crack as it connected with the floor from Voldemort's spell.

"Anyone else want to tell me lies?!"

"M-my Lord, he speaks the truth. They came prepared. The Dementors came at us from all sides."

"The Dementors don't leave Azkaban!"

 _Crack_  another body hit the floor.

"There will be no more excuses! What happened out there?!" Not waiting for an answer, Voldemort grabbed the collar of a masked Death Eater, forcing himself into his mind, into his memories. The room held it's breath as Voldemort watched the night unfold. When he was finished he let go of the cloth suddenly, causing the man to fall.

"Out! Everyone out!"

They fought to escape from the room, forcing themselves through the door in a rush to escape his rath. Severus was among them. By the time he made it outside he was gasping for air and had a pronounced limp. He stumbled on the spot and disapparated. He arrived inside his home, eliciting a terrified, blood curdling scream from Lily. He cursed himself, realizing then he hadn't removed the mask.

"Lily! Lily! It's me, I'm sorry."

"What the hell was that for?!" Her hand was still placed on her pounding heart.

"A mad dash to get away from the Dark Lord, I didn't think about my disguise." He drew his wand, firing off a patronus to Dumbledore.

"What happened? Are you okay?" Her voice dripped with worry.

"I'm fine, some others might not be able to say the same." A knock sounded at the door and Severus was grateful Dumbledore had arrived so soon. He hobbled over to the door, pulling it open. Some of his hair was plastered to his face from sweat and his breaths were still shallow as he invited the Headmaster in.

"Ah, I see Voldemort learned of the plan."

"And almost killed all of us in the process! What happened?"

Dumbledore took a seat. "I found Yaxley a way out. The whole drop off was a set up. Your spell was what cinched it all."

"I got that much but I still don't understand."

"The auror performing the trade off pretended to petrify Yaxley. From the ground Yaxley cast your new spell and once the Death Eaters were gone they all returned back to the Ministry."

Severus shook his head. "He won't make it out of this alive, if you thought Voldemort was angry before…"

"That's not all."

Severus groaned, holding his head in his hands.

"The remainder of the deal is off as well, there will be no changes to Hogwarts admittance or the statue of secrecy."

"Heads will roll for this. He's going to be even more vengeful."

"We're prepared for when that happens, unfortunately I can't share those details with you yet. What I can tell you is that in a few days, Yaxley will be released under the guise of an escape. He comes armed with memories seemingly proving his dedication to Voldemort."

Severus shook his head. "You may have doomed us all with this one."

"Deaths are a necessary part of war, Severus."

"You shouldn't be fueling the fire."

"Are you telling me Minchum was better off in Voldemort's hands?"

"Yes, actually. The Dark Lord will have seen to it that he didn't survive long after the trade. Either way the Minister would have died. Now promises Voldemort expected the Ministry to uphold have been broken…promises that never should have been made in the first place."

"Your irritation shouldn't be with me, Severus. I wasn't a part of this deal."

Severus scoffed. "You're always meddling in something. You only would have made it worse."

Dumbledore stood then. "I see your attitude has returned. Contact me when you can speak reasonably." He disapparated from the room without another word.

Lily entered then, as Severus chucked a pillow across the room. She hung back, unwilling to approach him. His temper had been flaring recently and she didn't care to be on the receiving end.

"Isn't that glass dry by now?" Severus indicated the cup she'd been absentmindedly "drying" since Dumbledore arrived. She blushed and put it and the towel down. She made her way to him tentatively and sat beside him. She kept her body to herself, wanting to reach out to him but almost afraid to do so. With a large intake of breath she placed her hand on Severus' thigh. He flinched as her skin brushed his pants and she quickly withdrew.

"It's worse again, isn't it?"

Severus didn't say anything, only continued to stare at the floor in front of them.

"Sev…you need to figure this out. Can't you ask Mulciber about the spells?"

He shook his head.

"…Can you talk to me?"

He sighed sadly. "What do you want me to say?"

"Come on, let me take care of you." She helped him stand and walk the short distance to their bedroom. He sat slowly on the mattress, utterly defeated, and embarrassed for needing her. He closed his eyes, unwilling to see the look on her face when she saw how bad things had gotten. He grit his teeth as she slid the sleeves of his robes down his arms and off his body. He heard the sharp intake of breath and knew she'd noticed.

"Lets…let's get you into the tub. It'll help." She left to run the tap, filling up the tub with warm water before returning to fetch Severus. As he stood she helped him from his pants and prosthetic. He leaned on her as he stumbled to the bathroom. She tried to touch as little skin as possible, afraid of hurting him. He stepped into the warm water and sunk below so that just his head was above the surface. She grabbed a container from above the bathroom sink and began sprinkling it's contents into the water.

"What are you doing?"

"Making you feel better."

"Lils, nothing helps, I've tried it all."

"No, you've tried all the wizarding methods. It's time you gave the muggle ones a try."

He didn't fight her, just closed his eyes and tried to relax. She undressed quickly, flicked out the lights, and slipped in beside him, careful not to touch anything. Even in the darkness she could see the black tendrils that ran along his skin, the blotching of burst blood vessels, and perhaps worst of all, the blisters. That's what was new. They covered nearly every inch of his body, sparing only his face and hands. She didn't know how he had done  _anything_ today. The mere brush of her fingers on his skin had caused him to jump.

"It's not fair." He said suddenly.

"I know, ba-"

"After  _everything_ I've been through I thought I would have hit my quota for a crappy existence. Why me? Why on top of everything else did this have to happen too?"

"Sev…" She said pitifully.

"No, you don't get it. I know you try but everything has always been easy for you. Everything hurts before I even wake up in the mornings. Do you know how disappointing it is to open your eyes and realize you have to make it through another day? Then another and another. Before I even get out of bed I'm worrying about how I'll make it through the day and looking forward to the time I'll sleep again which comes with a whole other set of problems."

She reached out of the water, rubbing her hand on his cheek, the one section of skin she dared to touch.

"I just wish things could be easy for once, that I'd get a break. Anytime things seem to be going good they come back even worse and I'm just done with all of it. How am I going to live another 10, 20, 30 plus years like this when I don't even want to live one more day?"

"It won't always be like this, things will get better."

He shifted his head side to side. "I wish I could believe you."


	14. Coming Up For Air

**Coming Up for Air - Signals in Smoke**

Xxxx

He peered up from a crack in one of the baseboard at the people towering over him, at the people who had no clue he was there. He could recognize some of them from where he sat, The cunt, Sirius was most notable with his long black hair and better than thou expressions. Lily was there as well and he was surprised to see her dressed in baggy robes instead of her usual, trampy, tight fitting ones. He pressed his ear to the crack in an attempt to hear the conversation more clearly.

"…will be held in Sherwood Forest tomorrow evening."

"What if You-Know-Who finds out?" Asked a voice he didn't recognize.

Dumbledore laughed heartily. "Lord Voldemort is no one to fear. His followers are easily cowed which will serve in our favor."

He wrinkled his nose in annoyance and shifted his feet on the cold floor, agitated. Dumbledore concluded the meeting and chairs began to scratch against the floor as the occupants stood. Small talk began to emerge as the Order members mingled with one another. He pulled back from his listening hole and scampered to the exit. He took off into the night, cold grass against his fleshy paws until the house and the Order were out of sight. He transformed out of his animagus form and disapparated.

He arrived in front of the beloved warehouse, one of the only places in the world he felt wanted. He slipped through the heavy door, listening to it thump closed behind him. He made his way to the interrogation room where Lord Voldemort was waiting for him. Snape had informed them of the meeting that would be taking place this evening and the Dark Lord had sent his willing servant to do his bidding.

"Ah, Pettigrew." The shrill voice spoke at the sight of the hunched over man. The disgust on his face was evident.

"My Lord." Peter spoke eagerly. "There's to be an event in the Sherwood Forest. The old codger has requested all available Order members to assist him." He beamed as he passed the information.

Voldemort smirked back. "Very good, Pettigrew. If things go well we will have to reevaluate your position. Was the information provided by Snape accurate?"

"Yes, my Lord. They seem to have decided Dumbledore's house was safe once more."

"Faking your death was a wise decision."

"Yes, my Lord." He beamed, pleased with the information he could share. "Dumbledore doesn't believe you'll show, that you're harmless."

The Dark Lord chuckled mirthlessly. "We'll just have to prove him wrong, won't we?"

Xxxx

Lily arrived home late that evening. As she turned to hang her cloak she saw Severus out of the corner of her eye, leaning into the nearby doorway. The anticipation and worry on his face was obvious despite his attempt to hide it. The black sleeves of his robes were pushed up just below his elbows. His overly fair skin was visible along with the lack of marks that covered it. The bruising and sores had diminished over the last few weeks as he allowed her to help. Now the only visible scarring was unrelated. His dark hair had a greasy sheen from potion steam. She couldn't help but smile at the fact he was coming back to himself. The depression that had taken hold of him was beginning to lift. It was the best he'd been, mentally and physically, since they'd reconnected.

She approached, assuring him the meeting had gone well, everything was falling into place. Leaning into his chest with her arms wrapped behind his neck she inhaled the earthy scent of his skin. Severus' hands wandered down her sides, making their way down her waist and low back. He grabbed ahold of the billowing fabric, edging it upwards as his hands found their way underneath. She could feel the bulge in his pants pressing against her thigh and a wetness pooled between her legs in response. They began undressing each other there, in the middle of the room. They were too starved for intimacy after having gone so long without it.

Their skin was on each other, pressing into one another, both needing more. He was tall and lanky although some parts had filled out more than others. In comparison she was shorter. Her chest was swollen and the skin over her abdomen was taut with growth. Below, her slender legs met his, skin against plastic. She was pushed into the wall as his lips trailed her body, leaving goosebumps in their wake. Suddenly he was in and their moans filled the room.

Xxxx

They laid in red that night intertwined with one another, legs knotted together and fingers wrapped around one another. The night outside was quiet, only the wind disrupting their thoughts as they laughed with one another about the small things. Severus told her about some of the students he watched over and the idiotic things they did. So many of them were incapable of seeing the consequences to their actions and he was legitimately surprised no one had ended up dead.

"Are there any promising students?" She asked truthfully, urging him to see past the bad.

His lips formed a thin line in thought for a moment before he responded. "The Lockhart boy shows some promise, though he's too concerned about what everyone thinks of him to produce anything worthwhile."

"Gilderoy? The little blonde boy a few years behind us?"

Severus nodded. "He's a fifth year now, though I doubt he'll continue with potions, it's a shame really."

"Is it strange teaching people we knew?"

"A bit…they recognize me of course but it's been fairly easy to remind them who's in charge." He turned to her. Even in the dim candle light she could see the coldness in his eyes, the irritation and disappointment emanating from his very being. His lips had formed into a scowl. She knew he'd done it to make her laugh but it was a look she had received from him after their falling out in fifth year and it unnerved her even then. She spoke quickly to change the subject.

"Maybe one day you'll take over for Slughorn completely."

"Merlin, no…of course that might not be my decision…"

"Voldemort?" She asked, suddenly serious. She had grown used to the name but it still elicited a fear inside her. "What's it like working for him?"

"Like you'd expect I suppose. Everything must be done his way, there's no defying him. Those red eyes…they bore through you like nothing else."

"It's true then? Many of us have never actually seen him before."

"His appearance is completely Inhuman. It adds to his intimidation."

"Was he always like that? Cold and calculating?" Her fingers trailed his chest.

"No, when he looks for recruits he's a whole other person. He's warm and manipulative. He makes you believe he can truly help you if you join him."

"But of course it isn't true."

"No, not at all. Why the sudden Interest in what I do?" She'd never asked him about it before.

"I've always been curious, I just didn't feel it was appropriate to ask. Now, with his defeat nearing-"

"Don't be so optimistic."

"If this plan works we'll be so much closer."

"If the plan works, we'll be lucky."

Xxxx

Remus shifted in his robes for the millionth time, checking that his wand was still there. It was hidden in his sleeve, ready to slide into his hand at a moment's notice. His heart beat fiercely in his chest. They would be lucky if all of them survived the night. He looked over his shoulder at Sirius who was standing several meters to his left. They gave a nod of assurance to one another and he faced forward again with the comfort he wasn't alone here, hidden in the trees.

The sound of apparitions filled the forest all at once. Dozens of Death Eaters stood on the leaf littered ground, peering into the woods around them. Spells shot from all directions as the Order members rushed forward. An antiapparition ward was placed around them, trapping everyone and only Dumbledore could lift it. Voldemort's fighters began to panic as their comrades fell around them, bound. They were conflicted between fighting back and freeing each other for back up. The sky was filled with the light of curses, coming from both sides.

Remus ducked below a particularly nasty green light and watched has his fellow Order members began to fall. Sirius was hit with a tripping jinx and landed with a loud thud. Remus responded with a silent expelliarmus and watched satisfyingly as the Death Eater's wand flew towards him. Through the crowd he saw someone familiar, too familiar. He would never forget the sniveling form of Peter, even when it was disguised like tonight. Remus darted through the trees in an effort to reach him. He stopped behind a particularly thick trunk. His breath came out heavily and he paused to collect himself. Gulping in air, he left the safety of the tree, wand out. Before a spell even formed in his mouth he hit the ground.

He was petrified, staring up into the night sky. The only thing allowed movement were his eyes. Peter appeared above him then, mask gone. He smiled devilishly as he spoke. "Remus, my old friend."

Remus stared back at the man's yellowed teeth and pockmarked skin in disgust. He struggled against the spell keeping him down, he fought to kick, punch, bite, anything to hurt the man taunting him. Peter dragged the wand that was still clasped in Remus' hand and tossed it into the woods. "Good luck." He grinned.

"Hey! Wormy!" Sirius taunted.

Peter's head snapped to look for the new voice. In that moment Remus felt the spell lift from the new comer. He laid still, waiting for the right moment to strike.

"Accio Remus' wand!" Sirius called and Pettigrew stood up quickly. In his distraction he received a swift kick to the knee, sending him to the ground with a cry of pain. Remus scrambled to his feet as Sirius approached and tossed him his wand. Remus watched the satisfaction on the other man's face as ropes shot from the end of his wand, ensnaring the rat like man and petrifying him with another wave of his wand. Remus took Pettigrew's wand and stuffed it into his own pocket.

"Go check if they're ready, I'll keep an eye on the scum." Sirius nodded and dashed out of sight. Remus propped a foot on top of Peter, grinding his heel in slightly.

"Dumbledore just gave the signal, help me lift him." Sirius said, jogging back. They each took an end of Peter, carrying him back to the heart of the battle which was now filled with aurors. They'd been there all along, biding their time and shooting spells from where they were hidden. The aurors and Order combined had been able to take down a fair number of Death Eaters, considering they were out numbered.

Sirius signaled an auror and they dropped Peter to the ground. The antiapparition ward was lifted then as each auror grabbed hold of a Death Eater and disapparated. The only ones that remained were the cowardly Death Eaters who had opted to hide rather than fight. They returned to their master, disgraced and at a number much smaller than they had arrived. The Order collected their injured and headed for the predetermined location.

Xxxx

Lily and Alice sat in the meeting building with a few of the others. Lily bounced her legs anxiously, worried it would be Remus or Sirius who turned up hurt…or worse. At the sound of the arrival of the fighters the proxy healers stood.

"Lily!" Remus called and Lily turned to find him. "We got him, Lily!" Remus' short brown curls hung in his face, damp with sweat. He broke into a broad smile and hugged Lily tightly. "They caught Peter."

"You're okay…you're okay…" Her hands brushed over his body, checking for wounds.

He pushed her off. "I'm fine, Sirius is too." He gestured across the room. "Other's aren't so lucky." His smiled turned grim. "We lost Marlene…I don't think Sirius has heard yet."

Lily looked over at the man who was smiling and laughing over that night's events. It certainly wasn't the response of someone who had just lost their girlfriend. "What happened?"

"I don't know, I didn't see it. I only saw Dodge collect her before we came here."

"Who else?"

"I think only one more but I didn't see who it was."

Lily sighed heavily. "Thanks, Rem." She left then and approached Emmeline Vance who was laid on a nearby table with a rather nasty gash in her arm. Lily hovered above her, chanting one of the few healing charms she had been taught before tonight. She was unpracticed and inexperienced but slowly the cut began to close. She went from fighter to fighter, helping tend to the minor wounds while the more serious ones would be sent to St. Mungo's. They were lucky to have come out as well as they did. Five received minor injuries and only one was sent to the hospital with head trauma. She weaved her way through the people filling the small room, in search of Sirius before an official meeting was called.

"Sirius." She tugged on his robes. "I need to talk to you."

"Merlin, Lily –"

"It's important."

The hard stare in her eyes made him follow. "We'll speak later, Arthur." He concluded before being swept into the next room. "What's going on?"

Lily took in a large breath, remembering when they'd been on the other side of this conversation, when Sirius had broken the news to her about James, confirming what she had seen. "It's Marlene."

"What? Is she okay? Where is she?"

Lily gave a curt nod of her head. "No, Sirius, she's-"

"No…no…she can't be" His face was filled with horror.

Instinctively she wrapped her arms around him and held him tight. "She's gone, Sirius."

For a moment she didn't know if he had heard her when suddenly his body began to shake in her arms.

"We…we were going to move in together…we had so many plans."

"I know…I know…"

He pulled back from her, raking his fingers through his hair before balling his hands into fists and sending one through a nearby wall. Lily flinched at his anger and watched him sink into a chair despondently. "I'll find Remus." She spoke quietly and slipped through the door. It didn't take her long to find him talking with Frank Longbottom. At the look in her eyes he knew she had broken the news.

"He's in the first bedroom." Lily interrupted and Remus nodded sadly. He ended the conversation and slipped out of the room.

Lily sat down numbly. The people around her were so unaware of what had happened, that anyone had died. Dumbledore called for their attention then and the voices wound down. Bodies moved around the room in search of a seat and all eyes fell on the Headmaster.

"We were able to apprehend quite a few Death Eaters tonight." The Order members cheered in unison. "But we lost a few of our own. Caradoc Dearborn and Marlene McKinnon unfortunately didn't make it back." A sense of melancholy appeared over the previously happy crowd. "Let us remember them and how they helped us destabilize Lord Voldemort. Their efforts will not be forgotten." The members murmured agreements. "In other news, our dear Minister continues to improve and they hope to release him next week. Its unlikely that he will return to his position in the Ministry. Nevertheless, he is alive and that alone is cause for celebration. Now, return to your families, be with your loved ones, we know too well how quickly it can be cut short."

Lily stood and made her way to where Remus and Sirius were still recuperating. She opened the door and found Sirius much calmer than she had left him though his eyes were still puffy and rimmed in red. She sat next to him, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Will you be okay?"

He smiled weakly. "Eventually."

She nodded, knowing all too well how it felt. "I still haven't gone through James' things. He's been gone a year and a half and yet, even though I've moved on, I can't bare to get rid of anything. It's hard, Sirius, and it sucks even now but at least I have all these things I can remember him buy."

"I still can't believe Prongs is gone." He looked at Remus. "It's just you and I left."

"After tonight, we're one step closer to being done with all of this. Nothing sure as hell better happen to either of you." She glared at them, as if that would prevent their deaths.

"We've got each other, for now that'll have to do." Remus responded. "Sirius is coming home with me tonight."

"Good." She nodded happily. "Now isn't the time to be alone."

Xxxx

Severus stared down at his arm, the mark that tainted it. He didn't know if he should expect it to burn. It was almost midnight, the ambush had stared at 8, surely it was over by now. For once he wasn't worried about Lily. She was only there to help the others, she wouldn't be in harms way. Yet it still came as a relief when she came home.

"What happened?" He asked eagerly as soon as she appeared.

"They caught twenty one Death Eaters tonight, Pettigrew was among them."

"And they know he's an animagus?"

"Oh yes, there will be no chance of him escaping. Why are you still here? I thought he would have called you?"

Severus swallowed. "So did I. Either he doesn't yet know the extent of tonight or he doesn't want to share the information. I'm voting for the second one, he never lets us in on the aftermaths of attacks unless they're good."

"What do you think will happen?"

"He'll be scared, that's for certain. I don't expect him to make a move anytime soon, not when he's lost so many followers."

"It's already February, July is growing closer, along with his downfall."

"We can only hope it happens sooner rather than later. At least we've dismantled his support."


	15. Hurts Like Hell

**Hurts like Hell - Fleurie**

Xxxx

The heat of the mark awoke him. As he opened his bleary eyes he could feel Lily cuddled up next to him under the mountain of blankets. He was blissfully happy where he was and slipped gently out of the bed in irritation. Lily moved slightly at the absence of him but didn't wake and he breathed a sigh of relief.  _Of course he had to pick tonight._ Severus had spent the last two in Cokeworth and it seemed he was being ripped out of this shared night with Lily too. He glanced at the alarm clock which showed it was near 11. They hadn't been sleeping for long before Voldemort decided to call a meeting. It wasn't unusual to be called this late. The Dark Lord did things on his time which basically meant whenever he felt like it.

Severus dressed as quietly as he could. It wasn't until he was tying his boots that Lily realized he was no longer in bed.

"Sev?" She mumbled, still half asleep.

"It's time, he finally called."

"Took him long enough." She replied as she rolled over, snuggling deeper. It was true, it'd been three days since the ambush and Severus had heard nothing from his master. He wondered what excuse the Dark Lord was going to use this time.

Severus stood from the bench he'd been sitting on and went to kiss Lily who was already snoring softly. Brushing her forehead with his lips he left.

Xxxx

Severus stood in the uncomfortably empty room. Voldemort paced before them, his agitation clear. He twirled his wand between his overly thin and pale fingers. Severus glanced around the room, taking note of who was still there. He noticed Lucius and Bellatrix immediately. The two of them were wiser than many of the other Death Eaters. There was a reason Voldemort trusted them the most. It didn't surprise Severus that they had evaded capture. Rabastan, Avery, and Yaxley we're there as well.

"Pettigrew has failed us." The Dark Lord spoke suddenly, drawing all wandering eyes back to him. "He allowed himself to be manipulated and passed on dangerous information." He turned his gaze on Severus suddenly. "Why didn't you warn us, Severus?"

"I didn't know, my Lord. Dumbledore doesn't discuss his meetings with the Order with those that aren't in it."

"Well, that'll have to change. You will reach out to him about joining."

"With all due respect, my Lord, do you think that's wise? He knows I was a Death Eater at one point in my life. He may be suspicious about my sudden desire to join. I expect the members won't take kindly to me either."

Lord Voldemort remained rooted to the spot, staring him down. Severus stood his ground, unwilling to show weakness even though he was sure a curse was coming.

"Very well, Severus. You know Dumbledore better than any of us. I trust your judgement, this isn't a relationship we want to ruin." He turned to face another Death Eater and Severus breathed a sigh of relief.

"Lucius." The cold voice commanded. "Is there any news about our dear friend, Minchum?"

Lucius cleared his throat. "He's healing, My Lord, and will be released any day. Millicent Bagnold has been named as his replacement."

"What can we expect from her?"

"She has a strong desire to defeat you, to follow in Minchum's footsteps. I believe however, after the recent kidnapping of Minchum she will be more easily swayed."

"And her family?"

"My…my Lord?"

"Is she married? Does she have any children?"

"She is, with two young daughters. Both she and her husband are half bloods."

An eerie grin stretched across Voldemort's face. "Then that will be our target. We will prove that we cant be so easily defeated, strike fear into her heart."

"Brilliant like always, master." Bellatrix cooed.

"And what about the prophecy, my Lord?" Severus interjected suddenly. "Do we know anything more?"

"Why? Do you have something to share?"

Regretfully not, my Lord." Severus quickly checked his occlumency barriers, ensuring they were intact. "I was merely curious. Are you sure it's the Longbottoms?"

Lord Voldemort scowled. "It seems Brits are afraid of having children. The birth rate has dropped significantly over the last few years. As of now, the Longbottoms are our only bet." He turned away from Severus to speak to them all. "Our next tasks will be to seek out the Bagnolds and free our brothers and sisters in Azkaban. You're dismissed."

Xxxx

Severus arrived home more gleeful than he should. The Bagnolds and Longbottoms would no doubt be murdered but he couldn't help but be happy his family wasn't being targeted. He stripped quickly, tossing his robes into a nearby chair and climbing under the warm blankets once again.

"How did it go?" Lily asked, much to his surprise.

"Why aren't you sleeping?"

She stared back at him. "You honestly think I could sleep knowing where you are? Now answer the question."

"He's already formed his next idea of attack. I'll have to speak to Dumbledore in the morning."

"It never ends with him, does it?"

"No." He responded with a frown. "I think it's time we found out the sex."

"But what if we're having a boy?" Her voice was full of concern as she gently rubbed her stomach.

"Then we'll deal with it but at least we'll know just how worried we need to be."

"Okay." She conceded, nuzzling closer. "We'll do it tomorrow."

Severus curled behind her, holding her tight. He felt her sides lift with each nervous breath. He had her memorized after all these years, how her chest heaved when she was upset or how her breaths came out slow and shallow when she was relaxed. He didn't need to see her face to know she was fighting back tears. "It scares me too." He reminded her.

"Does it?" She croaked.

"Lily." He said, almost irritated. " _Everything_ I do is to keep the two of you safe. Why wouldn't I be afraid?"

He felt her shoulder lift in a half hearted shrug. "You're always so closed off. I can never tell. It wasn't like that before, when we were kids. I could see it in your eyes how you opened up to me."

"It isn't about you. I never know when he's going to call and I try to stay as prepared as possible. There are a lot of things I don't let even myself see."

She turned over suddenly so that she was facing him. "He really messed you up, didn't he?"

Severus sighed heavily. "No, I did it all myself."

Xxxx

"He wants me in the Order." Severus stared down into his glass of fire whiskey.

"That wouldn't do." Dumbledore spoke absentmindedly.

"I told him you'd be against it. That brings things back to a matter of trust."

"Which of course isn't the problem. With Pettigrew locked up I believe the position is more protected. He won't be able to contradict you."

"Are you actually considering this?" Severus said, appalled.

"You need to appear in my good graces, do you not?"

"There will be no stopping the information he asks of me."

"Then we'll have to delay it as long as possible."

Severus took a tentative sip, feeling the trail of fire run down his throat. "What about Bagnold? I can't be suspected."

"Oh, no. I think their protection can easily be passed off as a precaution after what happened to Minchum."

Severus nodded pensively. "The prophecy…do you think this will really be the end of him?" He looked up, staring into Dumbledore's clear blue eyes. They were overcome with darkness at his question.

"I believe Lord Voldemort will have anchored himself here in some way. He won't let himself be defeated so easily."

"There are several ways of course, horcruxes come to mind. I believe he'd be looking for something more secure, not so easily destroyed."

"I think it would be wise to delve into dark arts now, learn his ways before he has a chance to return. This is your specialty, Severus.". He stood from his desk, strolling towards one of the many bookshelves. His fingers ran along each spine as if they were a woman to be caressed. Dumbledore gradually plucked books from the shelves and returned to deposit them in front of Severus.

Severus began reading the titles in front of him. "Forbidden Enchantments…The Darkest Art…You want me to read these?" He looked up skeptically.

"Lord Voldemort would have had access to all of these while attending Hogwarts. His secrets may be in here."

"A school full of children had access to  _these?"_

"Precisely why they're now in my office."

Severus shook his head as he removed his wand from his robes. "And what if The Dark Lord learns I'm investigating these?"

Dumbledore smirked. "I'm sure you'll come up with something."

Severus began shrinking the books and placing them in the safe keeping of his robes. Although he was careful not to show it, he was thrilled at the idea of more subject matter on the dark arts. He'd been fascinated with them since childhood and run out of accessible new material. He was itching to tear into these.

Xxxx

Severus arrived home, barely containing his excitement and made a beeline for his desk. He removed the shrunken books and returned them to their original size before plunking down in the chair. Cracking open the topmost book he inhaled the musty scent of the yellowing pages and gently turned the aging paper. Absorbed in the text he didn't even hear Lily come in until she was standing right behind him.

"What are you reading?" Her red hair brushed his shoulder as she leaned over to read.

"Knowledge of the Hidden" He spoke absentmindedly.

"Are you getting into the Dark arts again?"

He leaned back in the chair, distracted. "To be fair, I never stopped. It has to do with Voldemort."

"Just…be careful. I still don't like how much it interests you."

"The best way to defeat dark magic is to understand it."

She nodded and swallowed hard but didn't speak again for several beats. "Are you ready to find out?"

He looked at her intensely, at the clear worry that was becoming a permanent feature as of late and pushed himself weakly out of the chair. He grasped his dark cherry wand tightly and aimed it in her direction. She closed her eyes at the sight of it

"Genus aperio" He commanded with a flourish of his wand in the direction of her stomach. As the words finished leaving his lips, blue sparks burst from the tip of his wand. He stared, processing the revelation.

"It's a boy, isn't it?" Lily sighed, defeated when he didn't answer.

"Yes." He croaked in return. "We're having a boy."

"So much for being out of danger." Her voice wavered as she finally opened her eyes

Severus reached out a hand, rubbing the side of her arm comfortingly. "We'll be fine. We'll figure this out."

"I hope you're right."

"Hey." He said at the sight of tears brimming in her eyes, threatening to fall. "The Dark Lord has no idea our baby even exists or where we're at. The change in country may prevent him from ever considering us if he  _does_ find out. Remus and Sirius are more than happy to help us. We'll be fine. We should be excited."

"We need to use wards on the house still, protect us as much as we can. My bump is getting obvious. Pretty soon people are going to realize I'm pregnant, not just putting on weight. It's time I stopped going to Order meetings."

"Whatever gives you peace of mind. We can do it now if you like."

She nodded vigorously. "I would like that."

Severus held her hand gently, leading her outside their small home. They circled the building, each muttering incantations. Lily stuck with the standard ones while Severus focused on the several he had created over the years. He'd used them while at Hogwarts to protect his things and knew they were effective. He was also the only one who knew the counter spell to remove them. When they were satisfied with their invisible shields she was able to breathe a sigh of relief.

"I need to see Sirius, make sure he's okay."

"I'll get back to my books then. Send him my regards."

She smiled, pleased that he was making an effort to forgive Sirius. She locked her arms around his waist in a side hug and he hung an arm over her shoulder. She always felt safest by his side. She turned her head, giving him a lingering kiss.

Xxxx

Remus opened the door to her insistent knocking. Purple circles hung under his eyes, standing out against his pale skin. He forced at smile at the sight of her.

"Full moon tomorrow?"

"How did you guess?" He smirked.

"Is Sirius here?"

"Yeah, he's discovered TV."

Lily followed him into the house to a small entertainment room where Sirius had become one with the couch. A bag of crisps sat in his lap and empty beer bottles dotted the floor around his feet. She grimaced at the smell of hops. It had been her dad's favorite drink, she'd never been fond of the scent but now it was a painful reminder of what she had lost.

"You didn't have to turn him into a muggle." She whispered to Remus who shrugged exasperatedly.

"Sirius?" Lily called to the man on the couch. He turned from the TV to look at her a few seconds later, clearly drunk.

"Oh! Hey!" Sirius motioned for her to sit down next to him. She brushed crumbs off the fabric and sat tentatively.

"Are you okay?"

"Never been better! Here." He handed her his beer which she politely declined.

"Have you been sober  _at all_  since the attack?"

"What's the fun in that?"

"Sirius, you can't…you'll never get over her like this."

His smile faded as he watched the flashing screen before him. "I will, just not yet."

She nodded sadly, understanding all too well that it took time. Remus stood behind them, watching their conversation. "Has he dealt with it at all?"

Remus shook his head. "I think things will be better after the funeral."

"Yeah, I've been there…"

Remus took a seat in a nearby chair, leaning his elbows on his knees. "What's bothering you?"

Lily avoided his gaze, staring into her own lap instead. "We're having a boy."

"That's great! Congrat-…oh."

"Yeah, exactly."

"He has a great Mum…and Dad to watch over him. Plus, two fun uncles."

She laughed lightly. "That's what Sev said." Lily looked up at him again. "We're getting married, he asked me a few weeks ago. We'll need witnesses."

"You can count on us. Our little Lily is all grown up."

"Yet none of it is how I imagined."

"It will be. You-Know-Who won't be around forever."

"I hope Dumbledore knows what the hell he's doing."

"He wants me to go undercover with the other werewolves."

"Remus!"

"I know, I know…I'm not thrilled either but I'll do whatever it takes to bring him down."

"Just don't get yourself killed."

He smiled with a raise of his eyebrows. "I'll try my best."


	16. You Don't Know

**You Don't Know – Katelyn Tarver**

Xxxx

Severus woke in the middle of the night in the same debilitating pain he'd experienced not too long ago. It had come all at once with no warning. One minute it hadn't been there and the next it was all over. It hurt to do anything, to change positions in bed, to shift his legs, even to  _breathe._ It was one of those moments where he wondered why he was still alive. The lingering feeling entered his mind again, that everything would be better off if he wasn't here. What could he do in this condition? He was utterly useless, unable to even move yet the world was expected of him still.

Even in the dark he could see the black tendrils wrapping around his arms again. Purple bruising once again dotted his pale skin and he sighed heavily, so utterly fed up with it all. A heaviness pressed into his chest, exacerbated by the loneliness of the dark, threatening to consume him. He gently removed himself from the bed, careful not to wake Lily and shuffled from the room. He took small steps across the house. Wide ones caused a twinge in the front of both hips.

He flopped onto the couch, lifting his feet onto the coffee table with an exhausted sigh. He leaned his forehead into his fist which was propped up on the arm of the couch and simply sat there. The change of scenery was the only thing keeping him sane, providing that small sense of relief he desperately needed. Despite it all, his eyelids drooped down and he strained to keep them open. It was unusual, the overpowering need to sleep and do nothing else during the day and the fight against it during the night. It was like he could keep the next day from coming by staying awake. As if he could fight the sun from rising. When mornings did come it was almost disappointing and he was unwilling to do it all again. If only they could figure out what the absolute  _fuck_  was wrong with him this could all be solved.

He heard quiet steps coming towards him and knew she had realized his absence. "Is everything alright?" She spoke quietly into the night around them.

He gave an unconvincing shrug and murmured that everything was fine although it clearly wasn't. She sat beside him with a sigh, believing she was just as frustrated as he was. How could she be? She didn't know what any of this was like. Seeing it and reading it was an entirely different experience than living it every single day. Her fingers traced his skin gently yet he flinched anyway, causing her to retreat.

"Why don't you take a potion?" The question was sincere but irritated him still.

"I'd prefer not to."

"Why? It'll make you feel better?"

"Physically maybe."

"Do you want water? A pillow? Anything?"

"It won't make a difference."

"What will?"

"Nothing." He spoke honestly.

She gestured for him to come closer, to relax into her and he obeyed. He leaned to the side, placing his head in her lap. She brushed the black strands from his face and studied him carefully, every line and crevice, but her eyes were drawn to his. They were so open and vulnerable, something she hadn't seen since they were kids. He was laid bare before her, not bothering to close things off, even to himself. The softness and despair she saw there was disheartening but she didn't say a word. He would speak when he felt like it and until then they would do this.

Xxxx

She'd heard him get up, felt his weight leave the mattress but she'd waited to see if he was coming back. She hoped he was merely getting a drink or going to the bathroom but when he hadn't returned she knew it was something else. She hated to say it but his injuries had made him weak in a sense, vulnerable. As children, he'd been defiant about letting anyone in. He was too worried about what people would think of him. Hogwarts had only made it worse, when those very things he hated about himself were pointed out to him on a regular basis. It had closed him off even more and he had drawn away from everyone, even her. She hadn't understood it then, had fought with him about it even but perspective came with age. She saw now how she had defended those treating him that way, had brushed it off as nothing, and had even committed the ultimate foul in his mind, fallen in love with the worst of them all. It had all culminated to this point, his faults and hers. Every bad decision between them had led them here and while she wouldn't change the moment she wished she could undo the circumstances, take away at least some of his pain. Her mind was filled with what ifs at the mere thought of him. What if she'd believed him? What if she hadn't pushed him away? What if he hadn't joined Lord Voldemort? What if they'd been happy, lucky people from birth forward.

She may not have been dealt the same crappy hand as he but she'd been through enough of her own. She'd been only 17 when she lost her parents. A car crash they said, someone ran a light, killing her parents on impact. There wasn't a day she didn't think about them, didn't miss them. Now she longed for them to be in her child's life. A child who would grow up without any grandparents and likely without an aunt or uncle either. She of course wasn't the only one who had lost her parents.

During their final year at Hogwarts, Tobias had dealt the fatal blow. Eileen had been sent tumbling down the stairs, never to wake again. Thinking about it now, she didn't even know how Severus had taken the news. They'd drifted apart by then. They'd been cordial with one another but far from friends, neither able to forgive the other at the time. She remembered a bout of extreme moodiness, recklessness, that had come from him then but that was all she'd been allowed to know. His relationship with his parents had been tense to say the least. He'd always been closed lipped about it all. The abuse was obvious, of course, but the details were rather gray. She didn't even know now if he missed his Mum. How alone he must have been when Mulciber tortured him. Dragging himself to Hogwarts with no where else to go. That had been his only hope and Dumbledore could have easily turned him away. How sad it was to only have your old Headmaster to rely on.

Lily noticed then that his breathing had changed. He'd become relaxed enough with her there, rhythmically stroking his hair and had been able to drift back to sleep. Her eyes wandered to the marks on his arms and chest then, having been clad in nothing in underwear. She fixated on the dark mark then, something shed never _truly_ looked at before now. The detail of it was impeccable, true to the anatomy of a human and a snake. The mark was red and she was sure it was from blood.

Severus moaned then, shaking her from her thoughts. His face was contorted in pain as he shifted uncomfortably.

"Sev...let's head back to bed, you'll be more comfortable there."

He nodded slowly and attempted to sit up, only making it with her help. Leaning into her he stumbled back to their bedroom. "Can you grab me a potion after all?" He asked reluctantly as she deposited him on the bed. "It's the only amber one in the stack." She agreed, making her way to the stash and plucking out the vial he'd described. He carefully slid back under the covers as she handed it to him and he downed it one gulp. She crawled into bed beside him, running her fingernails up and down his bare skin in an attempt to relax him. Seemingly seconds later she heard soft snores coming from him and drifted into a sleep of her own.

Xxxx

It was amazing how exhausting a shower could be. A few minutes of raising his arms and scrubbing himself clean and he had used his energy quota for the day. The hot water running down his face, hanging off his eyelashes did little to help. It didn't even matter that he was here, naked with the woman he loved. Any other day and he might have pressed her up against the cold tile, forgetting about getting clean. No, today he just wanted to crawl back in bed and close his eyes again.

He'd been asleep most of the day already but he saw little point in being awake. He had too many responsibilities and things to do. It was much easier to escape to his dreams where everything was perfect and anything was possible. The moments he felt sleep leave him as he finally woke were filled with disappointment, unprepared for it to be over.

He moved through the daily motions in a fog. It was nearing dinner time and he'd had nothing to eat that day, chewing food was simply too much work. Lily found herself repeating what she had said over and over. The growing irritation she felt was evident but as hard as Severus tried to fight through the fuzziness he felt it didn't seem to matter. Her words still passed over him and he found himself asking for clarification.

It was days like this he found himself relying on muggle ways. It was like he forgot he could do magic. He opted to clean and fetch things like a regular human being would rather than using an "accio" or "scourgify". It drove Lily mad. As incapable as Severus felt, he seemed to insist on doing  _more._ The dishes were what finally did her in. He scrubbed the dishes until they were sparkling clean, working his already aching muscles even though they screamed at him for it. His face was screwed up in pain when she ripped the soapy plate from his hands.

"Would you just lay down?" She snapped at him.

"I'm almost done then I will." He grabbed another dirty dish that was waiting for him as she held the other hostage.

She shook her head angrily. "No, you're just making things worse. You're never going to get better if-"

"That's just it, Lily! I'm  _never_ going to get better." He stared intently at the piece of ceramic between his hands.

"That doesn't mean you should make it worse!"

"What should I do then? Sit around here like a lump and let you do everything? Do you  _want_ to be married to Vernon?"

"I just don't understand why you won't use magic. It happens all the time, whenever things flare up."

"They're happening more and more."

"Then you'll push through it."

Severus turned to face her finally, furious. She had finally thrown  _that_ at him. "What the hell do you think I do everyday? Do you think I just walk around here feeling fine and dandy? That when things are bad I just give up? I don't need you to tell me to try harder. I'm already well aware that my '100%' isn't enough." He dropped the bowl in the sink and a crack appeared up the side. "If you're so determined to finish, go ahead."

With two flicks of her wand she repaired the bowl and set it to scrubbing itself, almost mockingly, before following after him. Lily found him sitting on the couch, head held in his hands. He spoke suddenly when he heard her drawing close. His voice came out quieter than before, defeated.

"I'm sick and it's not going to get better. I know that, I  _live_ it everyday whether it looks like I do or not. I try my hardest to make it look like I have everything put together. I understand that things aren't change, that I'll have bad days  _and_ good ones but that doesn't make it any easier. Asking if I'm okay isn't helpful because I never will be. It's exhausting to have to explain that every time I'm asked. I do things the muggle way to help me stay sane. Sometimes picking up around the house is the only way I can prove to myself that I'm still capable. I have nothing else going in my life, no real way to feel as though I'm useful so I need this. Magic takes that away."

"Sev…"

"I don't need you to say anything. I just need you to try to understand and be there."

"I don't know any of this if you don't tell me. I don't live in your body, I don't what things are like. I'm trying to help the only way I know how. I haven't been living this as long as you have or in the same way. Just talk to me."

"That's easier said than done. A lot of times I don't know how to describe it to myself."

"Then just tell me that."

"I'm scared, Lily." He heaved a sigh and looked her in the eye. The amount of fear and worry she found there troubled her. "I'm barely keeping a job. Even Voldemort isn't pleased but I don't know what else to do. It's so hard to pull myself out of bed every morning. Despite all the things I hate about it, the students, Slughorn, I get to brew. It's one of the few things that makes me happy yet it's not enough anymore."

"Talk to Dumbledore. He knows you have to keep a job there. Maybe you can, for sake of appearances."

Severus nodded slightly. "That's not the heart of the problem. If I can't even work, how am I going to be a parent? How can I wake up with a baby several times a night? Or chase a toddler. I don't want to miss out on teaching him how to ride a broom. I don't want to sit back and watch while you do  _everything_. The closer we get the more afraid I am. I don't want to be an absentee father."

"You don't need to worry about that yet. We still have five months before he's even here and years before you'll be chasing him or teaching him to fly. A lot can change in a year. Maybe they'll figure out something they can do for you by then."

Severus nodded again, not entirely convinced. "I just don't want to live my life as a standby. I want to be  _normal._ "

She placed her hand on top of his knee. "You're doing the best you can."


	17. You Set My World On Fire

**You Set My World on Fire – Loving Caliber**

Xxxx

It was mid April and Lord Voldemort had remained painfully quiet. Severus hadn't heard from him in almost two months. He'd had no contact with any of the remaining, free Death Eaters. It was almost like Voldemort had disappeared. He was only bidding his time until he could be in control once more. In response to the Dark Lord's absence, tension had died down and Severus had noticed the wizarding world growing more careless in protecting themselves. Meanwhile, Severus was only growing  _more_ fearful. Voldemort wouldn't just give up his regime because he lost a few followers, no, Severus was afraid he was planning something big, using this carelessness to his benefit. It was the calm before the storm.

Severus delved deeper into the books he'd received from Dumbledore but few areas of magic seemed to fit the situation. He simply kept coming back to horcruxes. The idea of it all fit Lord Voldemort, murdering others in cold blood in order to keep him tethered to this life, impossible to die. The problem was the predictably. Each division of the soul made what remained unstable. In many cases it led to insanity. Severus simply couldn't see Voldemort taking that big of a risk. There was something else he must be doing.

There was blood magic, it was an old form of magic and rarely used. It had been common centuries ago but had since dwindled. Very few people alive even knew it existed any more. Severus had only seen it used to create the dark mark. He'd watched his brethren receive it as well as himself. It was clearly something Voldemort was practiced in, more than most if nothing else. It would be sensible for him to use it as a sense of protection for his soul.

Xxxx

Severus found himself in Dumbledore's office after classes had ended one afternoon. The look on Dumbledore's face told him he was just as concerned about the Dark Lord's absence as Severus was. Severus could do little to dispel that, to provide comfort of any kind.

"Still no word?" Dumbledore asked as Severus took relaxed into one of the overstuffed armchairs. His

"I'm afraid not. I've mulled over the idea of contacting Lucius. If anyone knows anything it'll be him."

"It may be wise. We need to be prepared for whatever is coming."

"I'll reach out to him then."

"Have the books been of any use?" Dumbledore asked hopefully.

"I found something that may be fitting. It's called 'Anima Aduno'. It has to do with merging one's soul to another living thing."

"I'm sensing a 'but'?"

Severus frowned. "Well, it seems it's temporary. It's a type of blood magic. The problem is, muggles have proved that blood cell only live for a short period of time before dying off and being replaced."

"What makes you think he's using this method?"

"For one, with each Death Eater initiation there is a mixing of blood. It's how the dark mark was created."

"He's using his followers then."

"I believe so. I still want to look into it more deeply."

"It's a start." Dumbledore sighed. "How is Lily?"

"Stir crazy, understandably so."

"Having her designate locations for meetings will be good for her."

"I believe so too. It's the only thing getting her out of the house. She quit her job out of fear of being discovered. Now that she can no longer attend Order meetings it's hard."

"And you get to leave."

"She's always had a streak of jealousy." Severus smirked as he stood.

"Give her my regards."

"I will, Sir." He stood, grabbing his cane and limping from the tower. He hated the thing, utterly despised it but it was necessary. He'd always dreaded the day he'd have to use it in public and even now, several weeks later he was still embarrassed by it. The whispers he'd heard the first few days had been the worst. He didn't like people speculating about his life and he'd quickly become the talk of the school. He'd remained quiet about it however, letting them guess while guarding the truth. Some of the rumors came painfully close to the truth. However, with a few well placed glares and smart retorts he'd been able to calm them.

The one good thing that had happened was that Slughorn seemed to finally believe something was  _actually_ wrong. Of course, the man didn't know about the amputation, if he had he might have believed Severus in the first place. With belief came the most irritated desire to help Severus, to treat him like an inferior. Severus didn't know which version of Slughorn he preferred more.

Xxxx

Lily was enjoying the acrobatic movements happening inside her, the wiggles and flips of her little boy. They were beginning to become noticeable with little jumps of skin here and there. She'd grown quickly and it was no longer feasible to be spotted where people may recognize her. Her increasingly round stomach could no longer be passed off as weight gain.

She felt trapped inside this house, inside this country. The only people she had consistent contact with were Remus, Sirius, and of course, Severus. They were probably being overly cautious but she wasn't taking any chances. She wasn't about to risk her son's life for a little bit of fun. In response, giving up her job and place in the Order was a no brainer. That didn't mean she wasn't going to pounce on the opportunity to get out of here when Severus had offered it upon coming home.

The two of them got lost together at the fair. It was so busy, so packed full of people that they blended in. They hid in plain sight in the crisp spring air as they walked among the booths and sampled food. In the distance they could hear the strum of guitar strings and the mellifluous voice that sung along.

"When are we getting married?" Lily asked with a lick of her ice cream cone.

"I don't have a preference. I suppose soon."

"While it's still just the two of us."

Severus nodded along. "Unfortunately, rings would be out of the question."

"Right, no one can know." She glanced down sadly at her bare fingers, feeling cheated once again. "Of course, we could just use a different finger…"

He gave her a half smile but the happiness behind it was real. "Yeah…I guess we could." He reached out for her, fingertips brushing against each other before lacing together. Severus gently rubbed the knuckle of her thumb and gazed down at her, at the person she'd become. No longer was she that petite, awkward child he had known. Now she was a full figured woman whose creamy skin was flecked with orange. She'd cut her hair recently, it no longer brushed along her mid back. Instead it hung below her chin, giving her a more doe eyed appearance. It drove him wild.

The corners of her mouth lifted, showing her dimples. "What are you looking at?"

His hand found the back of her neck then and he stepped closer, breathing her in despite the crowd around them. He kissed her deeply, memorizing her cold, sweet lips and pulled away reluctantly.

Xxxx

She was on top of him. He'd healed slightly in the past two months but continued to relapse. They'd found it easier, and less painful for him to let her take control. His hand gripped her tightly, fingernails digging into her flesh momentarily as the mark burned. He rushed her off, the call was urgent.

"The Dark Lord has exquisite timing." He grumbled as he stuffed his legs back into a pair of pants and reattached the prosthesis. He continued to dress while she watched in disappointment. Severus turned his back on her, trying to smooth the sex hair and simultaneously close his barriers. It was harder in this state of arousal and he squeezed hos eyes shut, focusing, until he was satisfied. Without turning back to Lily, unwilling to undo his barriers, he disapparated.

Severus was the last to arrive. He shamefully snuck into the room, hoping he wouldn't be noticed. None of them dared to move in the room full of palpable anger.

"Attack on the Bagnolds was…unsuccessful." Voldemort bit out the last word in disgust. "It seems they were prepared for us." The red eyes found Severus in the crowd. "Snape!" He commanded to which Severus obeyed, scuttling toward his master and kneeling before him.

"Is Dumbledore aware of our plans of attack?" His wand was already aimed at Severus, should he give the wrong answer.

"I wouldn't dream of it, my Lord." He let surprise fill his voice but his mind was invaded anyway. The Dark Lord searched for evidence of betrayal but Severus was confident he would never find it. His collusion with Dumbledore was hidden with memories of Lily. Voldemort would never think to look for love, affection of any kind. Even if he did, Severus was prepared. Finding nothing, Voldemort pulled out, leaving Severus dizzy.

"What are you hiding?" The Dark Lord accused.

"Nothing, my Lord."

"Then why were they prepared?"

"Perhaps it was merely a safety measure after what happened with Minchum." Severus grimaced at the brutal honesty. Only days after the Minister's release from the hospital he was found murdered in his own home. Just like Severus had predicted, the man was destined to die. A jolt fired through Severus' nerves then. It lasted only seconds but it was enough to leave Severus gasping for air. It was a warning, not a punishment. He was sent to join his brethren and did as he was told, having no desire to continue the torture.

He stood with the small crowd of remaining Death Eaters. It seemed Voldemort had been able to orchestrate any kind of break out at Azkaban. Severus found his mind wandering to Pettigrew, if he was still in captivity or if he'd transformed. His mind wandered dangerously as the Dark Lord scolded them for their failure. It seemed the Bagnold family had enacted charms similar to those at Hogwarts and Dumbledore's involvement was questioned.

Xxxx

Severus found himself back in the Headmaster's office for the second time that week. He couldn't help but be angry as Dumbledore stared back at him innocently.

"He's losing faith in me." His voice was measured as he spoke.

"Did he say as much?"

"He doesn't need to. I wasn't informed of the attack until after it happened. It's never happened before. I've always been involved, even if I wasn't a fighter."

"Perhaps he's merely being cautious. He can't-"

"I'm his bloody spy! Why wouldn't I be involved?"

"Have you considered  _why_ his trust is diminishing?"

"He believes I told you they were being targeted."

"That can't be the only reason. The Bagnold's protection is easily explainable. She is the minister after all."

"What are you suggesting?" Severus narrowed his eyes.

"There are Slytherin students sympathetic to the cause, others that are direct descendants of his followers, correct?"

"Yes…"

"I'm merely suggesting that your absence here has been reported."

"The Dark Lord would have mentioned it."

"Perhaps he will, once he's sure of the situation. You can't claim that your lack of time here hasn't been noticed."

"Slughorn doesn't even need me. It's a pointless position."

"Maybe teaching would suit you better."

"What's going on here?"

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled suspiciously. "Slughorn is interested in retiring within the next few years."

"No, absolutely not. There is nothing I despise more than those children."

"Your position would change much, you already have control of the classroom while Slughorn simply watches. It'd be a larger salary."

 _Ah, so he_ was  _awaiting just how lazy Horace was._ "I'm here because I need to be, not because I want to be."

"I don't see that changing anytime soon."

Inspiration struck him suddenly. "What about Poppy?"

"What about her?"

"I could work alongside her, I already brew a majority of the potions, it'd be more of a solitary position and my absence wouldn't be as noticeable…"

"The school year is nearly over. I'll look for somewhere else to put you for the next. For now, show up as much as you can. You don't need to give Lord Voldemort any other reasons to suspect you. Until then I believe I have some valuable information you can pass on." Severus raised an eyebrow as Dumbledore continued. "The Longbottoms are currently staying in Godric's Hollow. They'll be moving before their son is born but Lord Voldemort doesn't have to know that."

"Are you sure it's wise to disclose their location?"

Dumbledore nodded will a slight grin. "I have it under control."

Xxxx

Lily was nervously chewing on her lip while she waited for Severus to return. It occurred to her that that's all her life was now, waiting for him. Severus appeared before she could press the thought any further.

"How was it? What happened?"

"Failed attack, he's pissed." Severus' exhaled in exhaustion as he collapsed onto the couch beside her. "I had to speak with Dumbledore afterwards."

"Is everything ok?"

"For now."

"And you?"

He sighed loudly. "Touch of the cruciatus but I'll be fine."

She lifted the side of his shirt, confirming her suspicions. "Severus…Every time he tortures you it gets worse."

"But I haven't even seen him in months."

"No, but look how much darker the marks are compared to this morning." She untucked the front of his shirt, revealing his stomach. He looked down curiously and found they were a much deeper purple like she had said.

"Must have something to do with nerves…" Severus muttered more to himself than her, remembering how each nerve in his body had burned.

"You have to avoid the unforgivables."

Severus laughed genuinely and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. "I generally do."

"What are we going to do with you?" She sighed quietly as she relaxed onto his chest.

"I'm afraid you won't able to sell me for parts."

"I guess we'll have to keep you then." Her fingers teased his happy trail, reigniting a desire in him to finish what they had started.

Xxxx

**A/N: I've spent most of the week asleep due to my own pain no one can figure out (yay me). Anyway, I apologize for the late update and short chapter. Thanks again for all your wonderful support. You guys make my day and your reviews make it much easier to keep writing.**


	18. Endlessly

**Endlessly – The Cab**

**Thanks for all the reviews and well wishes!**

Xxxx

It seemed that Bagnold family had disappeared, practically overnight, after their attempted murder. Their house was suddenly once again visible, the enchantments protecting it were gone and it was utterly abandoned. They'd moved without notifying anyone of their location. The Minister, Millicent, was the only one to remain in the public eye. She retaliated to the attack with a vengeance. Several of the captured Death Eaters had originally been given a trial date, Peter among them. Under her reign, the trials were canceled. She enforced stricter laws on anyone with ties to Lord Voldemort or his followers, anyone who had information about the organization and didn't come forward was now destined for a lengthier sentence in Azkaban. She promised wizarding Britain that the remaining followers would be caught and Voldemort would be brought to Justice.

The Dark Lord was furious, having lost the upper hand. He'd relished in the idea that the world seemed to have forgotten him. He'd lurked in the shadows while the world remained in the light. The attempted coup he had pulled had only notified the world that he was still here. The country was seized by fear once again, retreating inside at all times, no longer venturing out to let their kids play. Wizarding neighborhoods were filled with protective enchantments in an effort to survive. Reports of houses disappearing in muggle neighborhoods made the news as well. Witches and Wizards had chosen to protect their homes and protect their families rather than prevent being exposed.

Despite being across the ocean, Lily was terrified about what could happen to them. Severus fell under the harsher law, the government would have expected him to give up vital information or else. She turned into a nervous mess at the news. Now she wasn't just concerned that he'd die by the hands of the dark but by that of the light as well. Her family was being hunted for more than one reason. Despite Severus' attempts to soothe her, reassure her that everything would be fine, she worried.

"I have Dumbledore on my side." He pointed out unsuccessfully. "If the aurors _do_ catch me, my innocence can be proven."

"At what expense? Exposing you to You-Know-Who?"

"We can run, there are ways to avoid him."

"You told me he can control you through the mark, he can hurt you, or worse…"

"Yes…but I believe there's a distance restriction on it."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, should the time come we need to flee, I don't think he would be able to reach me say in Australia or America. Whatever damage he inflicts would be diminished, if not completely ineffective. I joined him some time ago, I believe I'm safe."

"How? How could you possibly be safe? If he found out what you were…"

He grabbed her face, placing a hand on each cheek. "He won't, I promise."

She shook her head out of his grasp. "You aren't the best at keeping your word."

Deep lines appeared on his forehead as a frown formed on his lips. "Things have changed, we aren't kids anymore."

"Aren't we? We should be living life, seeing the world, and instead, we're _here_."

"Life begins at different times for different people. We lost the right to 'live' as you say but I wouldn't have it any other way."

She looked down, chewing on the bottom of her lip. "Severus…I don't want to lose you."

"And you won't. Everything I do now is for the _three_ of us. I'm smarter than that, Lils, I won't be caught." She opened her mouth and he lifted a palm to stop her. " _But,_ if I am, it isn't a death sentence, there are ways out of it. I'm not James, I'm not out there fighting."

She sucked in a breath at the sound of his name before standing suddenly from the couch and venturing to the back of the house. Severus called after her, afraid he had said something wrong, hurt her somehow, but she returned on her own. She sat by him once more, running the shimmering fabric between her fingers. She looked at it a moment before speaking again, remembering the things she and James had done with this, how furious he would be if he knew it was going to "Snivellus".

Severus watched the way she held the dingy old blanket in confusion. Her mind was clearly somewhere else and he waited until she was ready. He remembered the blanket, he'd seen it on the floor of the room that night Lily had been going through James' things. He knew who the item belonged to, he just didn't understand what was so special about it.

"I want you to have this." She said finally, looking him in the eye. "I've been meaning to give it to you for some time…Just don't tell Sirius and Remus, okay?"

He took it from her as she held it out to him. "Thank…you?"

She smirked a little then, realizing he didn't know what it was. "It's a cloak, put it on."

He did as she said, standing and wrapping it around himself. As the edges of it closed together he seemingly disappeared, no he _did_ disappear. Severus threw it off himself quickly, realizing what it was. This is how they'd done all of it, how they'd followed him without him even knowing it. "Levicorpus…" He mumbled, putting the pieces together.

"I told you I never told them your spells."

"They found out themselves…this explains so much." He couldn’t help but feel angry even now. How much this piece of _cloth_ had destroyed his life, had placed the wedge between him and Lily.

"I know they _\- James_ , didn't use it appropriately, but you can."

He shook his head. "It'll be more useful for you." He shoved the item back towards her, anxious to get rid of it. "If someone finds us, if Voldemort comes…You and the baby have to hide under this."

She took it from him, clinging on to it and agreeing. "We'll keep it in reach, use it for both of us. "

He pulled her close, planting a kiss on her forehead before pulling apart. "What other tricks don't I know about?"

"Did you know about the map?"

Severus shook his head and she began to explain. She’d seen it used several times but had never gotten the opportunity to use it herself. Lily hadn’t thought much of it other than it being a rather genius invention.

“It’s an utter invasion of privacy.” He was appalled. If it hadn’t been used against him he would have found the pure creation of the product incredible, with a few minor tweaks. “They knew everything! Where I was, who I was with. They were _always_ there, even when I tried to find a place they’d never be. I could never figure it out. Why go through all this trouble to make my life hell?”

“I don’t think it was all about you. It helped them stay out of trouble, avoid Filch, even sneak into Hogsmeade. If it makes you feel better, it was taken from them during 7th year.”

“It’s a small injustice compared to the fact they knew everything. Merlin, they likely even knew my bathroom habits! It’s disgusting.”

“You have to admit there’s nothing like it.”

“No, that’s for certain. You said it was confinscated? Is it still at Hogwarts?”

She shrugged. “As far as I know, they were never able to get it back.”

He smiled back at her wickedly. “I’ll have to have a chat with our caretaker. If it shows every name as you say, it could be quite a useful product, alert us if anyone happens to step onto the grounds that shouldn’t be there.”

“There are wards, that shouldn’t be necessary.”

“The spells only work against human beings. If a certain rat were to stumble onto the grounds…we wouldn’t even know.”

“Using his own product against him.”

“I doubt the dunderhead had much input on it anyway.”

Xxxx

Severus did as he said would. He’d wandered to Filch’s office after classes had ended. He rapped quickly on the door which was answered by the mangy man he was used to.

“What is it?” The grating voice forced it’s way through the man’s crooked and yellowing teeth.

Severus spoke calmly despite his irritation. “A student of mine had an item confiscated earlier this week. He speaks of nothing but the injustice of it since. I’d simply like to see it for myself.”

Mrs. Norris wound her way around Filch’s legs, purring in delight at her master. “Items are only taken when necessary.” His upper lip twitched into a sneer. “No one here gets treated differently, despite their blood status.”

“Argus, you and I are both aware of the dark forces that have found their way inside the Castle-“

“Some of us more than others.” Filch stared at him pointedly.

“It hurts no one for me to _look_ at the item in question. I would hate to see this affect your position within the school.”

After a moment Filch reluctantly stepped back from the doorway, allowing Severus to step through. He offered him no help, only insisting that Severus lock up when he was done and muttering something about chains as he removed himself from the room. The heavy door shut with a bang and Severus made his way to the cabinets lining the wall. Pulling out drawers, he thumbed through files of students from seemingly the last fifty years.

He found Black’s name first and removed the file in sheer curiosity. He flipped through the pages inside, a disgustingly large amount of them, and found his own name mentioned several times. Many of the events he could remember, when he’d been locked inside an unused classroom, practically thrown down a flight of stairs, it was all here. As he was happy to note, so were the pranks Severus had pulled on _him_. He chuckled at the parchment detailing the event in 4th year when Sirius’ hair had turned a sickening shade of pink. Madam Pomfrey had been unable to rectify it, much to Sirius’ horror and it had taken a week for his natural shade of black to return. Finding nothing, Severus stuffed the file back into it’s place and moved on to the next.

It was Remus this time. His file was full of mostly medical notes, only a few slips of paper detailed his detentions and involvement with the other boys. Peter’s was the smallest of the three files. The boy had always been determined to stay out of trouble. He’d always hung around the edges of the attacks, rather than participating in them himself. As a result, he hadn’t suffered as much as the other two.

Finally, Severus found Potter, James. It was the thickest of them all. Like Sirius’ it was also full of Severus’ own name, both in retaliation and as a victim. This one contained everything the staff had been aware of. Severus paused for a moment on the parchment, stating the incident by the lake in 5th year, the one where he’d made his greatest mistake. Clearing his throat with a cough he continued through the folder. Towards the end, Lily’s name began to appear. It was then he couldn’t tear his eyes away. It seemed the two of them had been caught several times being overly intimate with one another. The mere thought of it disgusted and angered him and he forced the folder back to where he had gotten it.

Having not found the map attached to any of the Marauders, Severus moved on. He rifled through drawers, finding all kinds of random objects, magical and muggle alike. He wondered how many of these actually had a good reason to be taken. Filch wasn’t known to be reasonable. Fed up, he tried magic. With a silent accio, a nearby drawer flew open and an aged and yellow parchment flew towards him. Reaching up, he snatched it from the air as it grew closer. Placing the tip of his wand on the map he muttered the rather childish enchantment and watched it come to life. He unfolded and unfolded the map, extending it to it’s large, full size. He watched almost hypnotically as labeled foot prints made their way across the map. He even found himself and took steps around the room to prove it’s accuracy. As outraged as he was by the whole thing, he couldn’t help but feel a sense of comeuppance, of getting back at James and Sirius after all these years.

Xxxx

"How did you get this information?" The cold voice above him hissed.

"Dumbledore himself trusted me with the information."

The Dark Lord chuckled. "Trusted indeed…For a man so renowned for his brilliance I've never seen him be very smart."

Severus scoffed back. "Indeed, my Lord."

"Stand." Voldemort instructed and Severus painfully pushed himself off the floor. "We will check out the information you have given us, verify Dumbledore's trust in you."

"My Lord, If I may?" Severus bowed his head and Voldemort confirmed he could speak. "I wouldn't entrust this task to just anyone…if the Longbottoms learn they are being watched…they'll flee."

The Dark Lords eyes darkened. "This job won't be given to just any follower. Not after they botched the Bagnold Misson…"

"My Lord? Our sister Bella…she seems incapable of staying hidden. Her emotions get the best of her."

"It seems we agree."

"There's more, my Lord. The old potions professor, Slughorn, Is looking to retire next year. Dumbledore is interested in changing my position at the school."

"We don't need you somewhere else." Lord Voldemort's anger flashed.

"My Lord, It'll be easier on my body. I'll still be able to serve you."

"Perhaps you should become the next potions master."

"I have to disagree. I can't physically hold the position, not since Mucliber…"

"I'm well aware what he has done!"

"It's only an idea. I wished to make you aware of it now."

"You will speak to us before you accept the new job."

"Absolutely, my Lord. I only have one more question." He spoke hesitantly, it was clear Lord Voldemort's patience was wearing thin. "Do you happen to know what spells Mulciber used?" As it was just the two of them in the room, Severus began rolling up his sleeve, revealing the marks that were becoming a permanent feature on his skin. "He has kept me from serving you as best I can."

"He didn't disclose the information to me, but I will be sure that he does." The flames behind his eyes continued to build and Severus took the chance before it disappeared.

"Thank you, my Lord. I will be in touch if I learn anymore." He undid his sleeves, rebuttoning them above his wrists. The Dark Lord gave a slight bow of the head, signaling that Severus was dismissed and he strode from the room.

Xxxx

It was mid May. As temperatures rose, so did their tension as their fate grew closer and closer. They stood in the small second bedroom which had now been painted the color of wheat. It was filled with small pieces of furniture they had purchased over the last month as they prepared. A bookcase stood in one corner, the one thing Severus had insisted on. A small stack of toys and stuffed animals sat in the other. Near the window was a small rocking chair and on another wall sat a dresser.

Severus held a screwdriver in his hand. It reminded him of his father, his affinity for mechanics and engineering. When Severus was a small boy his father had tried to teach him how to use different tools before eventually growing angry and leaving Severus with a welt across the cheek. It was one of Severus' first memories, one that had always stuck with him. Now, with it came that of finding his Mother at the base of the stairs with a similar mark across her face. The only difference had been the way her blood flooded from her skull, staining the floor beneath it.

Severus fought to push the memory away. He didn't appreciate his childhood intruding on his life with Lily. He didn't want this moment to be tainted but he knew it always would be. He'd always be comparing his childhood to the one that his son would have. Now, he was building a crib, one of the few things he had, had as a child.

Lily stood above him, watching him build the crib in frustration and wishing he'd just use magic. They would have been done a long time ago and could be doing something else, something together. She held her tongue, not willing to bring it up after the fight they'd had two months ago. When he'd explained his reasons why he chose to do things this way. Even though it was clearly painful for him to sit on the floor like he was, his wand sat in his robes unused.

"What do you think about David?" She asked which earned her a face of dislike. "Jacob?"

"Too popular." He said as he focused on turning another screw into place.

She sighed and flopped into the nearby rocking chair. "What names do you like?"

He sat up straight, thinking on the topic. "Oliver." He suggested with a shrug.

She shook her head. "Our kid will just have to be nameless."

"Evan." He suggested. "In spirit of your maiden name."

She didn't respond, seeming to not have heard him and instead focused on the wall in front of her. Severus turned back to what he was doing when she spoke again suddenly. "What about Harry?"

"Harry…" He let the name roll on his tongue and looked back at her. "I actually like that…Harry." They smiled at one another before he spoke again. "Have you spoken to Sirius and Remus yet?"

"Yes, they both agreed they'd be there this weekend."

"And Sirius? How is he doing?"

"I'm surprised you care."

He rolled his eyes. "You have to give me more credit than that. We're trying."

She sighed happily. "Yes, you both are. He's doing better, not so hopeless."

"He's appreciated your support."

"How do you know?" He turned the crib, working on a different section.

"I spoke to him a couple weeks ago when I came home."

"You mean you actually exchanged words?" She feigned shock.

"Don't be so surprised."

"I'm proud of you, thank you."

"Are you ready for this weekend."

"Severus, look who you're talking to." She laughed. "It's you I should be concerned about. Are you ready to get married?"

He stood up, looking at his handiwork, before walking over to her and looking her earnestly in the eyes. "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous. But, I never thought _I_ of all people would be doing this. Especially not since I lost you."

She squeezed his hand. "Don't let our three guests overwhelm you."

"Three? Is Petunia not coming?"

She looked downcast at the question. "No…she said she's too heavily pregnant to make it."

Severus rolled his eyes, he knew it wasn't true. It was Vernon preventing Lily's own sister from coming. He wasn't surprised but it was disappointing all the same for Lily. “Don’t linger on it. We aren’t doing this for her.”

“I know.” She said, picking at a thread on her shirt. “It would just be nice to have any kind of family there, especially since our parents…”

“I understand, it’s not the same having the Headmaster and my old bullies.”

“I didn’t even think of that.”

“I don’t mind, really. It isn’t much of an option with the need for two witnesses.”

She sighed heavily. “I just wish we could get it over and done with. There’s nothing about the day in particular to be excited about.”

“We’ll make it special in another way.” He leaned over her, placing a hand at the base of her neck and kissing her deeply. She readily responded and pulled him closer by the collar.


	19. Bad Bad World

**Bad Bad World - Guster**

Xxxx

**July 31st, 1980**

Sweat mingled with tears of pure joy and absolute terror.  _A baby born at the end of July_ they'd said. If he'd just waited another day, another couple hours even, everything would have been fine. If Harry had just come like he was supposed to in the middle of August…but, no. They we're never that Lucky.

Her normally vibrant red hair was now a deep auburn from the sweat that clung to it. It was plastered to her porcelain skin, framing the striking green eyes she now shared with their son. His face was screwed up in newborn anger, already similar to Severus' own scowls. He was a perfect mixture of the two of them.

There had been no word yet on the Longbottom boy and they didn't know if that was good or bad. Lily had fought desperately not to think of the Longbottom family. They had been the ones Voldemort chose to hunt. If he found them, their family would be ripped apart. It was too painful to even imagine, that the sweet brunette Alice that Lily had known, had shared a room with, during her days spent at Hogwarts would have to face her child being hunted by a murderer.

As hard as it had all been for Lily and Severus, they'd been out of the spotlight. Only a select few people knew that Harry existed, that Severus and Lily were even together. Perhaps it was the fact that Severus faced Voldemort all too frequently, that he unwillingly placed his mind in the Dark Lord's hands. It all cut too close, the fact that one simple memory could bring down the veil they were hiding behind. Now Harry was out in the world, she could no longer protect him like before. She clung close to his small body as exhaustion took over. Only as she was drifting off she let Severus take him from her arms.

If Severus thought he was unprepared before, it was nothing compared to now. Here was a human being that depended fully on him to survive in an entirely different way than anyone else. Severus could go to Voldemort, he could kneel in front of him and agree to do his bidding, he could even watch the light leave someone's eyes. What he couldn't do was stare down at this child, knowing he depended on him to even stay alive. It was unnerving and unlike anything else he'd ever done but even now, just hours after he'd come into this world, Severus knew he would do  _anything_  for Harry.

Xxxx

Severus woke early to the sound of Lily soothing Harry's cries. He sat up slowly, folding the blankets off him and wandering from the room. He paused outside the doorway of the nursery, listening to the quiet voice of Lily singing inside. Severus grinned to himself and took in the moment of sweet darkness before joining them. A single night light illuminated the room, casting large shadows on the walls. He sat on the floor, leaning backwards with his arms supporting him. Lily smiled at him blissfully before the look turned into confusion and her song tapered off. He looked back at her with similar befuddlement.

"Sev… your arm." She pointed with a nod of her head.

He frowned and sat up slightly so as to look at it. Since he had been branded, the mark was a deep crimson, colored by blood. When the Dark Lord called it burned a coal black. Now, it was a light pink, barely evident against his skin. Severus ran his fingers over it before looking back at her in shock. His heart beat inside his chest as fear mounted inside of him. He fumbled in his pocket for his wand and cast his patronus. The silver bear formed and shook it's shaggy head before padding out of the room. As it left, Severus scrambled up from the floor, ignoring Lily's questions. He retrieved the invisibility cloak from their bedroom and brought it back to her.

"What's going on?" Her voice was small.

"Take this, just in case. If  _anyone_ comes you must hide."

She nodded obediently, having not needed to be told. "Something happened." It was more a statement than a question.

Severus muttered an agreement. He focused on the mark, trying to locate the Dark Lord. It was like he'd lost reception, only receiving a fuzziness instead. He waited for the phoenix he knew would come before trying to disapparate. It wouldn't do for him to be seen receiving a patronus from Dumbledore while with his fellow Death Eaters. The air between he and Lily was strained with fear, each unwilling to voice their thoughts although they had a fair idea of what had happened. Finally, the majestic bird came fluttering to life, delivering the short message Dumbledore had sent, answering his question.

"He's gone." Dumbledore's voice was filled with a mix of emotions, triumph, and despair. Lord Voldemort was gone but at what cost?

Lily's mouth opened but no sound came out as she tried to figure out what exactly to say. Finally, she decided and simply asked "How?"

"The Longbottoms." Severus needn't answer, they were both well aware. He clutched his wand tightly, afraid they'd be next, afraid they'd been found out long ago, but they heard nothing. There was no apparition, no footsteps outside of their house. The only sounds that filled the night were crickets and Harry's soft coos. Lily clutched her child tighter, realizing this must mean the Longbottoms had all fallen with the Dark Lord. Severus approached her and squeezed her hand with a reassurance even he didn't feel. They sat that way for hours. Harry fell asleep inside her arms but still they didn't move. Eventually light began to filter into the small window and it was then someone arrived.

The apparition and knock on the door were clear. Severus approached the door cautiously, despite the logical of it all. Surely Bellatrix wouldn't kindly invite herself in before murdering them all. Peeking out the thin window near the door, Severus saw the distinguished, silver beard, and familiar robes and heaved a sigh of relief. He pulled open the door and stepped away immediately at the sight of the man. The mixed emotions and thoughts swirling through his mind were evident on his features as sadness dulled the sparkle in his eyes and tinged his lips. Dumbledore stepped through the door and Severus called for Lily to join them, letting her know that it was safe.

"The mark alerted you, didn't it?" Dumbledore asked, his usual confident tone gone.

"Yes." Severus conceded, showing his arm as proof. "The Longbottoms…"

"Dead."

"All…all of them?" Lily's voice wavered.

"Frank and Alice…their boy survives."

"Power the Dark Lord knows not?" Severus addressed him again

Dumbledore nodded. "Lord Voldemort was unable to touch him. He'll be living with his Grandmother, Augusta. Unfortunately, she was the one who found them."

"When was he born?"

"Nearly a week ago, on the 30th.

"Albus." Severus spoke suddenly. "How were they found?"

Dumbledore's lips fell in shame. "I'm afraid that's my fault. I passed you the information that they would be moving. They decided not to but informed no one. It wasn't hard for Lord Voldemort to find them and break down their barriers." Severus felt sick at the words, nausea bubbled up, leaving a nasty taste in the back of his throat. He sat down next to Lily at the news. He had handed Lord Voldemort the very information that had gotten them killed…he'd had a hand in their death.

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "They've been rounding up the remaining Death Eaters. Bellatrix Lestrange was caught shortly after the attack. It seems Lucius Malfoy is distancing himself from the Dark Lord already. With his wealth, I imagine he won't be serving time."

"And Yaxley?"

"He's likely to stand Trial but I wouldn't be concerned due to the help he's given us."

"The same applies to Severus, doesn't it?" Lily asked.

Dumbledore shook his head. "I wouldn't be concerned. He's been fighting for the light much longer, his loyalties to Voldemort were brief."

"He shouldn't be arrested then?"

"I believe not, but they would have to locate him to begin with." He turned to face Severus. "May I speak to you in private for a moment?"

She heaved small sigh of relief at the answer as she stepped from the room. Dumbledore only spoke again when they heard a door down the hall shut.

"Severus, the fact that your mark is nearly gone is reassuring. When I arrived at the Longbottoms', there were only the bodies of Frank and Alice, Lord Voldemort's was nowhere to be found. The only evidence he left behind was massive pool of blood."

"Anima Aduno."

"It seems likely that may have been the method he used after all. The boy, Neville, survived the killing curse. He was nearly unscathed, the only mark it left was that of a lightening bolt on his forehead. I'm afraid Voldemort may be tied to him now as well."

"We'll have to find a way to reverse it's effects. Although he entrusted each of us with a part of himself it seems there may be something, or someone, that is keeping his soul tethered to this life."

"With his followers in Azkaban we may be able to whittle down the suspects."

"I'm afraid it might not be a follower. I have my suspicions, but I would like to look into it more."

Dumbledore nodded, looking weary. "Be mindful of your actions, Severus. Lord Voldemort  _will_ be back. It would be wise to remain in good standing with him."

"I'm well aware."

"There will be a meeting of the Order tonight after the latest events, particularly the loss of two of our own members. I'd like you to join us, Lord Voldemort himself asked you to do so."

"We would be in need of a babysitter."

"Ah, yes, I noticed. I can arrange for a house elf to watch over him."

"I suppose it'll have to do." Severus sighed.

"There's nothing to worry about, Severus. House elves raise children for many of the top status families. They are excellent at what they do."

"I have no doubt in their abilities, I just don't know if either of us are prepared to leave him."

"I understand. I'll send one over shortly before the meeting. It'll be at the seaside cottage, one of the places Lily picked."

"We'll be there, even if I have to drag her from the house."

"Do give her my congratulations, good day, Severus."

Xxxx

Even the sky had been remorseful over the loss of the Longbottoms. It had been heavy with clouds that threatened to break over them. The air was tinged with moisture and a thin fog rolled through the surrounding, deep green hills of their home. It did nothing to improve the mood that had resided over them, one of deep sadness at the loss of a family while also exuberance at the temporary defeat of the Dark Lord.

Lily had been unable to get her emotions under control at the birth of her son. She was completely unprepared to leave him behind but understood the importance of the Order. It would be good for her to get out of the house and be around other people. It was something she hadn't done for months. Even though she hated leaving Harry behind, it was nice to see something other than their Irish home.

Severus arrived at the cottage several minutes before Lily. Unfortunately, they weren't allowed to be seen together, even now. He entered the outrageously small shack to find that it was, thankfully, much larger inside. It smelled of mold and dust, such an unpleasant experience after being out in the salty air that surrounded the home.

He stood awkwardly, it was clear by the looks of distaste that he was unwelcome here. He took one of the glasses of an unknown liquid from the table, if only to blend in more. He swirled the clear drink in his cup as he avoided the gazes of others before downing it completely. Lily arrived then, shooting him a similar look of surprise that he'd received from the other members. She was playing her part well.

She took her seat, anxiously tapping her foot. She was ready to head home, having not wanted to leave in the first place. Other members followed, sitting around the table. Severus sat across from her, between two men he'd never met. Dumbledore took the head of the table, beside him sat two empty chairs. No one needed to ask who they had been for. Despite this being Severus' first meeting, he could feel the grief in the air at a loss of two of their own. No one smiled, not really and voices were much too quiet. Everyone here was subdued, a small representation of their true selves.

Dumbledore cleared his throat then and everyone turned to look up at him expectantly. "It doesn't need to be said that our dear Frank and Alice will be sorely missed. Their contribution to the effort and to the wizarding world in general was substantial. However, our meetings must continue without them. As you are all aware, Lord Voldemort fell last night but I don't believe him to truly be gone, neither does our spy. No, Voldemort will be back, more vengeful than before. It is only a matter of when and we must be prepared for when that time comes."

Around him heads bobbed in agreement although they still voiced their concerns. "How do you know he's not gone?"

Dumbledore looked at Severus pointedly and he gave a slight nod in reply before speaking up. "The Dark Lord feared death above all else. He has left behind signs that tell us he's utilized dark magic to prevent his demise."

"And how do  _you_ know?" Came an incredulous voice of an older gentleman. Before Severus could respond, a woman spoke up, only her question was directed at Dumbledore. "Why have you invited a known Death Eater to join us?"

"He defected quite some time ago and has been assisting us since then." Dumbledore responded

"How do you know he wasn't the one feeding You-Know-Who information?!" Several heads nodded along.

"Severus is the one who caught the traitor. Since his capture, only the information we wanted leaked has been leaked."

"Then how did You-Know-Who find out the location of the Longbottoms?"

"Mistakes were made, and they were poorly hidden."

Mundungus Fletcher made to speak when he was interrupted by Remus. "Severus saved my life…and paid for it. I trust him, as should the rest of you."

The voices wound to a halt, giving Severus another chance. "I have been fighting against the Dark Lord longer than I've been fighting for him. I have spied and lied to keep you all safe." He began undoing the buttons of his life sleeve before rolling it higher up his arm. "During his reign, the mark was blood red." He held his forearm up for those to see. "It remained that way until his fall last night. Looking closely however, the mark is still there. If the Dark Lord was truly gone, the mark would be also. It is but one piece of evidence we have against him. We've been investigating his means of immortality for some time, knowing this would come." He lowered his arm and began redoing the buttons. "Does that satisfy all of you?" He ended with a sneer. Several people still held looks of suspect, not knowing if they could trust him. Regardless, Dumbledore gained control of the conversation once more.

"Now that that's settled, it's important that all of you remain under protection. Even though Lord Voldemort is gone, many of his followers remain. According to Severus, he had many factions of Death Eaters and they weren't allowed access to one another. We don't know how many people could be out there still. Moody?"

"With the help of  _my_ spy, we were able to identify a large number of those that remained. We've arrested most of them, but I don't count on all of them being taken to Azkaban. Many are already claiming they were under the imperious curse which cannot be proved. Malfoy remains untouchable with his position in the ministry and seems to be using the same claim. Continue to remain distrustful of even those close to you and allow us aurors to do our jobs."

"Thank you, Alastor." Dumbledore spoke again before concluding the meeting. The members stood from their chairs once more and talked in hushed tones. Severus received several suspicious stares as a result. He waited, disgruntled, for Lily to leave before he found it safe to do the same, relieved to be home once more.


	20. Better

**Better - Safetysuit**

Xxxx

The timing had been perfect, the Dark Lord had fallen before he could pass on any information about Mulciber's spells. It left Severus in – quite possibly – a worse state than before with nowhere to turn for answers. It in fact had been what brought him here, desperate for relief. The dim waiting room was full of chairs that were used to the point of one more occupant potentially leaving a permanent butt impression in the cushion. Severus sat hesitantly, fearful of exactly that. He bounced his leg in anticipation while he studied the walls around them. They were full of grotesque muggle posters, detailing operations, and medical conditions. Severus had half a mind to walk out of there and spare himself from a similar fate, but no, despite the potential of being sliced open, he had to do this, had to find an answer.

His name was finally called, and he stood unsteadily, heading in the direction of the mediwitch waiting impatiently for him. He was led down a long and equally dim hall and into a room. The fluorescent lights above him flickered and buzzed as the woman asked him a series of unimportant questions that he'd be bound to repeat anyway. When she finished, a nylon wrap was placed around his bicep and began to inflate. As it filled with air the pressure on his arm increased, only stopping when he thought he could take it no more. The air whooshed out suddenly and she scribbled down a series of numbers before leaving him alone to wait, yet again.

A white coated man finally opened the door, inviting himself inside. "Dr. Finkley." He extended a hand to Severus who noted the use of doctor rather than healer. His hand was gripped tightly as the man spoke again. "What are you here for?"

"Pain." Severus replied shortly, already wishing he hadn't come.

"Ah, but  _where?"_ Dr. Finkley held a clipboard and pen in front of him and Severus noticed that as well, the preference for muggle tools.

"Practically everywhere, it's been this was way nearly a year now."

"And what caused it?" His pen poised above the paper, waiting for an answer.

Severus was silent for a moment, unsure whether he should tell him the truth. "Torture."

"You-know-who?"

Severus inclined his head in confirmation.

"Off with it then." He gestured to Severus' clothes and stood. "I'll be back in a moment." With a flick of the man's wand a gown appeared on the nearby table before shutting the door behind him.

Severus undressed quickly, depositing his clothes on the floor, and pushing them beneath the chair he'd been sitting on. Careful not to look at his own unsightly body, he dressed in the gown and sat on the table. A knock came at the door and the doctor appeared once more. Every part of Severus body was manipulated and pushed to it's limit. He fought not to grimace at each movement as he was told to turn this way and that, to bend, to stretch, to push, to pull. The worst part however was when Finkley  _looked_ at him, at the mauve blotches that stained his skin, running next to the scars that he'd received from his father, the Dark Lord, even himself. The doctor's sight lingered just a second too long on the now pale dark mark and when he spoke again his tone was colder.

"What do you want me to do?"

"Is it too much to ask to  _fix_ me?"

"Well, there's surgery."

No, he wouldn't have this muggle fanatic cutting into him for no reason. "What else?"

"Injections, physical therapy, prescriptions…"

"There are no spells that'll work then?" It was a foolish question, he already knew the answer.

"I'm afraid not, whatever spell was used to inflict those injuries I think will fight against any spell trying to heal it. He knew what he was doing."

Severus curled his lip in unfortunate agreement. "Let's try it then, all of it."

"You understand, Mr. Snape, that it's not a cure, merely a treatment of the symptoms."

"Of course." He fought not to roll his eyes. "But, I'll take what I can get."

"Very well then. Do you have time today for injections?"

Without responding Severus fired off a patronus, informing Lily. "That'll be fine."

Dr. Finkley stared at him wide eyed for a moment before he gave a tiny shake of the head, willing himself back to normal. "I must say, I didn't think someone like you was capable of such light magic."

"Someone like me?" A hint of venom entered Severus' voice as it shown through his eyes.

"My apologies, I merely meant…"

"I know what you meant. Shall we get started?"

"Yes…yes…Follow me."

Severus did as he was told and followed the other man from the room as he clutched the back of his gown in an attempt to not moon the rest of the office. He was led into an impossibly cold room and felt good bumps rise on his skin. He took a seat on the table he was directed to.

"Now, I was thinking your hips, low back, and shoulders would be the best bet."

Severus nodded. "Six needles then."

Finkley raised an eyebrow at him. "I didn't expect a pureblood to know what those were. The kind we use are purely a muggle invention."

"It would be best if you stopped assuming."

"Fair enough, lay back."

Severus did as he was told, only relaxing when a blanket was laid over his lower half, giving him the illusion of privacy.

"Excuse me for a moment."

Severus waited patiently despite the rock in his stomach. He'd had vaccinations as a child, being part muggle meant there was a slim chance he could get sick and sick he had on a few occasions. These weren't the first needles he was destined to be poked with. He wasn't afraid necessarily, he'd experienced his fair share of severe pain in his life time. Yet, despite it all, he couldn't ignore the ball of nervousness inside him.

Before he could think on it much longer, the doctor and mediwitch from before returned with a series of supplies. First came the dark orange dye, a disinfectant they had said. As it was applied to various parts of his skin, Severus couldn't help but wonder if they froze the stuff beforehand and the chill in his bones increased. Drapes came next, a way to keep things sterile while showing an embarrassing amount of his body. A machine he didn't recognize was lowered above him, releasing a series of clicks, and causing images of Severus' spine to appear on a nearby screen.

There was no warning for what came next, merely a sudden stick, causing him to flinch in surprise. As the needle passed through his skin he felt a burning sensation and a desire to move, to make the feeling stop. The burn was soon replaced by an intense pressure that made him wish for the burning instead. A sudden surge of pain shot through every nerve, down to his foot and to both hands. He squeezed his eyes tightly in an attempt to keep him from moving or crying out and then, just like that, it was over. The whole process only took a minute, yet he had no desire to do again. He grit his teeth as he prepared for the next injection, the jab, the burn, and the shooting pain, along with a whir and a click above him.

He pushed his mind to focus on something else, to count the tiles of the floor or to watch Finkley's reflection in the metal tray next to him. It was rather funny how it affected Severus, as each needle entered his body he felt more and more drained as though the needles were drawing his energy out of him as they left his body. In reality, as painful as each round was, it was really nothing compared to everything else he'd been through over the years. There was the continuous torture from the Dark Lord of course but also the physical pain he endured, having his leg  _literally_ severed, the trials he'd been through while trying to adjust to life without two legs. This was nothing, the pain of it was miniscule compared to every other aspect of his life. It was the fact that it was  _one more_  thing he had to go through and that he knew it wouldn't be the last. It was knowing that this was just the beginning of it all. If these shots gave him  _any_ relief it would still only be temporary. He would be coming back to this office eventually, going through this again, in mere weeks potentially. Owing his life to experiments was becoming a new normal. This place in and of itself was an experiment. Years ago, "Doctor" Finkley had been a healer at St. Mungo's but his fascination with muggles led him to opening this place, to treat patients like Severus who had exhausted their efforts in the wizarding world. For being such an advanced society, Wizards had very few methods to treat their sick and injured. Spells and potions were the only things used to fix those that needed it and as Severus had learned, those could be useless.

"We're all done." The doctor suddenly said. The mediwitch who had assisted held out her hand to help Severus into a sitting position. As he sat once more his head swam and he tried his best not to move for fear of losing his lunch or falling over, both were likely. A garish orange bottle was shoved into his hand and Severus looked at it suspiciously, reading over the label.  _Narcotics_ he thought, something he'd never tried for the wizarding world didn't hand those out either. At the look of confusion on his face the doctor spoke again. "Herbs and potions can only do so much, give this a try."

Severus shifted his head slightly before muttering a thank you.

"When you feel like standing you're free to go." The two others walked from the door, leaving Severus alone in the room. He sat there a minute more before skeptically putting weight on both legs and slipping back into his robes. Steadying himself against the table momentarily he disapparated home.

Xxxx

A fierce cry broke out from the nursery at the sheer indignancy of being a baby. Only moments before Harry laid peacefully asleep, emitting only small snuffs as he dreamed. At the sound of the cry, Severus cracked open one eye, glancing at the clock beside him. Three thirty, on the dot, just like every other morning. He shifted painfully on the mattress as he felt Lily's weight lift from it. As his body adjusted to the shift in the cushion, his eyes pushed tighter together, and his lip came up in a grimace. The injections had helped some, but a stiffness still settled inside of him during the night. The room around them was stained with the blackness of the dark night. It invaded his every being as he heard the gentle voice of Lily next door.

Severus sat up, placing his palms on the bed behind him. He inhaled once, twice, three times before feeling stable enough for the next step as he swung his legs out from under the blankets. He stood steadily on his leg, grasping his cane tightly in his left hand. With it, he hopped steadily from the room. It was a practiced movement, one he'd grown accustomed too over the past two years. His remaining leg had strengthened, making such a movement possible without depleting his energy completely, even if he did look a bit like a bunny rabbit.

"You didn't need to get up." Her voice came quietly as he entered the room. In her arms, Harry drank from his bottle.

"It's pointless really, sleep. I drift off just to be woken again."

"As things usually are when you're a parent."

"Ah, but generally you're supposed to sleep while the child is." Leaning the cane against a nearby wall he held his arms out. "I can take him, go sleep."

She nodded regretfully, staring at her son a moment more before giving in and handing him over.

She watched from the shadows of the doorway as Severus rocked gently in the chair with their babe in his arms. He'd thrilled her in many ways over the years, both before their fallout and after they'd gotten back together. Yet, none of it was how she made him feel  _now._

She remembered the one kiss they had shared years before while they were still at Hogwarts, it was shortly before everything between them blew up. They'd been having yet another argument about the different life paths they had chosen. During that time, they seemed to bicker nearly every day, looking back it was a surprise their friendship had lasted as long as it did.

That particular evening the two of them had snuck to the top of the Astronomy tower with the intention of just spending time together, no books between them. She'd made some snide comment about the people he spent his time with, with the expectation his voice would drop to that dangerously low timber as he reminded her of the people she spent  _her_  time with. Instead, he had kept quiet, only staring at her with an utterly unreadable expression. He'd leaned forward suddenly, taking her by surprise as his overly wet lips were placed on hers. She'd had the intention of pulling away, breaking the moment, but in a split second she realized she had no desire to end it and gave into the kiss instead. It was an experience that had stuck with her, how  _could_ she forget such a time? It had been their first kiss despite the fact it wasn't followed by another for many years.

She absentmindedly reached up, twisting the ring that now decorated her finger. The last thing she had ever expected during their school years was to be Mrs. Snape and now, here she was. Unfortunately, it was only that way in the muggle world, a place Lord Voldemort would never look. If their marriage had been legally registered in the wizarding world, it would be all too easy for him to track them down, to end all of this.

"You're staring"

The voice broke her from her thoughts, her hand dropping to her side. "I know, I just…" She bit her lip and smiled slightly. "I don't think you understand how arousing this is."

"…Sitting down?"

She smirked at his sarcasm. "Seeing how you are with Harry. I just never pegged you for the type of a loving father."

"And yet, here we are." Severus gestured around the room quietly. "Now go, I'll be in in a minute." He made a shooing motion and she obeyed, returning to their bed, thankful for the break he had given her. The treatment he'd received a couple of weeks prior had been, thankfully, effective. It had taken the brooding, ornery man she had been growing accustomed to and turned him into back into the sarcastic Severus she had known so many years ago. Although waves of pain came occasionally, he could now move and act like a normal,  _healthy_ person.

Hogwarts classes had resumed shortly after he'd received the injections. They'd spent the months after Harry's birth squabbling over the situation. She'd pushed for him to take the job with Pomfrey like Dumbledore had previously suggested and Severus had originally  _wanted._ However, he felt the desire to go after Slughorn's position. In the end, that's what he had chosen, Potions Master.

Slughorn begrudgingly remained on staff as the head of house but no longer had the need to teach. Instead, according to Severus, he spent the majority of his time locked up in his quarters unless a student needed him.

It hadn't been much of a change, Severus still left every morning and returned every evening at the same time. He had practically been teaching the class as an assistant, now he was merely paid the salary of a professor. That hadn't stopped Lily from worrying though, something that seemed to aggravate him. He had struggled with making it to work everyday and it had done little for his mental health, along with everything else. But, something she had learned in their time together was that she couldn't tell him what to do. Occasionally he would listen to her input, but he seemed to always go his own way no matter what she had said. She knew he was fearful for Voldemort's return. It would happen eventually, and they had no way of really knowing when that was. He was preparing, he said, trying to do what would please his "master" and prevent him from being murdered. Although he hadn't said as much, she couldn't help but wonder if Voldemort had known about his desire to take a position in the hospital wing and had clearly been against it. In the short time since his downfall, Severus had joined the Order and changed his position within the school, both things Voldemort had requested before his defeat. Severus would never admit it, but she could tell he was afraid, not just for himself but her and Harry as well.

The injections had been helpful, had helped him secure the position as this wasn't a job he could skip out on like before. He had been in immense pain the first couple days after the procedure, but now seemed to be  _healed_ completely, although she knew that wasn't true. The marks on his skin still remained, the pain of that went with them was simply gone. The physical therapy worked hand in hand, making him feel better all over, bringing him back to life.

Xxxx

Her sides rose slowly beneath the covers and his spirits were dampened by the fact that she had already fallen asleep. He'd had the desire to explore her, to run his hands over her beautiful skin and now it seemed those hopes had been dashed.

He lifted the blankets as quietly as possible before slipping inside next to her. Severus gently placed his lips to the tender skin of her neck, just below her now short hair. He breathed in the scent of her, the creamy scent of vanilla and some flower he couldn't place. Relaxing against her, one of his arms snaked over her side to hold her close. She turned against his touch, rolling over to face him. Even in the black of the night he could see the bright smile that adorned her lips as she pressed them to his. The hand that had been draped over her wound it's way up her low back, her shoulders, and finally settled on the back of her neck, pressing her deeper into him as she kissed him hungrily. He released his grip and instead ran a finger along the curve of her neck, grazing the gentle skin of her collarbone. His lips separated from hers and he moved to nip along her jawline.

His body had slowly risen against the mattress, moving to lean over hers more and more. He hadn't even noticed the movement until he felt the palm of her hand pressed against his chest, signaling to stop. He did as she commanded and laid beside her once more, returning to simply enjoying the scent of her skin and the way she brushed against him as she rolled back onto her side, sleep threatening to take over. Placing a hand gently on the curve of her waist, he relaxed and they both drifted off once more.

Xxxx

 **A/N:** I apologize for such a late update, I don't typically wait so long between updates. It's been quite the week to say the least. On Thursday, the 9th, I'm having shoulder surgery which will clearly make writing hard. I'll spend my downtime plotting the story and hopefully I'll have an update within a few weeks, depending on my recovery, just a heads up.

I'm sorry if this chapter was boring. I'd just like to remind you all that despite everything, this story  _is_ primarily about chronic pain and I haven't focused on that as much lately. I had my own injections this week which is what this chapter was based on. Clearly, the story is currently set in the 1980's, medical advancements however are much farther ahead and are based on the medical world of today.

Thank you for all the followers and reviews I've gained in my absence, I appreciate all your support!


	21. We Don't Know

**We Don't Know - The Strumbellas**

Xxxx

Severus deposited the stack roughly on the desk. The edges of each paper were curled and worn from the countless times he'd read them. Throughout the months, since he'd started on this not so little project, he'd given Dumbledore an update here and there, but nothing was definitive, not until now. Dumbledore picked up the first piece of parchment, scanning the words carefully before looking back at Severus with a raised eyebrow.

"You're positive?"

Severus reached over the desk, rummaging through the stack until he found the parchment he wanted. "After this? Quite." He pointed to a single line.

The headmaster looked down again, muttering the line underneath his breath in an attempt to grasp its full meaning.

"The transfer is complete. The pounding in my veins grows stronger, no longer just mine, but his as well." He looked up once more and Severus watched the confusion in his eyes fade.

"We were merely a test."

"Surely this isn't Lord Voldemort's writing, his paranoia would put journaling out of the question."

"No." Severus said, confirming the suspicion. "This piece dates from the 1700s. I merely happened upon it."

"And did you 'happen upon it' in legal ways?"

Severus gave a huff, allowing a small smile to play on his lips. The truth was he'd committed a series of  _illegal_  deeds in order to even find it. "Let's just say it's owner doesn't realize it's missing."

Dumbledore strummed a finger across his chin in thought. "If you were a test…he's done it, hasn't he? Finished the process?"

"Well, what was he like during his school days?"

Dumbledore's eyes darkened at the question, as the memories of those times plagued him. " Cunning, manipulative, he had the student body under his finger. It was only once it was too late that we, the other professors and I, realized what he was doing."

Severus had heard this all before, how the Dark Lord had exhibited practically every trait that made one a Slytherin. It made him wonder if there was any truth to the statement he'd heard Lord Voldemort claim before, that he was the heir. "Nothing else strikes you as…different?"

Dumbledore looked at him as realization hit. "His appearance."

Severus nodded ever so slightly. "It seems he may be taking on the physical attributes of whoever his victim is. Blood seems to have changed him more than we thought. I have ideas, but." He shook his head, almost in disbelief. "I have no proof."

"If they're still alive, he could return at any time, at any form, and we might not even know." Dumbledore sighed, rubbing his wrinkled forehead in irritation. "How do we catch a criminal – a  _murderer_ , when we don't even know what they look like?"

"Not necessarily." Severus once again rummaged through the parchment. "It mentions the host can only be temporarily, holding two souls weakens the body over time." He glanced up from the paper beneath him, looking at the headmaster once more. "You told me when the Longbottoms were…" Even saying their name struck him, reminded him how easily it could have been his own family. "…That there was no body, only blood. He will return to his own body eventually, but in the meantime, he may wreck havoc on it's host."

Dumbledore reclined in his chair, looking away from the stack for the first time and intertwining his fingers. He was quiet for a moment as he processed the new information. In the stretch of silence, Severus sat, looking at him expectantly.

"The Longbottom boy is in danger, Lord Voldemort will come back." Severus nodded silently as Dumbledore stated the obvious. "This." He gestured to the papers. "Is all a part of Voldemort's knowledge but it seems we may have something he doesn't." It was Severus' turn to look confused as Dumbledore continued once more. "At the beginning of all this, you dappled with the idea of horcruxes. It seems he may have accidentally created one with Neville."

"That's not possible, it's a complicated process, not one that can merely  _happen_."

"Nevertheless, it has. I believe it's how the boy survived the attack. Murder tears the soul apart, with Voldemort's track record it was only a matter of time until his soul broke entirely, leaving a piece behind. With Voldemort's disappearance after the murder of the Longbottoms, it seems his soul latched onto the only living thing it could."

Severus sighed deeply. They had a long road ahead of them to end this war and the mastermind – no,  _madman_  – behind it.

Xxxx

Upon stepping over the threshold, Severus stretched backward trying to relieve his aching back. Voices carried down the hall, both ones he'd come to recognize although they certainly didn't carry the same amount of affection. He took determined steps toward them, Lily and Sirius. The man had been… _intruding_  on his home for over a year, yet Severus still wasn't used to having him so near. Sure, he was appreciative of everything Sirius did for his family, that didn't mean he had to like him. He and Sirius tried to get along, they truly did. They put on a show of smiles and friendliness but it was all for Lily. When she was gone they simply avoided one another whenever possible. There was too much history, too much bad blood between them to simply wipe away.

Sirius glanced at him first as he reached the doorway, it was the indifferent stare Severus had grown accustomed to. Lily's however, her beaming smile and bright eyes made him want to crumple on the spot. He'd never considered himself to be romantic but when it came to her he was an absolute sap. He smiled genuinely back at her as she balanced a growing Harry on her hip and swayed side to side.

"Did you hear there was another break in?" She started by way of hello as she beckoned him over to her before turning her gaze back to Sirius upon Severus' insistence that no, he had not heard.

The other man cleared his throat. "It was muggle this time, happened a week ago, muggle authorities are claiming it was staged, there was no sign of an intruder -"

"Because it was done magically." Severus finished for him.

Sirius stared for a minute, eying him. "…Right."

Lily bit her lip nervously, not catching what Sirius had. "They don't have any idea who it is."

"No one's been hurt and little has been stolen. The person doesn't seem like a threat." Severus brushed off her unprecedented worry.

"You're right, I'm being silly." She forced a smile once more, turning to face him. She studied his face, his tired, unfocused eyes.

Severus watched absentmindedly as Sirius stepped from the room and Lily followed after. He barely noticed when she handed over their child, barely heard her say goodbye to the other man. He stayed, rooted to the spot, mind preoccupied with the news Lily had told him. It had been him of course, shameful as he was to admit it and Lily certainly didn't know. Books had only gotten him so far, they'd given him leads of where he could find possible information, or rather the information he was actually searching for.

He'd been careful of course, he used the invisibility cloak and silent spells to get in and out of where he needed to be and only after he was sure the building was unoccupied. As of late, only five of his intrusions had been reported, he'd committed many more. Severus couldn't help but wonder just how his existence had been noticed, he was careful to leave things untouched. Now, hearing that his most recent expedition had been discovered he was beginning to grow worried. Although, he couldn't say he was surprised. In the past, he'd only taken items he truly needed and replaced them with a duplicate. This last book, the muggle owned one, had had some type of spell to prevent Severus from enacting the same safeguards as before. Instead, he'd been forced to take it and according to the recent reports, it had been noticed. He was comforted only by the fact that he was done, he'd found what he'd needed.

Ironically, the most crucial information, what he'd delivered to Dumbledore earlier that day, had been found in a muggle home. It hadn't been entirely unexpected, the family was ancestors of a squib that had been mentioned in one of the many books Severus had read and reread. It had been a throwaway name mentioned alongside the dark magic Severus had been investigating: Amina Aduno. Part of him couldn't help but wonder if the squib in question had used such a method to gain a more magical talent, to 'steal magic' as they say. The other part wondered if it worked. To his disappointment, none of that had been mentioned in the journal that Severus had found.

Xxxx

"Sev?" She called again to no response. His mind seemed to be elsewhere, it'd been that way a lot lately, he'd been burying himself in a new stack of books but nothing seemed to satisfy him, he could never find what he was looking for, not until recently. "Severus!" She called again, louder. With a snap of her fingers, he seemed to remove himself from his thoughts. "What's the matter from you?" Her arms went up in the air before landing back at her sides as she huffed.

Severus frowned, more at himself than her. "I'm sorry…I met with Dumbledore after classes, I guess my mind is still preoccupied."

She gave a slight roll of her eyes in return. "I don't know what has you so distracted but you've been distant for some time." A realization dawned on her then and she continued. "Since shortly after Harry was born…"

His eyes grew wide suddenly, something she hadn't been expecting at all. "Oh, no, it's not that." He shifted Harry so he could better look at him to prove his point. "Sure, he complicates things a bit but I don't  _resent_ him like you seem to be suggesting. It's merely work, teaching can be rather tiring…combined with the work for the order…"

Her eyes softened at his response and she drew closer to him. She placed his arm around his waist, leaning her head on to his chest so that she was almost eye level with Harry. "Don't stretch yourself too thin."

"I'm afraid it's a bit late for that. Although Albus and I have made quite a breakthrough."

"Does that mean I actually get to  _see_  you tonight? Not the back of your head as you're sucked back into reading?"

He gave her a quick peck on the lips before responding, as if it would keep her from being disappointed. "I'm afraid not, now I have papers to grade." He cocked his head to the front room where he had left his things.

Lily sighed as she took Harry from him. She'd seen little of him in the weeks, rather months, that Severus had been investing himself into whatever this was. Between that and the promotion, she felt as though they never saw one another anymore.

A while later, she stood in the kitchen preparing dinner while Harry was down for a nap and Severus sat at the table. "Shrinking solutions make things smaller." Severus read aloud to her. "Ah, the remarkable intelligence of second years."

"Not everyone was a master at age 10." Lily remarked.

"That's not an excuse to fill a 12-inch parchment with useless, obvious sentences." Severus stood from his place and made his way over to her. "Next he'll be telling me that polyjuice tastes funny."

Lily turned slightly so she could see his face. "Just how would you know that one?"

He was against her now, the front of him pressed fully into her back and his lips inches from her ear. He couldn't help but smirk at the question. "Purely from educational sources."

"And not personal experience?" Her eyebrow raised ever so slightly.

"Absolutely not." The devilish grin on his face told her otherwise. Voldemort may not be able to read him but to her, he was an open book.

He breathed against her, sending shivers down her skin and forcing any thought from her mind. In response, she bumped him with her hip, sending him away even though she was tempted to give in. She glared at him from beneath her eyelashes, but couldn't stop from smirking all the same. In response, a chuckle came from Severus suddenly. The scrolls of parchments he'd been grading were left abandoned on the table as he came close once more.

Reaching into the drawer beside her, he removed a knife and began chopping vegetables while she toiled over the stove. The moment was pregnant with a content silence, filled only with the rhythmic slice and thud of his knife and the burbling of water that boiled in her pan. A cry came suddenly and Severus couldn't help but be a bit disappointed at the interruption. With a kiss and a lingering brush of skin, he left the room once more.

Xxxx

Nearly every grin he was capable of was reserved for Lily. Here, in the musty dungeons of the castle, he was the picture of a stoic calm. His control over the classroom had come almost instantly. The students had witnessed some of his personality when he'd been merely an aid to Slughorn. With the old man out of the way, Severus was free to run the classroom how he always thought it should have been. Dragging himself out of bed each morning was worth it to see the obedient fear in his student's eyes. It was the same fear that made them pay attention and learn, whether they wanted to or not.

Today, he passed back the first essay he had given, the first essay the second years had ever received in potions. The room was still, they were only a few months into the term and none of the young students had dared to defy him yet. It was because of this that the tension in the room was palpable as each student unrolled their scroll of parchment to see how they did.

Although he would never tell them, Severus was rather impressed with how they had done. He'd given higher marks than he had expected to, even to the most dimwitted students. It seemed they weren't quite as useless as they had first seemed. He'd make potion master's out of them yet.

Severus leaned against his desk at the front of the room, crossing his arms over his chest and bending one ankle over the other, giving his injured leg some much-needed rest. He stayed that way as each student in front of him stuffed their essay with the rest of their things before turning to face him once more. When all eyes were on him and the sound of ruffling papers stopped, he flicked his wand, allowing instructions to appear on the board –  _his_  instructions. They'd done research on shrinking solutions, now they would brew some.

His lip curled into a sneer as he spoke. "Your ingredients are on the far right counter and as always, you'll find the appropriate instructions on the board. Begin."

The sound of wooden chairs scraping against the dark, stone floor filled the room as children made their way to the ingredients. Severus watched exasperatedly as some of them took far more than necessary, leaving very little for everyone else. He was glad that he still set out the necessary ingredients rather than let them sift through everything. Merlin knows what would come up missing then.

It still amazed him how utterly incompetent some of them were at such a simple task. Flavius Pluck practically shredded his caterpillars while Florentia Thorn chopped hers roughly in half and decided that was good enough. Severus groaned inwardly at the sight of it all. He strolled the room, peering into cauldrons, looking for anything potentially dangerous. While some were close to the necessary acid green, others were an array of colors. Most notably was Florentia's, which was a disgusting shade of hot pink, something Severus wasn't aware was even possible. A putrid smell filled the room suddenly and Severus turned, looking for the culprit. A violent cough gave the culprit away almost immediately.

"Trying to kill us all yet again, Finwick?" He raised an eyebrow menacingly at the boy as he vanished the potion. "The instructions are there for a reason, perhaps you should use them if you don't wish to fill your grade with zeros. Five points from Hufflepuff." He returned to his desk without another word, not even giving the boy a chance to defend himself. With a quick glance, Severus checked his timepiece and found that only a few minutes remained, much to his relief. "Wands down, bring your vials to me if you wish to receive credit for today's assignment."

One by one the students filed before him, placing their labeled potion on his desk. Severus listened to each clink of glass as the vials were set down and soft footsteps as the owners walked away and from the classroom. As the last student left, leaving Severus all alone, he leaned forward, pinching the bridge of his nose. It was on days like this that Severus wondered why he ever took the job, why he hadn't chosen working alongside Madam Pomfrey instead.

He opened his eyes, not having realized they'd been squeezed shut in the first place, and saw a torn piece of parchment on the floor only a meter or so away. Walking over to it, he plucked it from the ground, flipping it over to read the messy writing scrawled across it

_We know what you've done._

Xxxx

 **A\N:**  Well surgery went well and I can type again! It also gave me plenty of time to brainstorm, for all of my stories and then some. Prepare for a lot of updates!


	22. Window

**Window - Guster**

Xxxx

He read the slip of paper once more with a façade of disinterest. As he crumpled the parchment and shoved it into one of his robe pockets he examined the classroom, looking for any prying eyes. It could have been any of them. They'd formed a line, they'd all congregated in the same place. It would have only taken a moment to discreetly drop something. Severus wasn't even sure it was for  _him._ Perhaps it was merely a mistake, that must be it…but what if it wasn't? What did to they know? About Lily and Harry? His allegiance to the light? Or was it simply his most recent escapades? How would anyone know about any of those things? He'd been careful, they all had been.

He couldn't help the image of Sirius that popped into his mind. Despite their differences, he  _did_ know Sirius was a good man. He would never allow anyone to hurt them. If nothing else, he would protect Lily and Harry. Severus had seen the way Sirius looked at the boy, the complete adoration and love in the man's eyes.

That thought only brought up the next, Marlene. Despite Sirius' assurances that it hadn't been anything serious, Severus wondered how true that was. The grief of her death struck Sirius hard. Combined with Sirius' love for Harry, Severus couldn't help but wonder if Marlene could have been more than the Sirius had said, if she could have been Sirius' family.

No, this wasn't Sirius' doing. He would never align himself with the ones who had murdered Marlene and James. Severus knew he had lived his life to distance himself from his family's ordeals. He'd been the only one to fall away. Even poor Regulus, the youngest Black, had died on the Dark Lord's side. Despite everything that connected Sirius to Lord Voldemort, the same, if not more, connected him to the light.

The other option was Remus. He'd never given Severus a reason to doubt his alliance. Although they too had, had their times of strife, it ran so much deeper than that. Underneath the wolf's skin was a good heart whether Severus wanted to believe it or not. Perhaps, what was worse, was knowing that Sirius had one too. Severus made a face of disgust to himself at the mere thought. They'd been at odds with one another even as adults, but deep down they were still acting like children to one another.

He shrugged his shoulders as if actively shirking off the terror he could feel. Not only could the note have come from anyone, but it could have been meant for anyone. He tried to reason with himself, force himself to believe it was true. Despite the voice that told him it was meant for him, he had another class to prepare for. Until he could learn more, he had certain duties to perform and he did so. He wouldn't give over his power to the unknown by showing his utter fear.

Xxxx

Severus arrived ten minutes after she did. He shot her a quick glance as he made his way to the refreshment table for some fire whiskey before collapsing heavily into one of the few empty chairs. Several seats down, on the opposite side of the table, Lily sat next to Remus. The two of them whispered intently to one another

He adverted his eyes once more and felt his lids fall shut. Placing a hand across his forehead, he sat in the temporary dark, wishing for silence. His head pounded against his palm.  _Stress._ He reasoned with himself.  _That's all it is._ He'd certainly been dealing with enough of it. The door to the safehouse opened again and closed with an all too loud thud. Severus sipped at the clear liquid filling his glass, relishing in the burn as it slid down his throat.

When the all too familiar brogue spoke, he forced his eyes open despite his will to sleep then and there. He watched Dumbledore's lips move but couldn't seem to focus on the words that came out. He straightened in his chair and shifted his neck from side to side in a stretch. It was then he noticed Lily watching him, a hint of concern on her face. He grimaced back at her before facing forward. Severus wrinkled his forehead in concentration as he tried to focus on the words coming out of Dumbledore's mouth.

"…we've known. It is to the best of my knowledge that Lord Voldemort's return is imminent. We are afraid he'll return to finish the job, to go after the boy that was his ultimate demise. I urge all of you to recast your safety spells, to guard your houses once more. I'm afraid he'll come after each of you, eliminating his enemies one by one – yes, Mr. Diggle?" Dumbledore nodded at the man who had his hand raised.

"How can we be sure he's returning?" The man stared at him skeptically.

"One of our allies has been researching the methods Lord Voldemort might use to return. We've narrowed it down to a few possibilities. They each give Voldemort the power to return now. We may meet his wrath again tomorrow, it may not be for several years. Until we know for sure, it's important to protect ourselves once again and be prepared."

Dedalus Diggle nodded and Dumbledore continued once more. "Until we know more I recommend each of you to lie low and to once again be careful who you place your trust with. As you know, we were taken advantage of by a spy once before, we don't need it to happen once again. Unfortunately, I can't give you more information at this time other than maybes and possibilities. All I can do is urge you to be careful."

A collective sigh filled the room. Each of them had been through this before. They'd watched their brethren be murdered for simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time, or as in the case of Neville Longbottom, for being born on the wrong day. The fall of Lord Voldemort had been a relief, they'd each breathed a little bit easier, yet in mere months they were back here once more. The members of the order stared at each other in fearful annoyance. It wasn't Dumbledore's fault they were here again but none of them were prepared for it.

They stood at their dismissal, none of them interested in mingling this time. Severus threw his drink back, finishing what little remained before standing and walking from the building without so much as a goodbye. He stepped outside into the rainy, English night. The safehouse used this evening had been hidden in the moors. They'd easily remained unseen.

Severus walked beyond the barrier protecting the house. Several members, including Lily, walked closely behind him. Each destined for their own homes. As he prepared to disapparate, a sudden itch crept into his left forearm.  _It's just an itch._ He told himself in the dark night.  _Perhaps it's just a bug bite or the beginning of a rash._ It wasn't like he was immune to feeling in his left arm, these sensations were bound to happen occasionally. Yet he couldn't help the fear building in his stomach. He spun on the spot and disapparated to his home.

"You're dismissed." He spoke gruffly to the house elf the second he landed. With a quick bow, Teeny disapparated, leaving him alone. Severus quickly shoved up his sleeve as Lily apparated to spot near him. He turned to face her, arm out stretched and mouth agape. The dark mark was no longer a nearly invisible light pink, but instead it was a deepening red. It entered his mind once more:  _We know what you've done._

Xxxx

Lily stared at him in similar horror. She'd known where Dumbledore had gotten his information, it had always been Severus, she'd known what he said to be true, but to see proof of it was entirely different. She enveloped him in a hug almost immediately in an attempt to comfort him and herself.

"It's nothing" He whispered, his mouth only inches from her ear. "It isn't dark enough. He won't be able to summon anyone yet."

She pulled back to look at him as she spoke. "But how long? How long will it take until he can? Hours? Days?

He shook his head, taking his hands off of her waist to place them back onto his own face. "I can't answer that."

She watched as he rubbed his forehead, his eyes seeming to be elsewhere. Lily reached up, her fingers brushing against his skin. Gripping onto his wrists, she pulled his arms back down to his side without letting go. He looked at her for a split second before turning away, breaking eye contact. "Sev…" Her voice was barely above a whisper. "Talk to me."

"There's nothing to say…I just…"

She smirked. "It's me, try as you might I can read you like a book."

He looked back at her then, a similar expression on his lips. "I can never hide anything from you." Tightening his grip on her hand he led her to the back of the house, into their bedroom. The two of them walked across the room, stopping in front of his desk which was still pilled with books. Her eyes glanced across the titles for perhaps the hundredth time. "Blood and It's Many Uses" "Capturing Eternity". She tore her eyes away, reminding herself that these were purely for research. He watched instead as he pulled open one of the drawers and cast a silent spell. Before her eyes a crumpled slip of parchment appeared. He grabbed it, not caring if he wrinkled it more and held it out for her.

Lily grabbed the paper and unfolded it curiously. Her eyes scanned the words scrawled across it before she looked up at him in confusion. "I…I don't understand."

"I'm afraid I don't either." As much as he tried to look nonchalant, he failed. She could tell this was obviously concerning him. "I found it in my classroom this morning."

"And you're sure it was meant for you?"

"No…but what if it was?"

"Sev, I don't understand. What is it you're afraid they know? You joined Dumbledore's side some time ago and under Voldemort's orders."

Severus shook his head. "No, my allegiance has been questioned for some time by several Death Eaters. It would be strange for them to threaten me with that now. I'm afraid it may be related to my research into the Dark Lord's possible return…I just don't know how anyone would know about it."

She turned, leaning against his desk and folding her arms across her chest. "Who does know?"

"Only you and Dumbledore." He gestured towards the pile of books. "It's possible Remus and Sirius have seen these, but I know it wasn't them."

She kept her eyes trained on the books, lost in thought. It seemed he'd already been through this himself, trying to figure out the who and how of the situation. "Who is in your class?"

"What do you mean?" He asked her with a frown.

"Are there any children of Death Eaters?"

"The majority of the children are our age or Harry's age."

She bit her lip then in concentration. Severus smiled at her, her willingness to help get to the bottom of this while keeping the fear from setting in. "I think…there may be someone in there you don't realize is a threat."

"Death Eaters have other ways to get to me."

"No." She shook her head. "Perhaps they're a sympathizer of Lord Voldemort, not necessarily a follower."

He exhaled and gave a small shrug of his shoulders. "It's possible, I guess."

A thought occurred to her then and she straightened, pushing off from the desk. She stepped closer to him, meeting his gaze. "Sev, you think they know your investigating?"

"Yes." He knitted his brows together, curious why she was repeating his words.

"I thought the only place you conducted that research was here…"

He swallowed hard, realizing what he was getting at. "It is."

"Do you…do you think we're being watched?" The two of them turned to look out the nearby window, expecting someone to be standing there now. When they found no one, they turned back to look at each other with a similar fear in each of their eyes.

"I don't know."

Xxxx

**A/N: Apologies for the short chapter.**

**A new guest: I was delighted to get your review. I was afraid I'd lost you as a reader so I was happy to learn that wasn't the case. I hope everything has been going well for you. Thank you so much for your review. It really meant a lot to me.**


	23. Falling Apart

**Falling Apart - Michael Schulte**

**Xxxx**

There it was again, the cream colored paper, only this time it was tucked amongst potions ingredients. The brightness of the parchment was stark against the musty darkness of the dungeon classroom. The fact that it sat there undisturbed, unnoticed by any other student, made Severus wonder if it was enchanted for his eyes only until they'd been found.

He tugged on the visible corner and it curled in on itself as it was pulled from the books. Sliding his finger into the roll he unwound it to find the same writing as before, with an equally cryptic message.

_Time is running out._

Severus swallowed the fearful lump in his throat, displaying the same annoyed indifference as before despite the fact every part of his body was screaming danger. He crumpled this note as he had done the first, stiffing it into his robe pocket with the intention of keeping it with the first one.

Severus didn't know how long it had been there. The previous message had been left during the second class while he hadn't noticed this one until the end of his last class. He'd only noticed the unusual white paper peeking out while he was cleaning up the ingredients for the day. Did he simply miss it earlier? He'd had the same students today as he'd had last time. If it hadn't been left by the same person then how many of these…these…spies? Were there?

And what did the message even mean? It was just as confusing as last time. Was it a sign that the Dark Lord's return was imminent? But, of course, he already knew that. For that reason alone the parchment shouldn't have worried him, but it certainly did.

He tucked the bottle of bicorn horns back on it's designated shelf and shook his head in an attempt to control his thoughts. He hadn't gone to Dumbledore the first time, hoping it was merely someone trying to scare him, but that clearly wasn't the issue. He had to get to the bottom of this before anyone, particularly his family, were hurt…or worse.

He stepped from the classroom with a limp that was growing permanent. A sign of weakness that disgusted him. He'd hid it so well at first, few knew the reality of what had happened to him and he preferred to keep it that way. With a flick of his wand he locked the room and set off for Dumbledore's office with a hobble.

Xxxx

Severus rapped urgently on the door, unable to contain his growing nervousness. He hated how the recent events made him feel, made it hard to pull up his occlumency barriers. It was a dangerous problem to have, this needed to be resolved.

The heavy door in front of him swung open, startling him from his thoughts. Dumbledore sat some distance away behind his desk. A metallic machine whirred and puffed in front of him. He pushed it to the side, giving his full attention to the man who had entered the room. He frowned deeply, staring at Severus' expression and standing.

"Severus? Can I get you some tea?" He tried to urge him towards a chair.

"Something stronger perhaps." He replied in a distracted tone as he lowered his aching bones into the seat behind him. Dumbledore approached a cabinet across the room and removed a dark colored bottle. With a  _pop_  he pulled the cork free of the mulled wine, pouring a set amount in two glasses. He quickly returned, handing Severus his who greedily took a sip.

"Now, I'm guessing you aren't here for mere chitchat."

"No." Severus replied simply as he reached back into his pocket, removing the crumpled parchment. He attempted to smooth the wrinkles against his leg to no avail before handing it over and taking another drink. He swished the liquid in his mouth, savoring the taste as Dumbledore looked at what Severus had passed him. "I found this in my classroom, it's the second one." He offered by way of explanation.

"What did the first say?" Dumbledore glanced back up at him. There was a look in his eyes that Severus hadn't seen before and certainly didn't understand.

"We know what you've done."

The headmaster was silent for a moment, rereading the message and mulling it over before replying. "What do you suspect these mean?"

Severus sighed, defeated. "That's just the problem, I don't know. They could be referencing several things and I'm not sure which is worse."

"And students are leaving them?"

"Its merely a suspicion. Both times they've found their way to me after a class ended."

Dumbledore sighed heavily, clearly equally perplexed by the situation. "Have you learned any more about Lord Voldemort? Perhaps the two things are connected."

"Actually, I have some fairly good information." Severus shifted in his seat. "I've been doing some research and was able to talk with several people – under disguise of course – and it seems that upon The Dark Lord's graduation from Hogwarts he spent some time exploring the country. From what I could tell, he became close to one particular woman, Kanya."

"Lord Voldemort is incapable of love." Dumbledore pointed out.

"Yes, but, he may still experience lust and the power of a good woman. I believe what he had with her was as close to love as possible for him. What's interesting is it seems Kanya is a naga. She was at one time a human being, but has slowly transformed into a snake over the years. I believe she may have reached full snake form by now and may be what is tethering the Dark Lord to this world."

"Her blood?"

"Precisely. When the Dark Lord was creating his Death Eaters, you may recall he used blood. This would create a temporary connection, I believe we were his guinea pigs, as I mentioned before. Do you recall those papers I gave you?"

"The pounding in my veins grows stronger, no longer just mine, but his as well." Dumbledore repeated mechanically.

Severus nodded. "I believe their blood has been mixed, they are no longer two separate beings. They can read one another's mind, control one another, but most importantly, both of them would need to be killed to destroy him." Severus smirked at the headmaster. "It just so happens that the Dark Lord has been rumored to have a pet snake by the name of Nagini

"Who knows about this girl?"

"No one, unless you count a merchant in a Glasgow. However, we are the only ones aware of the blood magic." Dumbledore leaned back with a euphoric look of triumph and Severus continued. "I have just one more piece of information. One reason blood magic is so dangerous is because magical blood carries a part of us within it. If enough blood is used, that person's attributes can be seen in it's new owner."

"For example, if the donor is a snake the receiver may begin to look at one?" A wicked smile crossed Dumbledore's lips.

Xxxx

Severus apparated to the inside of his home and found three sets of eyes staring back at him, four if you included the baby. He remained rooted to the spot, waiting for an explanation. The others in the room seemed to be expecting the same thing. It was finally Lily who broke the silence, pushing away from the table and approaching him. He looked at her curiously as she handed over a rolled up edition of The Daily Prophet. He took it from her without breaking eye contact, the fearful look in her eyes disturbing him. Finally, he looked down at the paper in his hands.

_String of Violent Crimes Reported in Ireland_

_A number of people, muggle and magic alike, have been the victims of numerous break-ins and attacks that have thus far left five dead of mysterious circumstances. It is evident that these are being committed by a witch or wizard. Despite the severity of the murders, they aren't believed to be connected to He Who Must Not Be Named. At this time, no other group or individuals have claimed responsibility and the crimes continue to be under investigation…_

"Ireland, Sev." She bit her lip nervously and he fought the urge to embrace her in front of the others, instead opting for a squeeze of her hand. Remus and Sirius stared back at them still from where they were seated around the table. "What do we do?" Lily asked in a quiet voice.

Severus dropped her hand, lifting it to run through his hair. "I don't know." He said simply, slapping his hands at his sides and dropping his voice to a whisper that only she could hear. "I received another note today. I can't help but the think the events are related."

"They're targeting us?"

"Whoever is behind this doesn't know where we are. I think they're looking."

"But, why?"

"I don't know." He sighed. "But , we cant wait to find out."

He glanced at the other men once more. The look on his face must have scared Remus who blurted instantly "I just found out, I came straight away."

Severus' eyes narrowed dangerously. "Who have you told? Who knows we're here?"

Remus' eyes hardened in response irritated by the distrust. "You know better than to suspect me, I would never-"

"What about you, then?" Severus directed at Sirius who replied with a similar anger and a shake of the head.

"You're the Death Eater here, who have  _you_ told?"

"You're mad if you think I would endanger my family! How dare-

"Severus!" Her hand was suddenly on his chest and he stopped at her touch.

He removed himself from her, walking from the room in silence. The house was only filled with the sound of a slamming door. When he was finally out of view from everyone he tore his sleeve up, desperate to see what lay beneath.

The skull entwined serpent was nearly back to normal, the Dark Lord would be returning any day. Someone was watching them and he had no idea who. They thought they'd be safe here, but it seemed his bad decisions had caught up yet again. And Merlin, the Prophet didn't believe these attacks were related to the Dark Lord? Who else could they  _possibly_ be a part of? Clearly, Voldemort had caught word of Severus' infidelity. He had heard nothing from his fellow Death Eaters, they wouldn't contact him if they thought they'd been betrayed. A name popped into his mind, Lucius, if there was anyone with information, it would be him. Without a second thought, or even a goodbye, he turned on the spot and disapparated, landing in front of the Malfoy Manor.

He steeled his lingering nerves, preparing his mind for whatever awaited him inside. Perhaps it was foolish to come here, he should of at least…no, this had to be done. Before he could change his mind he gripped the knocker and pounded forcefully on the door. It wasn't long before the massive door was pulled open. Looking down, Severus found an oddly shaped creature with tennis ball sized eyes and overly large, dropping ears. The house elf stared at him nervously, quietly as he backed away from the door, allowing Severus to step inside. He clearly recognized one of his master's associates.

"Dobby!" The menacing voice rang through the mansion. Lucius entered the foyer, ending his rant as his eyes landed on Severus. "Dobby." He sneered again. "Fetch us some fire whiskey and make yourself scarce."

Dobby squeaked something about "master" before disapparating, only to reappear moments later with two glasses and a bottle. Following the men into an adjacent room he filled each glass with the clear, fiery, liquid before leaving for a final time.

Lucius picked up one of the glasses, staring at Severus suspiciously. "What brings you here?"

Severus followed, taking his own cup before replying. "Surely you've seen the Prophet?"

"The attacks?"

Severus nodded slightly. "Are they…ours?"

Lucius gave a loud chuckle. "If only. No, we've remained quiet. The Prophet's suspicions are correct." He glared at Severus suddenly. "Why? What makes you ask?"

"The mark." He said with a sip. "It's nearly fully formed. I was afraid the Dark Lord was preparing for his return."

"And…what? You were afraid your little friends forgot about you?"

"Not in so many words, but yes." He responded with a glare of his own.

"Is there a reason that would happen?"

"You know I remain close to the Dumbledore, on the Dark Lord's orders, of course. I'm merely afraid my intentions could be…misinterpreted."

"Should they?" Lucius raised an eyebrow.

"That isn't your decision."

Lucius looked him up and down, considering for a moment. "You're right, about his return that is. I've been by his side more recently. You should expect a call within a few days."

Severus smirked. "I'll clear my schedule."

"The Dark Lord is suspicious."

Severus cocked his head sideways. "My loyalties lie fully with him."

"Where are you living then?"

"In Cokeworth." He scoffed. "Where I've always been."

"Three days a week?"

Severus swallowed, he was being watched in more than one place. "I spend the others at Hogwarts it's simply easier."

"I hope you have the proof to back that up." Lucius looked at him meaningfully.

"I don't need proof, I have the truth." Severus placed his barely touched glass back down. "I appreciate your hospitality and information, but I'm afraid I have some other matters to take care of." Lucius bid his farewells and had Dobby escort his guest to the door.

Severus disapparated, landing in front of the castle with the intention of fabricating memories. He walked slowly into the building as the sky darkened. Few students roamed the halls and he made his way to the dungeon. It was then that he was thankful Slughorn had chosen to reside in separate quarters, leaving the room adjoining the potion's office empty. With a flick of his wand he unlocked the office door and pushed it inwards.

As he stepped into the room something crinkled beneath his boot. Lifting his leg and looking down he found yet another scrap of parchment. His heart thumped in his chest, already knowing what to expect. He shut the door quickly and picked it up, flipping it over. It was once again filled with the writing he regrettably recognized.

_Not all monsters hide in the dark._


	24. Last One Standing

**Last One Standing - Simple Plan**

**Xxxx**

"Lily!" Severus shouted maniacally as he landed in their home. She appeared in the doorway to their bedroom, clutching Harry tightly to her chest in fear. "We have to get out of here!"

"Severus?" She looked close to tears. "What's going on? What happened?"

"I don't have time to explain, I-" As if on cue, his mark began to burn. He swore loudly.

"He's back…isn't he?" She asked, fully crying.

"It's so much worse than that." He fought to ignore the intense fire in his arm, something he'd be greatly punished for. He flicked his wand, wordlessly summoning some of Harry's things. He scooped the few items into his arms before gripping Lily tightly. In seconds they apparated to somewhere in Great Britain before apparating again, landing in Nice, France. As it was growing later, few people wandered outside and they were almost completely alone, they hadn't been noticed.

"Hide yourself." He passed the things in his arms to Lily, only holding on to the invisibility cloak. He pressed his lips to hers passionately, afraid this may be the last time. She shook as he held her and he fought not to do the same as he kissed Harry on the head. He wrapped the cloak around them and they quickly disappeared from few. With a whispered "I love you" to both of them, he disapparated a final time.

Severus arrived at headquarters frantically. He stood anxiously as he was searched and his wand was taken before rushing to the interrogation room.

"My Lord!" He called, not caring for what punishment he may receive. In return, Lord Voldemort glared at him menacingly, the thought of death in his eyes. Severus noticed the new, greenish hue to his skin and the snake that curled lovingly around his legs, for he was no longer keeping her hidden. "I have important news." He glanced at the Death Eaters that filled the room. "I must speak to you in private, my Lord, it's urgent."

"The Longbottom boy has been kidnapped! I do not have time for your frivolous updates!"

"On the contrary, my Lord, I know who has him."

The light in the Dark Lord's eyes changed, still filled with an anger, but no longer at him. With it mingled a since of accomplishment. "Out, all of you!" The Death Eaters filed from the room. The number had grown and there were faces that Severus recognized, ones that should be in Azkaban. When the last follower left and the door was shut, Severus fell to his knees in front of his Master.

"Well? Where is he? What is so important that you must interrupt our plan of attack? And why, dear Severus, did you arrive  _late?_ " He fingered his wand dangerously.

"My Lord, it's all connected. The boy is with Dumbledore."

"Dumbledore? No, you are mistaken. He has been  _kidnapped."_

"You misunderstand, my Lord…Dumbledore's…not what he seems." Lord Voldemort raised an eyebrow at him suspiciously and Severus went on. "During my time by his side there have been hints about his true allegiance, ones I was too ignorant to catch. I don't yet understand it but it became clear to me this evening. I was tipped off."

"How can I be sure this isn't a trick? That you haven't switched sides?" The grip on his wand tightened.

"My Lord…my faith is fully in you. Albus Dumbledore must be stopped. He's after the same thing you are, domination, only he's been secretive about his ways. He's been using the Order to achieve it by pretending we were after you all along. He wishes to defeat you for his gain. He has persuasion over the Ministry, he's looked at as a hero…it's all been a ruse."

"Find him, you will lead us to him."

"Yes, my Lord." Severus pushed himself from the ground quickly despite his body's protesting. He hurried from the building in a Manor similar to how he arrived. When he was out in the night air, he dashed down an abandoned alley way and fired off his large, lumbering patronus.

 _I need to speak with you urgently._ He said simply. Only seconds later was he answered with an address. Wasting no time, he disapparated.

Severus arrived outside what seemed to be an abandoned house. He knocked loudly before clutching his arm as he winced, feigning Voldemort's call. It was answered suddenly and he was ushered in.

"He's back." Severus burst. "The Dark Lord is back."

Dumbledore glanced down at Severus' arm. "Go, give him what you have to." Severus nodded and began to turn before the soothing voice of the traitor came again. "Be careful, Severus."

"I will." Severus disapparated once more, only not back to Lord Voldemort. Instead he reappeared near the house Dumbledore was holed up in. Disappearing into a patch of bushes, Severus waited. He watched carefully for any sign of movement inside the house. When he was sure he wasn't being watched, he sent two patronuses. The first was meant for Lily. If Voldemort showed up, the Order would be called in an instant. They wouldn't know not to trust Dumbledore, it was Lily's duty to tell them. The second, begrudgingly, was sent to the Dark Lord. Severus had no desire to inform his master he was capable of a patronus, but he couldn't leave his look out. He would have to face Voldemort's wrath later.

After a moment, the mark on his arm flashed momentarily, as if in confirmation that his message had been received. Severus waited patiently, his heart pounding in his ears and his body alive with a mix of adrenaline and terror. He could feel the sweat bead on his palms as he held his wand tightly and prepared for battle. Suddenly, before his eyes, the land was filled with Death Eaters, surrounding the house. Lord Voldemort was the last to arrive, his snake inconspicuously missing.

His cruel laughter filled the air, followed by that of his Death Eaters. At the sound of it, Dumbledore was outside. Instead of the furious expression Severus expected, he held one of delight. Neville had been a lure…somehow Dumbledore knew. The order members arrived then, all of them, including Lily.

A newfound nervousness entered Severus then. She shouldn't be here. Harry could end up an orphan if this all went wrong. Before he could think on it any longer, a fight broke out. Spells flew between them all with no real targets. Severus took advantage of the distraction and disapparated once more.

"Sir! You should be fighting!" The guard bellowed at him. Without a word, Severus cast the Imperius curse. The guard's eyes glazed over instantaneously, Severus had control.  _Take me to the snake._

In a dazed, robotic movement, the guard turned towards the building. Severus kept his wand up, knowing there would be others inside. They walked down the all too silent hallways, delving deeper into headquarters. Severus kept close behind the guard, disguised under the disillusionment charm. As they walked he would immobilize and tie up the few staff that remained inside. The guard in front of him took turn after turn until they reached a point Severus hadn't known existed.

Finally, they stopped outside a heavily locked door and he undid his disillusionment charm. Severus tried spell after spell after spell. He tried everything, from unlocking charms to curses that destroyed. The door remained impenetrable. A thought occurred to him then and he smiled wickedly to himself. Throughout his research of Lord Voldemort he had not only learned that he could speak parseltongue, but a few choice words as well.

"Open" He hissed in the strange tongue. The series of locks before him began to click and slide open. When the noise finally stopped, Severus gripped the handle tightly, steeling himself. He knew Nagini would put up a fight. Casting a barrier to prevent Nagini's escape, he opened the door. He forced the guard in first, intending to use him as a Shield if needed.

Instead of the large, venomous snake he'd been expecting, he found a beautiful, dark haired woman instead. "Kanga?" The name fell from his lips in surprise. She stepped towards him seductively, swinging her hips from side to side and a flirtatious smile etched on her face. Placing the tip of her finger on his chest she dragged it against him as she circled him. When she was facing him once more her expression seemed to dart between one of passion and one of anger. Severus remembered the words he had spoken earlier that day.

_They can read one another's mind, control one another._

He knew then that the angry expression belonged to Voldemort. Severus knew if the Dark Lord survived tonight that  _he_ would be a dead man. He hoped that being in her mind and body would serve as a distraction, weakening Voldemort.

Seemingly entranced by the woman, he spoke again, wand arm hanging at his side rather than out front, protecting him. "I thought you were a snake?" He asked dumbly.

"Oh, Severus." She tilted her head, as if pitying him. "I never understood why my dear Tom trusted you so much. I always saw you as a bit daft." Severus just stared and she rolled her eyes. "I'm a veela." She stepped closer to him and he could feel her hot breath against his skin. "We're capable of some transformation."

"But, your hair-" _If enough blood is used, that person's attributes can be seen in it's new owner._ The iconic, blonde white hair of veelas had been replaced by the black of Tom Riddle's. He looked into her eyes and found that instead of the crystal blue ones her kind was known for, they were a rich, chocolate brown.

Her fingers made their way up his chest until she rested her hand at the side of his neck. Her touch reminded him of Lily, of why he was there and he shook himself from the trance she had over him. He raised his wand again, placing the tip of it beneath her chin.

"Oh, Sevy. Are you sure you want to do that?"

Before he could answer her, she was gone. Instead of standing in front of him, she laid, coiled, near his feet. Her scales glistened in the dim light of the room. When she opened her mouth, pearly,  _deadly,_ fangs greeted him. He backed away quickly, stepping behind the guard just as she struck the air where he had stood.

"Avada Kedavra!" He shouted, a burst of green light flying towards her. She slithered from it's reach and it narrowly passed her by.

"Sectum Sempra!" Miss. "Imobilus!" Miss. "Incarcerous!" Hit. Ropes flew from his wand wrapping around her body as she aimed for him again. He rose his wand again, his mouth forming the words as she struggled against her bonds. "Vipera Evanesca!" As the spell left his wand she burst free from the ropes holding her down. Delayed by freeing herself she was unable to escape his final spell and instead burst into flames, leaving only ash behind. Severus stared at her remains, disbelieving that she was truly gone. The reality of the situation set in and he ran for what he hoped was the final time.

Every part of his body ached, each movement he made burned. He could feel the prosthesis rubbing the skin of his leg raw. He sailed past the people he had gagged and tied, having not cared to disguise himself. Shouts came after him as he wound his way through the maze. Only when he reached it's doors did he undo the Imperius curse and apparated to the battlefield.

He arrived in a chaos he hadn't fully expected. The grassy ground was covered in blood and bodies. It was filled with members of both sides of the war, Death Eaters and order members alike laid dead upon the ground. Few fighters hung around the edges, no longer bothering to curse one another. Severus searched frantically for Lily, hoping she wasn't one of the bodies strewn across the ground. He finally spotted her red hair, stark in contrast against the others and made his way quietly towards her. He no longer cared who saw, who knew about them. If any of them made it out alive he would be in deep trouble.

As he reached her he slipped his hand into hers and her head flipped to look at him. He could see the relief in her eyes, one he shared as well. He wanted to wrap his arms around her, to pick her up and never let go, but he couldn't, not yet. Instead they all stood watching the showdown between Lord Voldemort and Dumbledore. The two deranged men stood mere feet away, aiming silent spell after silent spell at one another. There was no winner and no loser, each having met his match.

Suddenly, a different stream of light shot from Voldemort's wand, a protego, something he never used. Dumbledore was forced backwards by the force of it. Voldemort took his opportunity then, aiming his wand at the screaming infant in Dumbledore's arms. "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Lily turned, shielding her eyes from the murder of a baby and leaning into Severus. He squeezed her hand hard. "Lily." He whispered. "Look."

She turned her head reluctantly, sure to see a dead Neville. Instead she saw Voldemort, sprawled on the ground haphazardly. Dumbledore shoved Neville into the arms of his grandmother who had been waiting nearby, desperate to get him back. She clung to the boy tightly as she cried.

Hands free, Dumbledore cast a series of spells on Voldemort, holding him captive. No one rushed forward to stop it. Even the Death Eaters stood around, stunned.

Neville was quiet now, he seemed confused, his head lolling to the side and his eyes blinking lazily, but he was  _alive._ Voldemort began to stir on the ground, fighting against his restraints though Dumbledore held his wand. The only way for him to escape was pure strength.

"I must thank you, Tom. You gave you a most valuable spy. Severus has been working for me ever since that fateful night cost him his leg."

Severus was fuming, he had never planned to reveal his condition and he certainly hadn't planned to tell Voldemort or  _Death Eaters_  that he had been fighting against them. Looking around he found everyone who remained staring at him with mixed expressions.

"It made this fight much easier. He provided me valuable information while shielding it from you. It allowed me to grow stronger, to come to this point I had always hoped for." He twirled his wand absentmindedly between his fingers. "Did you know? When you were searching for Neville here, That your very own spy had gotten some dear girl pregnant? A mudblood nonetheless. Their  _son_ was born on the last day of July, after Neville."

Voldemort writhed in anger, unable to speak back. Severus however, shoot a spell in Dumbledore's direction. A large gash appeared on his leg and Dumbledore glared viciously as blood seeped through his gown, yet he didn't fight back.

"Why didn't you turn us in, then?" Severus demanded angrily.

Dumbledore laughed. "And lose my connection, my insight into Lord Voldemort's plans?"

"And the Longbottoms…you said they were going to move, you passed along their address ensuring me they'd be safe. That was never true, was it?"

"No, dear boy. That was their permanent location. I must say I was surprised at how willing you were to pounce on that information, to put a family in danger. So long as it wasn't yours, right?"

"I trusted you! We all did! You told me the Longbottoms would safe!" He gestured to the Order members, both alive and dead. "And you used us as pawns in your game. You used us to fight for what  _you_ wanted under the ruse of the 'greater good'"

"But don't you see, Severus? It always was for the greater good, just a different one than you had imagined." He turned to Voldemort again. "We had the same goal, Tom. I'm afraid if you hadn't acted so rashly, if you'd kept your motivations more of a secret like I have, you would have had more success. Now, it'll be I who rids the world of mudblood filth. You have no idea how long I've strived for this, how Grindlewald and I fought for this." He made a face of disgust. "I've had to keep up the façade of blood traitor for so long, but it's paid off, and now you'll be out of my way too." He pointed his wand at Voldemort, speaking in an overly calm tone. "Avada Kedavra."

Severus and Lily looked at each other for a split second before both raising their wands. They fired their own spells in Dumbledore's direction and the others joined in. Even the Order members turned on the man they had trusted with their lives. So many of them had already lost their lives for his hidden agenda, they would make sure there would be no more. The world around them was filled with screams of pain as Dumbledore fired back. He spared no expense, casting cruciatus curses left and right.

Severus shot his Sectum Sempra again and again. He shouted the words loudly, hoping others would catch on. Lily was the first to copy him but was soon followed by others. Soon Dumbledore's clothes were drenched in his own blood and he was visibly growing weaker.

"STOP!" Severus shrieked as Dumbledore collapsed to the ground. Slowly, the spells died down and all eyes were on him. He approached Augusta, hand in front of him to show he wouldn't hurt her. "Would you like to do the honors?"

She nodded, wiping her tears as she handed over her grandson. Severus held tight to the boy, rocking him back and forth to calm him, thinking of his own. With Neville still in his arms he stepped towards Dumbledore who moaned in pain, his skin growing paler.

"I trusted you with everything, with my life, my family. Now, so many things make sense. I understand why you didn't protect the half blood Slytherin when he was bullied relentlessly by the pureblood Gryffindors. Why so many bad things happened because of your information. I looked up to you for so long, but now I see you're only a fraud and a disgusting human being. I'll have many regrets, Albus, but killing you won't be one of them."

He stepped back nodding to Augusta. She smiled devilishly at the man who had destroyed her family, had killed her son, who had willingly sacrificed Neville. She raised her wand and cast one final, fatal slit across Dumbledore's throat.


	25. Hello again!

Hey, long time no see! Just wanted to say I'll be deleting this story soon. I am starting a new version as my writing has changed quite a bit since I wrote this. It can be found on my profile under the name "Chronic". Thanks for all the love I've gotten here though!


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